Getting Beyond Coping

[tryingtofly]

Your statements are very passive /aggressive. I am not doing very well this evening and think as to not cause any more drama maybe you could stop replying to this post. Thank you kindly

 

[katz]

I know, that what I have gone through is nothing compared to what others have and, it leaves me ques...

I can completely understand what you mean. I'm amazed how well you have described my thoughts and internal feelings. Thank you. I have been ignoring feeling anything for years. My family was always yelling as I grew up. (no wonder I hate load noises.) I finally decided long ago that I was not going to fight. I decided, inside, that I would rather lose, then fight. As it happens, this made me learn to "not feel" anything. I'm desperately trying to learn how to do this. It has been difficult. I went in circles trying to help myself for years. I read books and learned about "coping". But, no luck.
Then one day--I did the unthinkable. I told.
The family erupted! there was lots of yelling and screaming and they all told me that I was crazy! And "how could you accuse him like that"! I ended up even more alone and very sad. I also actually forgot everything. All the terrible things that I went thru and all of my "demons" just disappeared from my mind. Sounds impossible, but I did it. (I read about how it is a coping mechanism-and completely normal. If you do this and just "forget", don't be angry with yourself-it's normal to do this)
It took over 10 years to start remembering again. I'm still very much alone. There is no one to talk to and the family and I are on ... bad terms. I have finally found a councilor who is trying to help me learn to feel the intense sadness that is deep, deep within me. I'm finding out that feeling is a very scary thing. I've been holding the feelings in for so long that I can't find them to let them out. The few times that some did come out when I was much younger (high school)--I ended up in the hospital. Because of this, I am sooo afraid of letting any of them out. I don't want to go back in the hospital again. All I feel is...empty and hollow inside. Everything else is just "surface" emotions, and just made up to make me look more "normal".

When I read of some of the terrible things that others have gone thru, I tell myself that mine are not as serious. I tell myself that I should be glad that I did not go thru what they did. It's very difficult to "feel sorry" for myself. I have a difficult time trying to "do something nice" for myself. I think I don't deserve it.