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Getting it out I guess.

Coldplain

New Here
This thing, whatever it is has stopped me cold in my tracks. I've been vigilant of people for a very long time, but now even walking out my door or even being outside makes my stomach twist. Work is not happy with me because this has taken such a toll, my clients are not happy with me because i've canceled so much. I'm a planner, but this "thing" erodes my will, I shake all the time, feel held down under it. The weight of this takes my breath away. I've had a very rough life, but nothing has prepared me for this.

I spent years depressed and suicidal, angry and spiteful. I vowed to never let my past take over my life, to become the kind of person my parents failed to. I accomplished that. No i'm not rich or even middle class for that matter, but I have learned that those things are societal requirements and not life requirements. I have never been a follower. I have built myself a stone foundation I thought I was safe on. Looking at it now, I see that the signs of my fears are everywhere. Double locks on the doors and windows, cameras watching entryways and still I am fearful. I never wanted to believe that. I Never wanted to think that after all this time I was still afraid. The facts speak for themselves though.

My cup runneth over. I found a trigger last night. If I feel like I am in distress, (cant breath, see myself shaking, anticipate distress) I will automatically fall into a panic attack. Just the thought of having an attack, or talking about having one sends me spiraling. This cup I have has been filled to the brim for forty years. The military was good for it, it bled out in ways that were beneficial, constructive. I had a job to do and that's all there was space for. It was structured and bred confidence and strength. Maybe coming home was a bad idea. I miss it sometimes. Now I am exhausted all the time. Just six years ago I was working eighteen hour days and dealing with criminals on a daily basis. Walking break-ins alone, catching drug growers, working alongside law enforcement on a daily basis. Seeing the ugly underbelly of what this city has to offer. Now, I'm nervous stepping outside.

Was I kidding myself for all these years? Was I just hiding? Are the decisions I made out of fear?

I have raised three daughters. All good kids. They all know how I think, safety first. Never put yourself in a situation you can't get out of. If it looks funny and sounds funny, it's probably time to leave. Never second guess your gut. They have never had to live through what I did. They have never known what it was like to have nothing and no one. They have never known what is was like to go hungry or fear for their lives. They have never had to eat out of trash cans or beg for food or have to do unspeakable things to have somewhere to sleep, safe or eat that day. Part of me is jealous of them, ignorance is bliss. Part of me is regretful that they will never have the instincts I have for trouble and I fear for their futures. I trained them young though. Things to watch for, know your surroundings at all times. Don't live in a bubble. Hopefully their lives will not come with so much baggage.

I know this is long. You have my apologies. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading it. I guess I'm just trying to find a path back, or maybe this path is supposed to be where I am, I don't know. Feel free to comment or give your opinions on the matter. I'm sure I will return to add to this. Thank you again for reading.
 
Hey @Coldplain, welcome to the forum. It sounds to me like you've been doing your best to stuff everything down and have run out of strength. You've seen some of the worst this world has to offer and have done everything you can to battle against it. As you judge your past actions be very gentle. Is it really surprising that someone who has been through multiple traumas would have set up cameras and taught your children strategies to avoid the same fate? I don't think so.

I strongly suggest looking for a therapist that doesn't just advertise that they work with PTSD patients, but one that had the credentials to back it up. Being comfortable with a therapist, while EXTREMELY important, isn't all that matters. I may really like Bob, but it doesn't mean I want him packing my parachute.

There are a lot of treatments for PTSD, and more are being tested now. Two of the most common you'll hear about are CBT and EMDR. You can find studies on both of these forms of therapy and you'll find that there's plenty of people that no longer have PTSD symptoms after treatment.

There are no 100% guaranteed cures, but it is possible to get treatment and not just suppress symptoms, but not have them. Remember, living through a traumatic event is a prerequisite for PTSD, but not everyone who goes through it will have PTSD. It is possible to have a traumatic past but live "normally"

The road ahead won't be easy, that I can pretty much guarantee, but with treatment and a lot of hard work you may discover that you can live a life better than you've ever imagined possible.

I wish you the best as you push forward.
 
Was I kidding myself for all these years? Was I just hiding? Are the decisions I made out of fear?

I have raised three daughters. All good kids.

it be a fine and fuzzy line between denial and putting your focus where it matters most. raising 3 good kids sounds like a mighty fine focus to me.

a recurring theme i have seen often in my own peer support network is where folks repress their symptoms far enough to raise good kids and/or have a high-power career. once that job is done, the dam breaks and all those repressed emotions come flooding out uncontrollably at tsunami forces. time to deal. often these are the folks who make strong, efficient recoveries because they already know how to get a job done. they don't waste much time on wishes and wants. ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

hope it turns out so for you, coldplain. hope healing happens here.

off-topic.
i live on the southern great plains with chances of snow this week. i'm getting a chuckle from your username this morning.
 
Hey @Coldplain, welcome to the forum. It sounds to me like you've been doing your best to stuff everything down and have run out of strength. You've seen some of the worst this world has to offer and have done everything you can to battle against it. As you judge your past actions be very gentle. Is it really surprising that someone who has been through multiple traumas would have set up cameras and taught your children strategies to avoid the same fate? I don't think so.

I strongly suggest looking for a therapist that doesn't just advertise that they work with PTSD patients, but one that had the credentials to back it up. Being comfortable with a therapist, while EXTREMELY important, isn't all that matters. I may really like Bob, but it doesn't mean I want him packing my parachute.

There are a lot of treatments for PTSD, and more are being tested now. Two of the most common you'll hear about are CBT and EMDR. You can find studies on both of these forms of therapy and you'll find that there's plenty of people that no longer have PTSD symptoms after treatment.

There are no 100% guaranteed cures, but it is possible to get treatment and not just suppress symptoms, but not have them. Remember, living through a traumatic event is a prerequisite for PTSD, but not everyone who goes through it will have PTSD. It is possible to have a traumatic past but live "normally"

The road ahead won't be easy, that I can pretty much guarantee, but with treatment and a lot of hard work you may discover that you can live a life better than you've ever imagined possible.

I wish you the best as you push forward.
Thank you for the encouragement. I'm not sure my Agoraphobia will allow me to see someone or not. I have a tough time stepping out of the house sometimes. Do I keep pushing myself out even though I'm in this state of mind? Does desensitizing work or does it just continue to freak me out? LoL,, my Hoooah is screaming in my ear to get off my ass and suck it up, "embrace the suck", while the rest of me is wondering if he's crazy...
 
I'm not sure my Agoraphobia will allow me to see someone or not.

Quite possibly the only good thing about covid is the amount of professionals with online appointments. If you aren't confident you'll be able to go out to go to an appointment consistently, looking for online options may be beneficial. Depending on where you are, you may find local therapists with virtual appointments. That can feel a bit more comfortable than an exclusively online therapist, but it depends on what you're comfortable with and have access to.

In some ways you may have to keep pushing yourself. We all need money... if you don't feel like you can go out and don't have to, staying home and doing something for yourself might be a good option. Staying home and dwelling on an incident for hours after a flashback isn't going to heal you and forcing yourself to go to the mall when everyone is a threat isnt going to do any good. When you do stay home, try to find something you can do for yourself and have the capacity for. Maybe you're not up for going to that place, but can go for a walk around your home. Watching a movie or tv can also be considered doing something for yourself.

Being gentle with yourself is key. You may not like how you're feeling or the thoughts racing through your brain, but there's always a reason for it (and not because you're actually crazy lol)
 
I am failing at recovery. My meds have stopped working and my attacks have returned with a vengeance. I have 4 to 5 a day, i've had to leave work, call off work again because it is ruling my life. I have been shaking all day and it wont stop. My chest hurts and my stomach is pushing everything out quickly.

I feel like I am just surviving between attacks at this point. I have locked myself in my office, even moved a bed in here because I only sleep 2 hours at a time and don't want to wake up my family. Things are not going well. I don't know what to do next. I have not quit or given up but I am scared. I am hurt from this, I feel weak and ashamed of myself for lacking the strength to control my inability to control myself.

I'm scared to go certain places, scared to go anywhere outside of my usual destinations. I feel like the world is spinning around me and i'm stuck in place, hiding from everything. Im scared my wife is mad at me for what's going on, scared she'll end up leaving me for this. She has voiced her aggravation for my diagnoses. maybe she's just aggravated that she can't help.

I'm lost in the weeds, deep in the swamp, up to my head with my nose in the air so I don't drown. The bottom of the river is just soft mud threatening to pull me under. My body says swim, but my arms are full of all this junk I can't pay to get rid of. All I do is when i'm home is code to try to distract myself and sleep between attacks.

Help!
 
recovery is not a pass/fail proposition. it is a complex weave whose threads work through the most unexpected of places.

keep venting, coldplain. your answers are in there.
you are not alone.
 
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