Dom Violence Gaslighting

[Cannottakethis]

I'm going through this now. My husband will swear he told me or gave me things to do that he never did. He's even gone as far as to tell me we stayed in a certain town on a trip that I know for darn sure we didn't.

I think he knows he's doing this some of the time, and gets off on seeing me stress, but it's gotten to the point that when he asked me about a certain thing, I look through his stuff to find it before I looked through my own. This has alleviated some of the issues because now I'm on to him.

 

[Knak]

I feel like I want to give you a hug. I've been there too. There were many times I wanted to die....

Thanks for the encouragement. I am the worst I've been. I have no energy and am cancelling all my appts. because I have missed so many without cancelling them. I don't want to go out. I am sleeping mostly if I'm not working outdoors to relieve stress.
I know it's up to me and I don't have it in me. Advice from friends makes me more depressed. I am trying to ride it out but have no confidence.
I've come to believe he is possessed by a demon it is so evil. I tell him he is killing me but he could give a darn, probably real happy about it. He appears so normal to others. It's been 32 years.

 

[Teasel]

Hi @Knak
I've been where you are, understand the not having it in you.

I talked about it here and people were amazing. Someone suggested this book to me ~ the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. It was amazing to read it, so validating. Really helped me form a clear picture of how he was operating. Helped me see clearly the mind games he was playing.

And helped me get angry enough to begin getting enough energy to start making some changes. I'm not out yet but I will be and his tricks just don't work so well as they did.

Hope you have / will post in the dv forum?
Best x

 

[Deleted member 12723]

That book @Bearlinda mentioned helped me a great deal too. It really is a good resource.

 

[Knak]

Hi @Knak
I've been where you are, understand the not having it in you.

I talked...

Thanks for the reference book. I got it on "Kindle Unlimited" just now and recently I do feel better. I am getting support from my church and meet with the women as much as possible for fellowship and individual counseling. They are more patient and caring than other friends and it is healing. He can't undermine me by spreading lies among them, although he does that with men from our previous churches.

Since he stole my pain meds and the doctor won't treat me now, I just started LDN (low dose naltrexone) which is a panacea for a myriad of diseases and problems. It promotes a sense of well being for one, so I don't make it worse by getting angry and provoking him by reacting when I am at the end of my rope.

I was able to schedule hand surgery to move on with my life. I don't trust him to drive me there because if they give a script for pain meds after surgery he may keep it, but I don't have choices. I want to put a lock on my door.

I still don't know what causes his lies but maybe the book will give insight. Fear of rejection by others puts him in line, and I use that as much as possible but I never know when he will pull the rug out from under me. I am as afraid of leaving knowing he lies about what we have and where it is. Also I don't trust lawyers or judges who know nothing about narcissists, and if i get depressed being alone I will withdraw and sink like a rock.

I just keep thinking I am older and time passes faster and it will be over one way or another. I realized I reach a state where I feel paralyzed and it comes from my youth. It must be too painful to remember because I can't get past it.

 

[Knak]

Hi @Knak
I've been where you are, understand the not having it in you.

I talked...

I also got that book on audible. It is much easier to listen to than read since I can't concentrate. I wanted to thank you again.

It has instructions on how to create an agreement that is nonthreatening to the spouse (I doubt it would be nonthreatening to my spouse) to make it easier to bring the topic to light when other ways don't work. It also helps to understand his motivation as being either the winner or a loser, and validates my desire to be a helper and an equal instead of competitor.

I still feel sick to my stomach.

I found that he has copied my posts onto his computer so he has ammunition to wield in a way that condemns me and makes him look like the victim, which he constantly works at. I deleted them and he knows it so he is skulking around mad looking for an opportunity to step on me again.

I need to erase my posts or quit this forum so he can't gather more ammunition.

 

[Teasel]

I'm really sorry that he's doing that and that you feel you need to leave the forum. Maybe raise a help ticket to ask about your options on that front?

Glad though that you've found good support with the women at your church though and that you found the book helpful too.

Have you been in touch with any domestic violence support groups to see if they can offer any help or advice to you? :hug:

 

[Knak]

I'm really sorry that he's doing that and that you feel you need to leave the forum. Maybe raise a he...

I put in a help ticket and got part answered.

I haven't gone to a support group, & don't know if there is one around here but will look. I am reluctant to go to a shelter or government social worker because unless a person has experienced this and worked it out intelligently and non-violently to learn the lessons or steps that work, I don't think they can give practical advice.

My friends or mentor don't say anything that helps but put the onus on me. I am told I am the one who needs to do something to fix myself to be happy, or tolerate it. Others don't say anything. Not much helps except validation and empathy. I hear of women battling divorce for 4 years. My neighbor had to kidnap her son and disappear 4 years until he was 18, after being dragged to court with unreasonable demands for 12 years. I don't trust I'd get a fair shake since I am so reluctant and not devious or willing to demand what's due me. I never felt I was worth anything no matter what I do for others.

I never learned how to defend myself. I was never protected. I was told the abuse I felt was my imagination. I didn't know people were corrupt. My family was my source of sustenance and they used it to threaten and control me. I had to believe I deserved bad treatment or face their wrath.

I constantly tried to figure out why I was different from the rest of the world and what bad thing I did to create my problem. I couldn't talk to people for 30 years. There was an impenetrable wall between me and everyone in the universe. I believed "The truth will set you free" was the key, so I became as honest & transparent as I could. In my naivete I attracted perpetrators who used me until I broke down with psychotic paranoia for 12 years.

If I complain now I fear being told "you sound like a whiner, everybody has problems. Just pray and read the Bible." I get tongue tied and can't define or oppose the concepts my husband uses to make me feel bad. Now I know what and why he does what he does yet he can get me to forget his dual personality if he talks to me nicely.

I need him in the near future when I have two hand operations that take 6 weeks each to heal. I recently developed severe pain in my hip from bone degeneration from an injury when my sister jumped on me and I couldn't walk at age 6. I can't go up and down stairs. I also have agoraphobia thanks to him, so need him to take me to church, get groceries, and take the cat to the vet twice a week.

 

[Cannottakethis]

I put in a help ticket and got part answered.

I haven't gone to a support group, & don't know if there is...

In my state there is a DV shelter in every county. The groups are run by people with a LOT of experience. My experience was that while I was going for support I felt safe, like I was being listened to, and that if I needed, I could go for more help. They also provided me with a liasion at court when I went for a restraining order.

There are also state and/or county run social services that provide rides for people that don't drive.

I hope this type of information can help you in some way.

 

[JEM2008]

I was in this situation when i met my husband when i was 19, there were red flags but i was young and he prayed on me. He was charming and handsome and everyone likes him. He broke me down made me feel insane gaslighted me have me endless silent treatment i finally was able to get the courage to leave although it broke my heart to no end. I've confronted him.countless times after reducing communication to just email but he of course wouldnt give me nothing that i needed to heal. From this relationship ive gained anxiety and complex ptsd and is hard cause i feel like if i just had anwser even as simple as him just saying he hated me so much it would make me feel some closure but of course thats not what he wanted so 7 years later i still suffer with it and i still dont have any validation that i was not crazy like he made me out to be. During these times i had no idea about narcissism or thinking i might be emotionally abused with sometimes physical but i also felt an inherent danger that if i would have continued on i might have died and that's scary. It is truly awful what people are capable of. I now have a new husband who is patient when i have panic attacks.or things get triggered and i have 4 kids who I passionally will teach to be aware of these people because thwyre hard to see, no one who knows him now would ever think he could be capable of these things and he only lets people see what he wants them to see and its infuriating.