Generation After Generation...

[scott_1971_h]

I have intergenerational trauma throughout both sides of my family. Yeti's grandmother was married to someone who came home from WW1 and became an alcoholic. Maybe he bacame an alcoholic after he had discovered just what he had married (by most accounts she was ... temperamental). Yetis mother was one of 14 (!) kids. She and the older ones were expect to help out with raising the younger kids. I always remember Alan (youngest) with an extreme major depression - sometimes he'd be great but he'd go for a fortnight every now and then without getting out of bed. He ended up topping himself at age 60 with valium.
Dud's grandfather was a blacksmith and came from Sachsen (Saxony). Not much has been said about what happenned to him there but it was bad enough for him to pick up everything and flee to Australia. He ended his life with Altzheimers. His wife (I think from memory) came from Silesia, could speak 4 languages but died early.
Dud's dad was a grumpy old codger, his nickname was blue because when drunk it's what he did. Dud was physically abused 'reasonably' frequently but i'm not sure how much. Certainly when grandpa was angry everyone gave him a wide berth...
Yeti's yeti was obviously another NPD. Nothing physical, that would be too detectable. But she excelled in interpersonally sucking the life out of everything and everyone within a 500 mile radius.

Anyone else here with intergenerational abuse?

Scott

 

[Sethe]

Probably. My mother denies anything was 'wrong' with her side. I grew up listening to her bash my father's side. I am pretty certain that he was abused and that it probably was passed down the line.

 

[scott_1971_h]

If your mother denies anything wrong with her side of the family, that's where you should start looking ;-). In my experience there's usually massive denial/idealisation/devaluation running in families.
Scott

 

[Kintsugi]

I come from a long line of abuse on at least my mother's side of my adoptive family and my biological mother's family. I know that my biological mother was extensively sexually abused throughout childhood and then was married to my abusive father. My adoptive mother's side of the family has abuse running back to at least my great-grandmother, who was extremely beautiful and extremely abused by her husband. My grandfather left that house when he was 16 because he didn't agree with it, but he went on to be very verbally and emotionally abusive toward my mother.

 

[Crl1983]

My dads father was abusive and killed himself when my dad was 7 years old. His mother was a cold alcoholic who neglected him and his siblings. The only abuse I know of on my mothers side is sexual abuse by one of her uncles.

 

[Kintsugi]

Oh, I forgot to add that at my generational level, abuse ran rampant. All of my siblings and I, both adopted and biological. My cousins on my mother's side. My mother was also abused/has had trauma not just from her father.

 

[Crl1983]

I just want to share some of the far-reaching effects that generational abuse and resulting trauma has had on my family. I only know as far back as my grand parents so. I told the beginning of what I know so far above. My father had 3 brothers and 1 sister. His sister died at the age of 16 in a bad car accident. His brother Jeff died in his 20's of a drug overdose. His other brother, Bobby died a few years ago. He was murdered in the street. From what I have been told he was involved with the wrong people and drugs. After my dad killed my sister we tried to locate his family because he always kept us cut off from them. We found out that he may have killed before. One of his cousins told us that my dad was the only one in the room with his other cousin when he died. My dad told everyone he turned around to put a record on and when he turned around his cousin was dead, but everyone believes my father actually killed him and lied about what happened. Okay, fast forward a bit. Now, my brother very much takes after my father and idolizes him, even though he killed our sister. My brothers girlfriend has confided in me that he is verbally abuse towards her and gets violent. She said they get into fights and when she tells him she's going to leave he becomes suicidal. My brother seems in complete denial about who and what my father really was and he is avoidant of the family most of the time. He has a drinking problem and he uses drugs alot. I am scared to death for him. He refuses to get help, just like my father always did.

I also have another sister who survived. She has also been diagnosed with PTSD, and she is the one who discovered Andreas body. She started cutting and burning herself after Andrea passed away, and my mother tells me that my sister sometimes abuses prescriptions, smokes a lot of pot and drinks alot now. At least she will talk about things with me sometimes. I hate that my surviving siblings are falling into their old ways. Before my father did what he did that night, even before that my siblings had bad problems with drugs and drinking, I am talking everyday use. I myself had such problems with drugs and alcohol when I was younger. That is how my father got them to stay in his house for so long, by allowing them to party there all the time and allowing excessive drug use and drinking to go on. He had them in such a horrible, brainwashed state. He always did everything in his power to keep us there, to keep us as his property and within his control. Even when we became adults, he was abusive and controlling. My sister admitted to me that he once told her I wasn't part of their real family anymore, because I "left him,and I left them". Sorry this has gone a bit off topic, I guess things just started pouring out. I'm just trying to show a bit how generational abuse has branched down through my family and caused issues.

 

[Crl1983]

Oi, I forgot to mention another big branch of the generational abuse. My ex-husband. Extremely possessive, controlling, and abusive in every way. He was a monster. He would actually bring up other very traumatic things from my past, he would get me to talk about them and trigger me, and then he would use those things to tear me down inside. He was extremely sadistic. He held knives to my throat and would choke me, and I was constantly fearing for my life because he would actually threaten to kill me often. I got out when the kids were 1 and 3. Hopefully I got out soon enough. I work so hard now at keeping them safe and I talk to them and pray everyday that they do not carry these things over. I feel I failed for staying as long as I did. My drive and main goal in life now is to keep them out of traumatic and abusive situations, because It looks like I'm going to have to be the one to break the cycle in my family.

 

[SimplyComplex]

My mother's mother was an alcoholic and very abusive (NPD I believe). My mother's father is idealized so I am not sure. I think he was fairly calm. But it sounds like his mother was NPD.

My dad's mom was BPDish and abusive. My dad's dad was highly abusive.

I don't really know beyond that. It seems like no one wanted to talk about them...can't be a good sign.

 

[jasmin]

I heard countless ravings from my mother about how much of a victim she was. I still don't know what was true and what wasn't. She came from a family of 8 children and claims that and her mentally ill sister (and her???) were molested by their father. Most of the family deny this. I know they were all beaten by him regularly with belts and what not (which wasn't all too uncommon back in the day of canes at school). 2 of my aunts claim to have been raped by their eldest brother.
All in all, 2 have schizophrenia, 2 - 3 have had depression/manic episodes and nervous breakdowns.

My father has depression/anxiety but that's as a result of brain damage from a motorbike accident.

 

[The Albatross]

On my mother's side I am the 4th generation of women who have married abusive/violent/unstable men. (My first husband... I am now with my second husband who has never struck me but does have some issues).

On my father's side... something was so wrong with my grandfathers parents he never spoke about them, My grandmother's step father sexually molested her badly... my grandfather married her to rescue her from the abuse and he never saw her naked, even after bearing him 4 children, my father, his sister and two brothers.

My father was physically and emotionally abused and as an adult loved his booze and became a textbook narcissist. He physically and emotionally abused me more than my brother... but I was the mouthy and at times unwisely brave one... occasionally openly defiant.

My mother has OCD and ADD type behaviors and an eating disorder... binge eater. She is also passive agressive.

The buck stops with me because I wasn't able to bear children... which I consider to be a blessing more than a curse. But my husband is a product of a neglectful and alcoholic home... we are trying to work through our crap and stay married... which is the biggest challenge I've ever had. It hasn't been easy, but we've been together for 21 years... and knew each other (dating/engaged) for four before that. His mother and brother are active alcoholics. He is sober, and I'm mostly but not entirely sober.

 

[mamachick]

I was only 17 when I married my first husband who was only 19. His father was bi-polar (which I knew nothing about at the time). He struggled with addiction, was a hot head, and very abusive. Life was unstable, understandably. Got out after about 6 years. A few years later, I married my second husband. Had 2 wonderful children and to a large extent was very happy.

One of our daughters has non verbal learning disability (resembles Asbergers), particularly on a social level. She did not get diagnosed until she was 16. Husband refused to admit there was something wrong all of her life. His childhood was just fine, unlike mine. (not really, but that is how he see's it). Anyway, he was not abusive, but he was not present for me or our children. I often thought he was Asbergers. He may have NVLD like daughter but never diagnosed.

He does not understand non verbal communication from others (which is like 65% of all communication), so if I were crying-he would go cut the grass. When my grandaughter died-he got a haricut. When I needed to go to the hospital with chest pain-he shaved. Summarize-neglectful but provided financially. Was predictable unlike my first husband. Predict-expect nothing. Nothing for mothers day, christmas, valentines. Never a card, cant see what needs done and sat and watched me juggle kids homework, dinner, a ringing phone, etc routinely.

Since I was less abused in childhood and highly neglected, I knew how to tolerate both. The first husband was worse for sure so leaving him was easy. Everyone knew he was an idiot and so a divorce was no surprise. However, neglect is very painful-he was never there for me-he didnt know how. I tried for years to teach him but it wasnt as important as his job. So I excused it. Finally we seperated. The guilt from splitting up the family has been horrible.
Yet I knew I could not sleep next to this man another night. In addition, I received a lot of criticism from others. Why do we think just because someone is not abusive that they are a good person? I know that neglect can be a form of abuse but it is not usually seen as that in a marital situation.

I would prefer to be alone for the rest of my life than be abused or in a relationship without and hope, growth, or trust that the other will be there when you need them most.