Relationship Gay, Pstd And Confusing

[Lavantae Cartwright]

So I'm very very nervous about writing this. But I'm doing this in hopes someone can shed some light.

So I meet this guy on this new app and when I saw his picture I almost instantly thought he was the guy I want to marry. He is everything I wanted, so you can say it was "lust at first sight" but we exchanged numbers and started to get to know each other. The first two weeks it was we didn't really talk that much. But the first conversation we had on the phone I was smitten with his personality and for the first time in a LONG time I actually see something coming from this.(Even if it was long distance) Now mind you I'm a dancer and as most artist know we feel 10x stronger than most.

So my emotions where already tied up into him after the first 2 hour phone conversation. So as we spoke I found out about more about him and the more I found out the more things were being checked off the imaginary list. So from the get go I told him "The next guy I date I want it to be my last" and surprisingly he agreed. So we the texts started to pick up he told me things like "No your aren't texting to much", "I'm not going to hurt you, I'm a nice guy" and my heart melted. Coming from dysfunctional relationship I was more than excited to meet a nice guy.

So as the days went on we joked around about marriage, talked about kids, what kind of house we'd want, dark stuff in his past, our families, meeting parents, all of that. So I was more than happy. (SIDE NOTE that song by Ariana Grande "The Way" that's how I felt) But this past week we haven't talked. I called on Monday and I could tell something was up but he didn't say anything. He just used the universal excuse "I have a headace". So i just let things go. But the next day we had a facetime date planned and he forgot again(I'll talk about that in a second). So he text me the next day saying he forgot and fell asleep at 7 his time and that he just woke up. (so mind you he is 3 hour ahead. and he texted me at 9 my time. so 14 hours of sleep.. yeaaaa ooookkkkk...) so I responded a bit bitchy because it was the 3rd facetime date I set up and he didn't come through. So we didn't really talk Tuesday and I decided to just face time him and see what happens. No answer.. big surprise.. but I called him and he picked up. He was very un-talkive which was weird because last week we spoke almost everyday on the phone.

So after not talking Tuesday he texted me the morning after. That's when I discovered that he was depressed and going through PTSD(he is marine reserve and was medically discharged) So me being the person I am. I tried to extend a hand. I asked if it was since Monday and he said yes and this is what I wrote "I knew something was wrong. Baby (first time I called him that) you know you can come to me about anything. I'm in the this for the long hall and if that mean just siting on the phone with you while you lay in bed then so be it." All he said was really.. and I responded with the best boyfriend answer ever.. I told him that yes, that I'm honestly here for him and that if I'm going to be a apart of his life of completely. And I'm here for the good and the bad. His response was that I shouldn't have to worry about his problems. (this is where I think I might have f*cked up) I said that if I was gonna marry him one day I have to get use to the good and the bad. and that I want to be there for him. -no response- I wrote and I'm going to. you shouldn't feel like you cant tell me anything" he texted back "I know" and just to reassure him I said that i meant every word.

So after that I sent him two more text asking what was going on and later on that I'd be a work until 9 and I'd call him after I'm off.

So I called him that night and he was very untalkive and he said something that he as never said before and it was the first lie he told me. Normally when we talk his phone is always dying and he always puts it on the charger so we can talk more. That night he said that his phone was on 1% and that he'd call me once it got to like 20. I knew he wasn't going to call.

So the next morning I sent him a text saying that I'm just going to back off and give him time to work this out for himself because I could tell that I was making an ass of myself and that once he is out of this depression to please call me. But of course I couldn't. So I sent him a pic of what I was gonna send him in the care package we deiced to send each other. It took me FOREVER to find this item and I knew he'd love it. So I sent him the pic and a message saying that it was suppose to be a surprise and I hope it would make him feel better. He seems to like it and I said that if he didn't want to talk to me at least he'd have the doll to think of me.

He read the message but never responded.

We haven't talked since the 13th. the girl part of my brain is screaming to text him and see how he is doing, did I say something to make him not want to talk to me, is there someone else.. the guy part of my brain is saying f*ck it! But I'm not sure what I should do...

It seems like most of the people dating something one who has PTSD go through some sort of withdrawal from their partner. Is that normal? I'm not ready to give up on this guy. He is everything I've prayed for in a guy and I feel like he really likes me.. and I'm just not sure. What I been doing is writing what I wan to say to him and writing it in my Notes app on my phone.. But I'm going crazy. I miss him and want to reach out and show him that I care. But I have this feeling I'm on the borderline of being "the crazy bitch" who texts too much and is too clingy.

Most of my friends thing I should wait until he text me..but inside what if that never happens. I'd like the the chance to for him to end things if he really going to end thing. But I'm not sure. What should I do?!!! Can someone shed some light... Is there normal behavior of a Marine? What do you think I should do honestly?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello,

May I ask how long you have known this man?

so mind you he is 3 hour ahead. and he texted me at 9 my time. so 14 hours of sleep.. yeaaaa ooookkkkk...

I am a sufferer. I actually sleep a lot, sometimes 12+ hours at a time. It is a lot to do with my medication and wacky bedtimes but I actually do this most days. It is also common for people with depression to sleep a lot. So not that odd or unusual in my mind.

Best wishes.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree with Ayesha. I've been known to sleep 22 out of 24 hours a day when I'm at my worst.

I think you can learn a lot by reading others stories here on the forum. I wish you the best.

 

[Lavantae Cartwright]

Alyesha, its been about a month and half.. I know... it crazy.. I might be crazy... I possibly could me crazy.. but there is just something different about him.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

IMO, A month and half is not very long. Don't you think you are coming across pretty strong? I mean you are trying to plan marriage, buying a house and kids. Even in non-PTSD relationships that would make most people run the other way.

Maybe it's time for some 'me time'?

 

[Lavantae Cartwright]

Well that is true, I felt like I was crazy. and its not like we were setting the date. Honestly it was mutual. it wasn't like I was like "hey i want babies and I wanna get married by may" it was just kinda a joke to make a dark situation light. and I've honestly really really been in a relationship that last more than a few month.

My question is it odd that we haven't talked in a week? Should I try and check up on him because he is depressed? Or should I want for him to text me. Is it normal for me in the service to just block everyone out?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Hi Lavantae.

Some sufferers tend to isolate when they are going through rough patches. As as supporter, it is frustrating as all-git-out because you are worried about them and confused.

When they are like this it is best to give them space and let them reach out to you first. Trying to contact them is probably just going to annoy them and make them isolate longer. You told him you are there for him, so he knows that. He just needs alone time right now. As hard as it is, you have to distract yourself and go on with life as normal.

Being in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer is going to be different from any other relationship you have ever had. It's a learning process. You have to learn about PTSD in general, learn about your partner's type of PTSD (in your partner's case I'm assuming it is Combat PTSD), then your partner's personal symptoms, stressors and triggers. You also have to learn new ways to communicate and solve conflict. You have to learn to set firm boundaries and stick to them. It can be done if you both are up to the challenge.

Researching is my comfort when my vet has bad spells. There is a lot of good information on here, and the supporter section is great for getting advice and talking to others in your shoes. There are also some great books out there. The one that I started with, and that I found helpful was "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy" by Diane England.

 

[kahlan]

I recently went a little over a month with my fella isolating. Its difficult not to have someone you care about need space like that :( The thing is ptsd makes him need to deal with sttess (good and bad) differently than other people. There are some good threads in the suporter section that may help you understand not only why he's doing this but how you can deal with your feelings about it too.

If he's really someone you truly care for research research reasearch. You'll have a better understanding of what you're getting into and he'll appreciate the effort you're putting in as well :)

One last thing, while I can understand the quick connection (I felt that with my N. and it seems to be a fairly common topic around here with other supporters as well) make a consious effort to take things slow and not get wrapped up in the "intensity". As quickly as the emotional intimacy comes it can shut down just as quickly if it gets too much for him to handle (see stress).

 

[bell]

Hi @Lavantae Cartwright, I read your posts and can tell that you're very anxious to get this resolved, which is only natural. I do have a few questions, though. (And I'm an artist, too, and yes, we can feel rather deeply, although I know a whole slew of non-artists who feel as deeply as I (and you) do!)

A few thoughts: Is he openly gay? Was he sent overseas? Was/Is he out in the Marines?

The answers to these might further help you in your situation. As they can be very private answers, you don't have to share them, but just something to ask yourself... because if his PTSD is combat based and he has any conflicting feelings about his sexuality, this could also add to things. (I say this coming from a military family and knowing how much of a non-forgiving environment it can be!)

Also, I think it may be time for some "Lavantae time!" I.e., take time to be good to yourself and be you without this relationship while he's isolating so that when he comes back you can be a stronger, more "you" you!

 

[Lavantae Cartwright]

@bell He is openly bi (Which is another underline problem) and he was sent overseas and he is still on call for the Marines. The very first relationship aka train wreck was with a bi guy and long distance and he ended up leaving me for a girl. I was 16 at the time and I have never really got over it. The though is still in the back of my mind but now that I'm grown, I know I can't hold that against everyone . And he is totally comfortable with this sexuality at least thats how he made it seem. And I think you are right that I just need some me time.. I he told me so much about his personal life that he must be truly interested. He told his mother about us and that a HUGE deal because he is a mamas boy. He shared his mother full name. I didnt tell him any of that. I think im just freaking out becasue it just a NO warring kind of thing. So im not sure if I should go do my normal break ritual (sex and the city and cocktails) or if I just go about my life just hoping that when my phone vibrates that its him.

also im trying to think if he were to get deployed this would be a normal thing not talking for weeks.

Do you think it s a good idea that im writing the messages I would send in notes just to keep me from sending it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

He is openly bi (Which is another underline problem)

Is this becasue it reminds you of your first bisexual relationship or some other reason?

 

[Lavantae Cartwright]

@Ayesha I think its because it was the first time I opened myself up and fell in love. And the fact that I'm in the same boat it sort of throws me off. I think that also why I'm kinda loco because I don't want to go through that again.