Gender-born In The Wrong Body

[Anna]

I am female. I am a very small woman. Ever since I was a small child, I felt like a boy. I hated dresses. I wanted to be a boy. My mother put me in dresses much to my defiance. As a teenager I wore mens deo, I did martial arts. I never wore make up. After my trauma I assimilated more to be a female. A great act. Painted nails, dyed hair.

Recently, I saw many programs about the younger generations being able to undergo hormonal, and gender reassignment surgery. It made me cry. I am too old now. I am in my mid 30s. I feel very very confused. I am a man in a woman's body. I always have been. I am a great actress.

Has anyone else experience this?

I am glad nowadays that there has been much progress, and people no longer have to live a life in the wrong body anymore.

 

[Pencil]

Anna, what do you mean when you say you are too old? Is this a medical fact or do you just feel it is too late for you?

 

[Anna]

No way I could be a man at my height. I am too old to grow anymore. It would not be possible. I have to accept my situation. I am in my mid 30s, I have a family no way I could do it now. It just would not work.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi anna. I don't have any experience of this, however, I can just hear your pain in what you've written.

I don't think you should write off being too small or too old, straight off. You are 30 ish, that means you could well have another 50 -70 years ahead. That could be a lot of years of regret.

Perhaps it's something you could look into a little more before you dismiss it completely?

 

[Anna]

Yes, but a man who is just over five foot. People are pretty mean to small guys. They get a lot of stick. I have seen it myself.

I am angry I did not do more about it as a teenager. I could have been given hormones so I would have grown. I could have had the life I wanted to have. I live with regret.

This is just catharsis. My life as it is now, I could not become a man now. It would not work in my life anymore. I would not be able to be a short man.

It has just come to me the past few months, I am good at maths, physics. I wanted to be a marine. I remember well, them laughing at me. I am a woman. But I have a man's brain. Life is so cruel sometimes.

I have a healthy body, I have a good life. I should look to the good things I have and be positive. I cannot change my gender now. It is too late.

 

[Bosco2153]

You 'are' who you are. Embrace that if you can, and don't worry about stereotypical qualities like height. We will support you here.

 

[Spiderallis]

Some people see gender as a spectrum, male at one end, female at the other and a lot other identities in between. If transitioning doesn't seem right for you, that's okay. I'm not sure what it really means but some people identify as gender fluid, while others are gender queer. It doesn't have to match your chromosomes or physical form, if it matches how you see yourself then it's what you are..

In the early 80's my great uncle retired and became the happiest lady I'd ever seen. I was a tiny little thing and didn't know her as a he, but she was well over six feet tall and wore size fifteen shoes- always high heels. Before transitioning she was a father to three kids. It's never too late, and if she wasn't too tall I don't know if there's such a thing as too short.

 

[Anna]

I also see how badly I get treated for being a woman. Guys always try and make passes at you, or stare at you. They do not treat you like an equal and have no respect for you. This is my experience that I have had in my life.

I also see how my partner gets better service because he is a man. He sees it as well and it disgusts him how I am treated. Especially customer support. I am sick of being treated like an inferior just because I am female. People are rude to me they talk down to me like I am stupid.

I am getting really depressed about it lately. It makes me so sad.

I want to scream at them to stop it just let me be and treat me like everyone else. I hate being a woman. I really hate it so much.

 

[Misul]

I am intersex and third gender. It's very difficult to live in today's society as such as people generally see me as a "freak". Most people do not realize the extent to which every day life is divided into male and female. In older times, people like myself had a place in society and I have learned as much about that as I possibly can. It makes me feel better. Some intersex people choose to live as male or female and that's okay if it is right for them. I am not a man or a woman and I refuse to choose. Just be yourself and live your life as you see fit. I know the reality of what I just said is much more complicated than it sounds, but do not let people's opinion of what is "male" and "female" sway you. Those things are social constructs.

It is not too late for you to transition. There are plenty of short men in this world and not all of them are treated badly. Sometimes they are treated badly because they are insecure and it really shows on the outside. However, if transition is not what you want, that's okay too! It doesn't make you any less of a man. Please believe that.

Misul

 

[shoulderblades]

I am genderqueer. I'm female-bodied but I don't specifically always feel female; I sometimes feel male. I sometimes feel like I'm neither. I sometimes feel like I'm both. I mostly present as female and I'm fine with female pronouns for the most part, but I sometimes feel like I'm living a lie.

I had a partner who is transgendered. She's in her late 20s and has just started transition. I have a friend who is in her 50s who is transgendered - she came out as transgendered a few years ago in her late 40s and has completed transition. I know a few other people who are transgendered and did not come out as trans* until in their 50s and 60s. It's never too late to transition. I also have another friend who is FtM and he is short for a guy - about 5'2" at most. He has never experienced prejudice regarding his height.

I hear what you're saying about your height, though. Patriarchy and the 'traditional' accepted concept of what a man is supposed to be is ridiculous - no man should be judged on his friggin' height, just like no woman (or man or any other gender, for that matter) should be judged on their body size or shape. Unfortunately, society is extremely heterosexist and extremely cissexist; society exists locked in binaries and heteronormativity. It makes me sick how narrow-minded and uninviting society is.

Ultimately, you need to do what is right for you. Being transgender isn't a choice, as you know - you didn't choose to be trans* but you do have to live with it and you need to work out what is the best option for you in dealing with it. I know that being told "just be yourself" is very reductionist and simplistic because it's nowhere near as easy as "just be yourself" for trans* people. Trans* people are incredibly marginalised people who are at huge risk of receiving hateful, even sometimes violent behaviour from others. The suicide and attempted suicide rate among trans* people is over 40%. The LGBTQIA movement is mostly about gay and lesbian people - the T for transgendered in the acronym is mostly invisible and hardly ever talked about.

Do you have a therapist to talk to about gender dysphoria and about trans* issues? Do you have a gender counsellor or psychiatrist to talk to? I feel that is something that would benefit you, to be able to talk openly about what you're going through, to help you work out what the best course of action to take is. It sounds to me like you need a counsellor or a psychologist/psychiatrist specifically qualified in gender dysphoria and transgender issues because you need to talk to someone who actually understands what your situation is about without demoralising you with cissexist platitudes and advice that erases your problems and issues.

 

[Anna]

Sadly I am alone. I live abroad and finding an english speaking therapist is almost impossible.

 

[Paz]

I can't relate based on personal experience re the gender stuff (I'm a Queer-identified ciswoman, and I have always felt very comfortable with most aspects of conventional US/European femininity...that's just how I'm wired and I recognize that it gives me a lot of privilege).

But! The expat/immigrant thing! Just wanted to say I totally sympathize as a fellow living-abroad person (sometimes I call myself an expat and sometimes an immigrant). I've given up on finding a local therapist with whom I can communicate in English or even my second language. It's been seriously frustrating and I kept seeing a therapist who I knew was a bad fit, simply because she spoke English and was local. I work with someone over Skype now - is that a possibility you've explored? It has made a huge difference for me and I've been pleasantly surprised about how non-weird it feels.

Kudos on dealing with this shit while living abroad...I came out while an expat, and now 10 years later (and in another country) I'm trying to sort out the PTSD stuff. It adds an extra layer of tough.