Gaslighting & believing them

[Sideways]

A few years ago now, I OD’ed and ended up in ICU. It was the 3rd time. My mum didn’t cope well with the stress, and when I was in hospital she cut contact. We’ve since largely repaired the relationship after a lot of hard work and ‘putting things behind us’. I don’t know if that was forgiving it, or just moving on. It hurt a lot.

At the same time, she was in regular contact with my then pdoc. In his final report, he set out how I’d been manipulating and abusing my parents. That mum had told him all about it. That hurt a lot. I didn’t really understand what I’d done wrong - the suicide attempt wasn’t about my parents. I understood that it stressed them out, but I never really understood the comments about me being manipulative and abusive.

This last weekend, my mum cut contact with her parents. I was involved because my grandparents are pretty much the most important people in my life. They talked often about my mum trying to control their lives (which is true, although I know that she’s been trying to do the right thing, my grandparents are both in a very bad way).

But when my mum cut contact, the same as when she did it with me, she blamed their being absuive and manipulative of her. Her dad has advanced parkinsons, her mum has advanced alzheimers. There’s definitely no abuse. They love her. They’re just, well, getting real old.

Seeing my mum brain snap at them, acuse them of the same rubbish she accused me of, seeing how much BS it was - she simply wasn’t coping with her parents dying and not beings able to control that...

There’s an awful kind of validation there. I want to believe that my mum is a senisble, empathic, caring person. But the way she cut contact, the amount that hurt them, the accusations - all the awful stuff she did to me and I just believed “Oh, well, I’m the insane one.”

I don’t know what I’m looking for. Do you put this stuff behind you? If they work it out themselves do I just let it go? I think I’ve persuaded my mum that cutting contact with them in thwor twilight years is something she’ll regret when they’re gone.

But I think maybe I’m really angry about this. And I’m not sure what to do with that...??

Tied up in this is that me and my sister were abused when we were young, about 4-8 years old. And my mum and dad both threatened to cut me and my sister off completely if either of us looked into that at all. Dad’s fear of beihg accused of sexually abusing us and all. They madr out like me and my sister were just crazy (maybe we are), and that our doctors were manipulating false accusations.

Me and my sister have both, seperately, made our own decision to let that abuse go. Pretend it didn’t happen. Because, for neither of us, it didn’t seem worth losing our parents over.

Now, I just don’t know.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ragdoll Circus From what I get out of this..... Your mother is a master manipulator. She rewrites the screenplay to fit her way of dealing with things. Then if she can’t deal, she just cuts people out.

You and your sister should be pissed. You should never have put your trauma aside for the sake of the family.

This is hard for you, I can hear it in your words..... I really think you should look at your mother and take a really hard long look at all that she has done and said. Then reevaluate your relationship with her.

My mother basically did the same. My brothers sexually abused me and when I told her, she called me a liar and a whore. When I would tell people outside of the family what happened, she would tell them I was crazy and that I was making stories up. Back then, that kind of shit was kept hidden and not talked about.

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this.

 

[Scarlet13]

So, I have an odd relationship with my mother. I think she has NPD (obviously not officially diagnosed as she would NEVER seek help.)
Anyways, my therapist recently refered to my mother as "toxic".
I somehow ended up telling my mom more about my molestation as a child. (Big mistake).
Her reaction was anger at me. Yelling at me that I did not tell her these details when I was little. I did tell her some details then.
But I have just now at age 38 remembered more events.
I mistakenly thought she would care. I think this is just a thing, that constant hope your mother will want to heal you and be angry for you and not at you.
Instead she found a way to blame me just as she blamed me as a child, that I somehow was equally responsible in engaging in sexual activity with a care provider.
Honestly I think what your mother did to you and your sister is selfish and abusive.
Covering up abuse to protect your father??
What about you?
Where is your protection?
Seriously, I know it is hard to deal with, but your parents are wrong. They abused you. Your father abused you and your mother covered it up. She chose her husband over her child.
The only advice I have for you is to acknowledge two truths at once. And you have to keep acknowledging these truths again and again.
Your mother f*cked up. She did not properly care for you or protect you. She is not dealing with issues and chooses to block people out. This is selfish. That is one truth.
The second truth is that she does love you and maybe has had good moments as a mom. Also, you love her.
One truth should not cancel the other out. They both can exist at the same time.
And you can still hold your mom accountable for her behavior.
Also, what that doctor wrote is f*cked up. Can people not see when another human is suffering? Seriously, it is trauma effects, not attention seeking. And why would she shut you out when you are suicidal? Why would she shut you out at all?
Cold shouldering and withholding love is emotionally abusive.
I still see my mom, but with very strict boundaries.
Mostly I do ok, but sometimes I think she is going to be a normal person and will love me in the way I need to be loved.
I am sorry if any of this is too harsh or offensive.

 

[scout86]

I don’t know if that was forgiving it, or just moving on

Just out of curiosity, and because it might be relevant, how did that rebuilding play out? Equal giving and taking, or something less symmetrical?

That mum had told him all about it.

Again, mostly curious, were you a minor? This seems kind of questionable.

But when my mum cut contact, the same as when she did it with me, she blamed their being absuive and manipulative of her. H

I pay a lot of attention to these kinds of patterns. They mean something. In this case, I'd bet it means that, somewhere out there, there's a psychiatric label or two that would apply to your mom.

You know the situation with your grandparents. You seem to have a good read on who's doing what, and why. Your mom just showed anyone who's paying attention that this is how she handles relationships that don't go her way.

Pretend it didn’t happen. Because, for neither of us, it didn’t seem worth losing our parents over.

I'd rethink that. I don't mean it's necessary to go to war over it and really blow the family up. I mean, for your own sake, and for the sake of accurately understanding the dynamics, you might want to take a look at what happened and why, and how affected you, and your life.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I OD’ed and ended up in ICU. It was the 3rd time. My mum didn’t cope well with the stress, and when I was in hospital she cut contact.

It seems that your mom is sick and disturbed to abandon you during such a vulnerable time in your life. There seems to be a running pattern of her abandoning vulnerable family members. I think she is disturbed mentally and has not been there for you and your sister, nor your grandparents at all.

In his final report, he set out how I’d been manipulating and abusing my parents. That mum had told him all about it. That hurt a lot.

I think this was a bad doctor who hurt you and was fooled by your mom who was mostly covering up the dark secrets of abusing you.

my mum cut contact with her parents. I was involved because my grandparents are pretty much the most important people in my life. They talked often about my mum trying to control their lives (which is true, although I know that she’s been trying to do the right thing, my grandparents are both in a very bad way).

It is complicated of a situation, but they really need assistance and to cut them off at this point seems very cruel and heartless.

Do you put this stuff behind you?

I think these are serious issues that need to be examined with your therapist, seriously.

I think maybe I’m really angry about this. And I’m not sure what to do with that...??

I think you have every reason to be so very angry at this and I sure hope that you can look at all of this with your therapist. Your mom seemed to just want to bury you under lies in order to cover your parents dark secrets and is very manipulative and cunning to cover you and your sister with such lies.

me and my sister were abused when we were young, about 4-8 years old. And my mum and dad both threatened to cut me and my sister off completely if either of us looked into that at all. Dad’s fear of beihg accused of sexually abusing us and all. They madr out like me and my sister were just crazy (maybe we are), and that our doctors were manipulating false accusations.

There was serious sexual abuse by your dad and once again, I think your mom knew and chose him over you and your sister and perhaps maybe think about cutting off contact with her and your dad at some point later on down the road once you get a handle on all of your emerging emotions.

I am praying for you and your sister and wish you both well and wholeness in your lives. I think your mom and dad are very sick and twisted dark people with so many secrets that they will abandon her family to cover their own asses.

Please take special care of you during this time. I know that you feel as though you have resolved things with your mom and I do not know all of the good work that has occurred between the both of you and I will just trust your good judgement, yet these rising and surfacing issues will demand to be faced and dealt with at some point. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I do care about you and want some justice for you.

You have been working so hard on your own recovery and healing process. It seems as though it is not finished yet with your parents and you will not be able to avoid dealing with these things forever. Just my opinion and view from being outside of your situation and going off your telling of your story. I am sure that there are so many things that I do not know about your situation, and I am sorry if I have overstepped or wounded you in any way.

 

[Muttly]

You have every reason to be angry. I can imagine feeling hurt and confused too. Your mother is a manipulator and her priority is protecting herself and her view of the world. It's easier for you to see that, when it's not about you. It's safer to feel all the feelings too. Maybe right now, isnt the time to figure out what to do with those feelings? Maybe right now, feeling them is enough. It's certainly a hard and painful thing to do.

As far as whether you will continue to let the abuse go, you may find there is a point where you are ready to lose a parent. I did. And sometimes it's really awful and I'm still full of questions but it was also worth it. There's no right or wrong choice there though. Give your time space and caring and keep talking to us and your therapist. .

 

[The Albatross]

Personally, so far as your mothers relationship or not with her parents... I'd use ultra caution trying to compare your own situation with what is going on with her parents. No, they're not "just getting really old"... they have Parkinsons or Alzheimers. Often, with regard to elderly and chronic or acute illness... it isn't that someone cuts contact "just because things don't go her way". It is a very fine line and difficult to navigate the changes that can affect once independent people and how/what/when to try to shift them into some sort of advocacy or care to protect them. Something we've been dealing with personally for quite some time with my own mother and mother-in-law.

 

[BM2A]

Im sorry to hear that having been through childhood abuse, you now have to go through this as an adult. Ive had to deal with something similar. And I tried to let the abuse go. Because of my family.

But if youve been traumatised by abuse as a child, putting it away in a box and letting it go, does not work long term.

It needs acknowledging and addressing, even if thats only in therapy.

What your mum has done in not allowing you to acknowldege the trauma, thats abusive and controlling, and selfish. Your own mother gas lighting is a horrible painful thing to deal with. And protecting someone who has wreaked havoc on your life by abusing you is awful. You should put yourself and your sister first now. Concentrate on what you need.

 

[Victory]

A few years ago now, I OD’ed and ended up in ICU. It was the 3rd time. My mum didn’t cope...

Are you familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder? The reason I ask is because my mother has it, and exhibits a lot of these same behaviors. I learned a lot about what it is and how to cope with it by joining Randi Kreger's forum Welcome to Oz. Here's a link to her stuff about this condition: Borderline Personality Disorder Information and Support - BPD Central She's also got several books out that you probably could borrow from your local library. I found them comforting after suffering a lifetime of gaslighting by my mother and her flying monkeys.

 

[Lilminks2]

It is hard to understand where your mother is coming from but I agree she has a borderline personality. My mother has it as well. There are so many facts that are relevant between your grandparents and your mother even before you were born. People don't just wake up one day and say that everyone is using me and I don't know which side of the fence I should be on. That is your mother's borderline personality. You mother is incapable of thinking what is right and what is not. She will jump from one side of the fence to another if she gets the love and support or whatever her needs are from her parents over you. You grandparents may be getting old, which means you have less to experience with them. You are dealing with what your mother has not dealt with herself. She doesn't understand that she too has a mental disorders that reflects heavily in your life. She can not even imagine that you are suffering from PTSD or the horrendous traumas that you are experiencing. They are not in her realm of thoughts. So she vacillates in her mind continuously because she does not understand herself or how she is suppose to respond. Your grandparents and your parents grew up in a vastly different time as you have. It was certainly something you could or would talk EVER talk about, ever. Your mother grew up to having a husband that provided for her and she had to do whatever he dictated or out the door she went with little or nothing to survive on, and what about the children? It was not until the 60's and 70's when women started standing up for themselves and everyday since we still fight for our freedom to chose. It has been over 55 years and women are still not paid the same as men. Your grandparents were raised to perform their roles in life, as your mother most likely has tried but with a mental condition that is most likely never diagnosed because that was not an option for her. Hence, she can't understand your freedom to say and do as you please. Those constraints confuse and anger her because she was taught her roles in life, to be a wife and a mother and if needed to work to help support the family. Women how speak openingly about abuse because it is part of who we are today. Your mother sees it as shameful, disrespect and destroying the family she is responsible for. Your mother's role had not changed, but society has.

 

[PJackson]

You have every reason to be angry. I can imagine feeling hurt and confused too. Your mother is a manipul...

It is hard to understand where your mother is coming from but I agree she has a borderline personality. My mother h...

Most husband's back n the 50's 60's were the bread winners and mother's did all the work in the house for everyone. Not an easy task keeping all of that n order. the husband does the same mundane work every day as well. Everyone knew their roles. Things went smoothly. It's really sad to see the breakdown of families since then.

 

[Muttly]

@PJackson I don't agree with your statement, but don't really feel the need to debate it here as it doesn't seem to have much to do with what the OP was posting about. Is there a point in your reply that specifically relates to the original post?

If you want to make a point about families and how they function, that doesn't relate to the OP, perhaps start a different thread.