This thing, whatever it is has stopped me cold in my tracks. I've been vigilant of people for a very long time, but now even walking out my door or even being outside makes my stomach twist. Work is not happy with me because this has taken such a toll, my clients are not happy with me because i've canceled so much. I'm a planner, but this "thing" erodes my will, I shake all the time, feel held down under it. The weight of this takes my breath away. I've had a very rough life, but nothing has prepared me for this.
I spent years depressed and suicidal, angry and spiteful. I vowed to never let my past take over my life, to become the kind of person my parents failed to. I accomplished that. No i'm not rich or even middle class for that matter, but I have learned that those things are societal requirements and not life requirements. I have never been a follower. I have built myself a stone foundation I thought I was safe on. Looking at it now, I see that the signs of my fears are everywhere. Double locks on the doors and windows, cameras watching entryways and still I am fearful. I never wanted to believe that. I Never wanted to think that after all this time I was still afraid. The facts speak for themselves though.
My cup runneth over. I found a trigger last night. If I feel like I am in distress, (cant breath, see myself shaking, anticipate distress) I will automatically fall into a panic attack. Just the thought of having an attack, or talking about having one sends me spiraling. This cup I have has been filled to the brim for forty years. The military was good for it, it bled out in ways that were beneficial, constructive. I had a job to do and that's all there was space for. It was structured and bred confidence and strength. Maybe coming home was a bad idea. I miss it sometimes. Now I am exhausted all the time. Just six years ago I was working eighteen hour days and dealing with criminals on a daily basis. Walking break-ins alone, catching drug growers, working alongside law enforcement on a daily basis. Seeing the ugly underbelly of what this city has to offer. Now, I'm nervous stepping outside.
Was I kidding myself for all these years? Was I just hiding? Are the decisions I made out of fear?
I have raised three daughters. All good kids. They all know how I think, safety first. Never put yourself in a situation you can't get out of. If it looks funny and sounds funny, it's probably time to leave. Never second guess your gut. They have never had to live through what I did. They have never known what it was like to have nothing and no one. They have never known what is was like to go hungry or fear for their lives. They have never had to eat out of trash cans or beg for food or have to do unspeakable things to have somewhere to sleep, safe or eat that day. Part of me is jealous of them, ignorance is bliss. Part of me is regretful that they will never have the instincts I have for trouble and I fear for their futures. I trained them young though. Things to watch for, know your surroundings at all times. Don't live in a bubble. Hopefully their lives will not come with so much baggage.
I know this is long. You have my apologies. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading it. I guess I'm just trying to find a path back, or maybe this path is supposed to be where I am, I don't know. Feel free to comment or give your opinions on the matter. I'm sure I will return to add to this. Thank you again for reading.
I spent years depressed and suicidal, angry and spiteful. I vowed to never let my past take over my life, to become the kind of person my parents failed to. I accomplished that. No i'm not rich or even middle class for that matter, but I have learned that those things are societal requirements and not life requirements. I have never been a follower. I have built myself a stone foundation I thought I was safe on. Looking at it now, I see that the signs of my fears are everywhere. Double locks on the doors and windows, cameras watching entryways and still I am fearful. I never wanted to believe that. I Never wanted to think that after all this time I was still afraid. The facts speak for themselves though.
My cup runneth over. I found a trigger last night. If I feel like I am in distress, (cant breath, see myself shaking, anticipate distress) I will automatically fall into a panic attack. Just the thought of having an attack, or talking about having one sends me spiraling. This cup I have has been filled to the brim for forty years. The military was good for it, it bled out in ways that were beneficial, constructive. I had a job to do and that's all there was space for. It was structured and bred confidence and strength. Maybe coming home was a bad idea. I miss it sometimes. Now I am exhausted all the time. Just six years ago I was working eighteen hour days and dealing with criminals on a daily basis. Walking break-ins alone, catching drug growers, working alongside law enforcement on a daily basis. Seeing the ugly underbelly of what this city has to offer. Now, I'm nervous stepping outside.
Was I kidding myself for all these years? Was I just hiding? Are the decisions I made out of fear?
I have raised three daughters. All good kids. They all know how I think, safety first. Never put yourself in a situation you can't get out of. If it looks funny and sounds funny, it's probably time to leave. Never second guess your gut. They have never had to live through what I did. They have never known what it was like to have nothing and no one. They have never known what is was like to go hungry or fear for their lives. They have never had to eat out of trash cans or beg for food or have to do unspeakable things to have somewhere to sleep, safe or eat that day. Part of me is jealous of them, ignorance is bliss. Part of me is regretful that they will never have the instincts I have for trouble and I fear for their futures. I trained them young though. Things to watch for, know your surroundings at all times. Don't live in a bubble. Hopefully their lives will not come with so much baggage.
I know this is long. You have my apologies. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading it. I guess I'm just trying to find a path back, or maybe this path is supposed to be where I am, I don't know. Feel free to comment or give your opinions on the matter. I'm sure I will return to add to this. Thank you again for reading.