Getting Dumped Because Of My Ptsd

[nursenurse]

And then, it could be nothing to really do with PTSD. People fall out of love as much as they fall in love. She may not be the right one whether you had PTSD or not. I think we all tend to put ourselves under a microscope when a relationship fails, when in the bigger picture, it simply wasn't meant to be. I am sorry you are going through all of this.

 

[Abstract]

I am really sorry ASH.

I think it is a very difficult thing for other sufferers to answer because we all feel so innately toxic and unworthy. You need people to say things to you that I find difficult to do because of my own baggage.

What I will say is that it sounds like this relationship was just not meant to be. It does sound like she just could not cope with what was involved. I think its OK for you to mourn that and feel your feelings about it. Try not to let it feed into those PTSD feelings about your self and the world. Try to keep it to just this relationship, to keep it there.

Having flashbacks and nightmares is not your fault. Having fear around things that you shouldn't have fear off is not your fault. The story about the dishes broke my heart. I can see the strain for both of you. Your parents were monsters.

You are working hard and have come a long way already. You should be proud of yourself. I too never had any expression of anger or any awareness of it at one point and understand the inner repercussions of that and how important it was to move on.

You had a good three year relationship with someone and I am sure shared many good things. She could not deal with the impact the condition had on you both. The condition is not your fault. You worked very hard to protect her as much as you could. Carry on working hard and take one moment at a time. You never know what might be in your future.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am sorry too ASHR88, I really don't know what to say. :( It sounds like she was a terrific support (she did all of the small but critical and therefore huge things), and you sounded like you did as well. And as Abstract said the symptomolgy you can't help such as nightmares, nightsweats etc. And as Abstract also said, we usually are hardest on ourselves in that regard. I don't know why some supporters or partners are able to take it in stride or overlook it (so to speak).

Hugs if that's accepted.

 

[Greenwaterbaby]

Hey there. Well, i've been dumped becauses of my PTSD. But I was horrible and deserved it really, even if he wasn't a saint, neither of us really knew what was going on. But you sound like you're really trying, and its not your fault, so I as a woman would normally, if I loved someone, put up with the bad to keep the good, as long as the good outweighs the bad... and a few night sweats and anxious moments don't sound so bad to me. Some people just aren't as giving as others, or run out of emotional steam, its not even that they don't want to be, its just they can't be. Not all the time, not inorexably.

Remember this, there is someone for everyone in this world. Someone will undestand you and apprecitae your great qualities over everything else. Someone fits.

 

[Bark at the Moon]

I've had it happen many times in the past, been called a "burden" and every other name and degrading thing in the book. I haven't been in a relationship in several years now because they are too triggering. Every time I think I want to be in one I realize that its not me who is the burden, but the relationship itself. I think you had a good relationship with her and you did the best you can, perhaps you expected too much from her? Or her breaking up with you has nothing to do with you, but its more of some problem going on her life? I am not going to tell you what to do, but I'll tell you what I am going to do. I'm going to avoid relationships and the dating scene in general until am stabilized. That doesn't mean no casual sex though, not that those opportunities happen all the time, but when they do it feels like a blessing from God himself.

 

[anonymous]

I guess my rambling questions are these: Does this happen to everyone? Did I just pick the wrong person to be with? Are there people out there who I can trust with something like this? Are there people who can struggle with me and still think that my good qualities are worth that struggle? If it does happen to others, did it make your feelings of shame worse?

It happened to me. I doubt it happens to everyone.

I also think chances are generally higher of things like this happening when challenges are in the mix, e. g. PTSD and/or other disorders/disabilities... Point is that it's difficult for people who have not lived through trauma and developed PTSD to find a partner who fits. Even if they have no disorder/disability/whatsoever.

Today I watched a tv show. A 24-year old woman was interviewed. She had recently lost her best friend who died. She said that that was by far the worst and the first death of a loved one that has ever happened to her. There are people out there who were lucky enough to live through only few or no traumatic experiences, and they have trouble finding someone, too. So, when "we" (I am also a sufferer) go look for a partner, we don't only need one that fits (personality, looks, whatever you consider important) but also someone who can deal with the PTSD. I think that makes it more difficult, also once in a relationship.

I think you didn't pick the wrong person as I believe there is no such thing per se. You can never know in advance if a person is the "right" person or the "wrong" person. People change with time and circumstance. They change with experience, hormones, and so many other things. I knew a couple once who had been together for ten years, not married. The man was an actor (theater) and one day a new colleague of his joined the group. The man fell in love and left his 10-year love after one week of knowing his then new colleague. Only looking back can you judge somebody was "the wrong person"... A negative outcome, no matter how painful and devastating, does not make the initional decision a wrong one.

Are there people out there who you can trust with "you"? Yes, there are. It's been very difficult for me to find one, but I am convinced they're there.

Did it make my feelings of shame worse? For some reason that I do not know, I have had little shame, always, although I do have a long trauma list. What it did do though was make my feelings of abandonment, of unworthiness, of not belonging and not being loved and not being allowed to love worse. It's those different levels of pain I struggle with most (among some other things) today.

I am so sorry this happened, ASH. I sense a lot of pain and desperation in your post. Please be as kind to yourself as you can possibly be. You deserve to treat yourself with a lot of respect, care, compassion and love.

 

[HFA_Cat]

I keep seeing "I kept trying this, I kept trying that." Bless you. How godawful to have to keep trying like that - not surprised it blew. Someone who really gets it isn't going to need quite that much work, imho. 4 years does seem like one long time... but that 'getting tired' business, dunno, doesn't seem right. You do NOT get tired of dealing with someone you love.

I'm in a unique position, myself. Many many years ago I dated several Nam vets: each with way severe PTSD. Almost like I went looking for it, lol! But they ran the gamut: I woke with a 38 to my head more often than not. Their flashbacks usually involved a weapon also. Yet when we broke up, it had diddley squat to do with PTSD and 100 percent to do with jerk in one case, nut in the other. (PTSD you can live with. Paranoid schitzophrenia on top? Not so much.)

Jump forward 25 years - and suddenly the damn shoe is on the other foot. I'm in my shrink's office at a complete and utter loss. What is happening to me??? Have I lost what little is left of my mind?? Severe abuse (mostly mental but went physical) for 6 or so years. Finally I get rid of her - and WHAMMO. Life out of control. WTF? She's gone, and now I go berserk? Shrink finally says "PTSD". Instantly I saw those folks I'd been with: one for 5 years.

I didn't give either of them the boot for the PTSD and I find it damn hard to believe anyone would. To me - and to you - PTSD is our world. In reality, it's not who we are. It's not even 100 percent of our lives. Think about it. How rare really is the bad crap? Pretty rare compared to all the days, weeks and months that pass when life is normal.

Oh that pisses me off to see your pain, it truly does. So fast to blame yourself, and our PTSD. What if =she= was at fault? You don't get tired of loving someone, after all. That ain't in the contract, period. When you sign up for love, you sign up for the whole damn package. For better or worse, I believe the words are. And when you think about it, PTSD doesn't have a HAIR on some of what other folks have. I've also attempted (once) a relationship with an alcoholic. PTSD sufferers are bad? hahaho! Not.

Even as we speak, I have a "friend" (the only soul I know where I am, thanks to the individual who did me in) who is a thief. Stayed with me for 4 months and stole me blind. Goes to the store for me - rips me off. You name it. Now, would you rather date cute little (saggy ole fart) me, with my PTSD, my flashbacks, my constant terror, my not sleeping for weeks, etc etc or would you rather date cute little her and have to count the silver when she splits?

So help me, I am surprised all this just came out. Just shocked the crap out of myself. Must have been reading your OP and getting angry that did it: I'm usually the fastest of all to blame myself/my PTSD for everything imaginable. To even read myself sort of sticking up for it is unfathomable.

No I haven't been dumped with PTSD: this is a damn ugly new world, TYVM. Only been in it 6 months or so. And prior to that I haven't dated anyone in a coon's age! However, as I said, I did indeed have two major relationships with PTSD folks. So much so that when I was diagnosed, dang near dropped dead. "I thought that was for vets only?"

My shrink said "there are wars and there are wars," God love him. I think my point is if anyone dumped your poor butt for your PTSD, that's one hell of a copout. People can have far worse problems, pal. Thieves. Alcoholics. Junkies. Lord I could make a list - half of them are my exes lol! ONE of mine thought she was a witch. Oh lord I could go on endlessly - point is, the PTSD folks - both of whom had it far worse than I EVER will - were the least problematic of the bunch to deal with.

Christ with PTSD - gimme a break. Do we lie? No. Do we drink/drug? Some of us: we get past it. Are we thieves? No. (For me, a thief has no soul. Not kidding.) So PTSD? A flashback here and there? Something is going to trigger us? What's the worst if it does? Personally, I bite the dust. To me it's the worst: fainting like a boob in the grocery store, the car, anywhere. For someone with me? No big deal. Give me a couple minutes to get off my arse and life goes on. There are SO many worse folks to be with.