LostOne1985
Bronze Member
Hello Everyone,
Thank you for viewing my post and the support you will be able to give me. I am venting here and expressing some of my horrific experiences in the past. This is what will lead up to my PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Well it all started with my childhood. My mother was a drug abused woman that i love no matter what because she gave me life but, she use to sell herself to abuse drugs. My father was absent for some reason to me, resulting having to be a man at an early age. Well i constantly had to deal with my moms drug life, the johns that use to drop her off, the people she would try and burn for money, the boyfriends that would try and hit her. She gave me and my sister up pretty much as babies to her parents which tried their hardest to raise two messed up kids that no one cared about. Well my mother died in 2000 of a drug overdose at the an early at of 30+ don't remember how old she was and i don't want to do the math.
When she died it was like relief but a void in my life, i did not have to worry any longer which affected my sleep big time of when we got the call she was dead. She was found on the side of the highway with maggots eating away at her. The void left me with a big gaping hole in my life, my whole life i was never someones baby and now for sure there was no one to say i love you, i care about you, how are you doing? My father i had a brief relationship with, we started to have a connection till my mother ruined it for me as my parents never really cared about each other before, but once i wanted something with my biological father, my mother comes in and ruins it for me. Any how, she told me one day that her and my father were drinking and he hit her so my natural reaction as her son was to defend her. So i called him up one day and i told him if he ever did anything to her i would effing kill him. Of course, this was prior to my moms passing. The thing that upsets me the most out of both my father and my mother is that my last name was something previous and they had plenty of time to tell me before both their passings.
So my mom dies in march of 2000, her father the only man that took me in, died the same year of june of 2000. So once my grandfather died i lost all stability that i once had, a home, financial support, mentoring, etc. My grandmother use to let my moms brother abuse us physically because of the frustration she had for her daughter for dropping us off with her to raise us. He would beat us all the time till one day i stood up to my uncle, i can recall i was like 10 and i told him that i would turn him into CPS if he kept hitting us and he stopped that day.
My past experiences have also affected me being molested my cousin(which was a older girl), my uncle that was a priest, and unfortunately my sister. This was all that happen before my mothers passing. I just felt that the persons i should rely on violated my trust, everything that stands for loyalty was violated and no one fessed up to saying sorry for the pain that they caused. I do give the two girls that molested me a little slack as they were molested by others. My grandparents knew about this but never called authorities about the incidents.
Long before my mothers passing her husband before she was into heavy drugs use to abuse my sister sexually and so they could get high would lock us into a closet for us to cry ourselves asleep. This is possibly why we were sent to live with our grandparents because the lack of parenting from my mother.
So in 2013 i found out my father died from a heart attack all by himself to pretty much rot till someone smelt him and report that smell which lead to the police finding him. After finding out how he died and what he died from gave me anxiety that one day that could possibly happen to me. I was obsessing about his estate losing sleep about him and found out so much information about him as a person that he neglected to tell me. Such as my last name was once the same as his but changed for some apparent reason. He nor my mom told me why when they have every opportunity to do so. The last time i spoke to him was when i was 21 and my hatred grew for him pretty deep as i had to learn how to be a man all on my own. This really messes with you as being a boy to a man, it test your manhood. Its like no one is there to teach you these manly values so i turned to the streets to teach me these things. It was a negative learning pattern, as i was selling drugs, stealing, messing over society as i felt it was done to me.
So in 2011 i had my first biological son, which is my second since i consider my wifes first child as my own because his dad was an absent father as well creating a big hole for him as well. So when i had my first son i thought i would reach out to my father before i knew of his passing. After learning of his passing is when my depression spiked for me and anxiety because as i mentioned previous how he died, and what he died from. My depression spiked because i wanted my father to meet his grandchild setting aside everything in the past. Unfortunately, he passed and left another void in my life as my mom is dead, my father is dead and at this point i have separated myself from my family as me and my sister are the so called failures and see us as the black sheep of the family that were not supposed to amount to anything because of my mothers habits prior to her passing.
Now to the present, my wife mentally abuses me due to my prior infidelities to before we got married. I came clean about all the women i slept with, the abuse of alcohol, the partying, and decided to get married. We had our first/second son in 2011 and everything really spiked from here. I felt after getting clean from alcohol that people i burned bridges with in the past i would run into and still deal with this. I feel when i run into them there is going to be some type of physical confrontation and girls that would be pissed of how i messed them over in the past.
My wife not has be cage up like an animal i cannot break free, my son is autistic and i watch him around the clock, we just had our third/second son. My life is in the dumps i feel, my wife tries to control me, tell me to get out if i only love her for the kids, if i want other women still (which i do not), she has made me solely depend on her for everything as i threw away relationships for her and the sake of our family. I feel stuck like i have received my GED, my associates degree, and now i will be getting my bachelors degree. For some reason it is not good enough for her. Now sometimes i just feel like the only thing that can give me peace is death.
I love life, i love living, i love watching my kids grow and that is what stops those negative thoughts. Sorry this is just venting for me and seeking how i can just maintain a positive life. I have been on all kinds of prescription drugs that have made me all zombied out and that is not enjoying life so i am currently smoking cannabis occasionally for my depression, ptsd, and general anxiety disorder.
So i have be molested, been beaten, been abused on every level, both my parents are dead, i feel all alone, I feel like i have no support and the only thing that makes me want to be a better person and a better man that all the men i have encountered with is my sons. Sorry about all the typos i just really wanted to get this off my chest as i feel like i am going to blow up.
Thank you for viewing my post and the support you will be able to give me. I am venting here and expressing some of my horrific experiences in the past. This is what will lead up to my PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Well it all started with my childhood. My mother was a drug abused woman that i love no matter what because she gave me life but, she use to sell herself to abuse drugs. My father was absent for some reason to me, resulting having to be a man at an early age. Well i constantly had to deal with my moms drug life, the johns that use to drop her off, the people she would try and burn for money, the boyfriends that would try and hit her. She gave me and my sister up pretty much as babies to her parents which tried their hardest to raise two messed up kids that no one cared about. Well my mother died in 2000 of a drug overdose at the an early at of 30+ don't remember how old she was and i don't want to do the math.
When she died it was like relief but a void in my life, i did not have to worry any longer which affected my sleep big time of when we got the call she was dead. She was found on the side of the highway with maggots eating away at her. The void left me with a big gaping hole in my life, my whole life i was never someones baby and now for sure there was no one to say i love you, i care about you, how are you doing? My father i had a brief relationship with, we started to have a connection till my mother ruined it for me as my parents never really cared about each other before, but once i wanted something with my biological father, my mother comes in and ruins it for me. Any how, she told me one day that her and my father were drinking and he hit her so my natural reaction as her son was to defend her. So i called him up one day and i told him if he ever did anything to her i would effing kill him. Of course, this was prior to my moms passing. The thing that upsets me the most out of both my father and my mother is that my last name was something previous and they had plenty of time to tell me before both their passings.
So my mom dies in march of 2000, her father the only man that took me in, died the same year of june of 2000. So once my grandfather died i lost all stability that i once had, a home, financial support, mentoring, etc. My grandmother use to let my moms brother abuse us physically because of the frustration she had for her daughter for dropping us off with her to raise us. He would beat us all the time till one day i stood up to my uncle, i can recall i was like 10 and i told him that i would turn him into CPS if he kept hitting us and he stopped that day.
My past experiences have also affected me being molested my cousin(which was a older girl), my uncle that was a priest, and unfortunately my sister. This was all that happen before my mothers passing. I just felt that the persons i should rely on violated my trust, everything that stands for loyalty was violated and no one fessed up to saying sorry for the pain that they caused. I do give the two girls that molested me a little slack as they were molested by others. My grandparents knew about this but never called authorities about the incidents.
Long before my mothers passing her husband before she was into heavy drugs use to abuse my sister sexually and so they could get high would lock us into a closet for us to cry ourselves asleep. This is possibly why we were sent to live with our grandparents because the lack of parenting from my mother.
So in 2013 i found out my father died from a heart attack all by himself to pretty much rot till someone smelt him and report that smell which lead to the police finding him. After finding out how he died and what he died from gave me anxiety that one day that could possibly happen to me. I was obsessing about his estate losing sleep about him and found out so much information about him as a person that he neglected to tell me. Such as my last name was once the same as his but changed for some apparent reason. He nor my mom told me why when they have every opportunity to do so. The last time i spoke to him was when i was 21 and my hatred grew for him pretty deep as i had to learn how to be a man all on my own. This really messes with you as being a boy to a man, it test your manhood. Its like no one is there to teach you these manly values so i turned to the streets to teach me these things. It was a negative learning pattern, as i was selling drugs, stealing, messing over society as i felt it was done to me.
So in 2011 i had my first biological son, which is my second since i consider my wifes first child as my own because his dad was an absent father as well creating a big hole for him as well. So when i had my first son i thought i would reach out to my father before i knew of his passing. After learning of his passing is when my depression spiked for me and anxiety because as i mentioned previous how he died, and what he died from. My depression spiked because i wanted my father to meet his grandchild setting aside everything in the past. Unfortunately, he passed and left another void in my life as my mom is dead, my father is dead and at this point i have separated myself from my family as me and my sister are the so called failures and see us as the black sheep of the family that were not supposed to amount to anything because of my mothers habits prior to her passing.
Now to the present, my wife mentally abuses me due to my prior infidelities to before we got married. I came clean about all the women i slept with, the abuse of alcohol, the partying, and decided to get married. We had our first/second son in 2011 and everything really spiked from here. I felt after getting clean from alcohol that people i burned bridges with in the past i would run into and still deal with this. I feel when i run into them there is going to be some type of physical confrontation and girls that would be pissed of how i messed them over in the past.
My wife not has be cage up like an animal i cannot break free, my son is autistic and i watch him around the clock, we just had our third/second son. My life is in the dumps i feel, my wife tries to control me, tell me to get out if i only love her for the kids, if i want other women still (which i do not), she has made me solely depend on her for everything as i threw away relationships for her and the sake of our family. I feel stuck like i have received my GED, my associates degree, and now i will be getting my bachelors degree. For some reason it is not good enough for her. Now sometimes i just feel like the only thing that can give me peace is death.
I love life, i love living, i love watching my kids grow and that is what stops those negative thoughts. Sorry this is just venting for me and seeking how i can just maintain a positive life. I have been on all kinds of prescription drugs that have made me all zombied out and that is not enjoying life so i am currently smoking cannabis occasionally for my depression, ptsd, and general anxiety disorder.
So i have be molested, been beaten, been abused on every level, both my parents are dead, i feel all alone, I feel like i have no support and the only thing that makes me want to be a better person and a better man that all the men i have encountered with is my sons. Sorry about all the typos i just really wanted to get this off my chest as i feel like i am going to blow up.
Last edited by a moderator:
