Childhood Getting spanked and striped naked waist down as a kid traumatized me

Friday

Moderator
It’s f lame and I’m tired of the arguments and really want something done!
You’ll need to learn to use the right words, then.

- Timeout is NOT being locked in a basement for a week, without food, water, a toilet, or heat in the winter.

- Spanking is NOT being beaten, whipped, or sexually molested.

- A goodnight kiss is NOT oral rape, or grooming for future sexual assault.

People talk about timeouts, spanking, goodnight kisses, etc. as normal parts of everyday life... because they ARE normal parts of everyday life. Applied fairly, rationally, with both good intent and results. Because they are NOT abuse & neglect. Not even in the same universe as abuse and neglect.

You can continue to get mad at the rest of the world talking about how their fair and reasoned discipline (timeouts, spanking, etc.) were beneficial to them & their lives... or you could learn to use the words the rest of the world understands to be very different -& not even in the same universe- as fair and reasoned discipline (Abuse, beaten, whipped, flogged, sexually molested, etc.).

I know goodnight kisses & timeouts weren’t on your list, I’m hoping that they provide a good example of common ways abusers disguise their abuse (by using innocent ways to describe vile & violent acts against their kids)... that are hopefully not as charged as the word “spanking”.
 
You’ll need to learn to use the right words, then.

- Timeout is NOT being locked in a basement for a week, without food, water, a toilet, or heat in the winter.

- Spanking is NOT being beaten, whipped, or sexually molested.

- A goodnight kiss is NOT oral rape, or grooming for future sexual assault.

People talk about timeouts, spanking, goodnight kisses, etc. as normal parts of everyday life... because they ARE normal parts of everyday life. Applied fairly, rationally, with both good intent and results. Because they are NOT abuse & neglect. Not even in the same universe as abuse and neglect.

You can continue to get mad at the rest of the world talking about how their fair and reasoned discipline (timeouts, spanking, etc.) were beneficial to them & their lives... or you could learn to use the words the rest of the world understands to be very different -& not even in the same universe- as fair and reasoned discipline (Abuse, beaten, whipped, flogged, sexually molested, etc.).

I know goodnight kisses & timeouts weren’t on your list, I’m hoping that they provide a good example of common ways abusers disguise their abuse (by using innocent ways to describe vile & violent acts against their kids)... that are hopefully not as charged as the word “spanking”.
You’re right. I wasn’t sure about mine though. My thing is maybe if we didn’t have to take our bottom half of our clothes and underwear off I probably wouldn’t have been as effected by it on a mental level. I’m too embarrassed to ask anyone in real life if that’s how things happened for them too, but I’m really skeptical of people that I know that talk about it and how it’s just a quick pop over clothes. I’m so skeptical of people saying that. Probably because that was never my case growing up and I can’t believe someone who supports it wouldn’t lose their calm not once to the point of forcing someone to bare for it. But, I know I’m biased in thinking like this. What worries me is other people saying on here I could very well have a mental abnormality which is not the best news to hear not to mention invalidating. ..I wish I would have gotten help as a child at an earlier age. I feel like I contributed to it by starting to like pain, hitting myself and becoming obsessed about it (starting night time fantasies of having to receive them by anyone one my mind came up with as a 7 year old while I was supposed to be asleep dreaming) I didn’t admit this earlier but I started reading spanking erotica / looking at pictures of it happening (to adults) probably at the age of 12 if not 11 (not knowing it was erotica or that people got off on it, but ironically unknowingly getting off on while thinking they were just stories for entertainment). It’s a wonder I never got caught! Anyways I feel screwed completely, but not enough that I need to talk with a counselor about it. I dropped my counselor but know how to breathe through my triggers now. I still have phases where I get super masochistic and I’m not sure why that is or what causes it, but I wish I could just be normal. There’s times where I can’t stop thinking about it and I’m afraid I’ll say it out loud and confuse someone but those days pass. My counselor said it sounds like ptsd but I’m not sure if it is. Anyway, I think I went off on a very embarrassing tangent. It still helps to get this out there and this site has helped me to be more transparent about what exactly it is that’s the matter with me. ... I hope I don’t regret it later.
 

Friday

Moderator
What worries me is other people saying on here I could very well have a mental abnormality which is not the best news to hear not to mention invalidating. ..
If you stop to think about it, though? It can actually be far MORE validating.

To do one of those ‘not your problem’ examples? I live in a high tech-town, you can’t swing a cat without hitting someone with HFA or Aspergers. A disorder which comes along with GINORMOUS sensory issues, more often than not. Perfectly rational, loving, amazing parents... buy their children expensive, lovely clothes... with tags in the back. Parents who would NEVER take barbed wire, and whip their kids bloody across the neck and waist for 8 hours a day, and then soak the resulting cuts in salt & lemon juice all night, only to repeat it the next day with stinging nettles, then day 3 with angry wasps and bee, and the next day with poison ivy, and the day after with lit cigarettes. But when you’re dealing with sensory issues? That’s a super common one. Tags on the back of clothes feel like barbed wire, and stinging nettles, and poison ivy, and bee stings, and salt in open wounds, and being burned with cigarettes. <<< That these parents were just trying to do something nice? Doesn’t make the tags magically stop hurting. Because the neurological condition sending pain signals doesn’t turn off around nice people and on around mean people. It’s just on. 24/7.

If someone actually HAS a neurological issue? That’s not them just being a drama queen, or spoiled brat, or making a big deal over nothing.

One of the biggest tells that a neurological condition is in play is reacting off-the-charts to normal things. Whether that’s reading (dyslexia), physical contact (sensory issues, anxiety disorders, PTSD, HFA, ADHD, and a helluva lot of others, as a matter of fact, including wacky ones like a vitamin deficiency that super sensitises the skin or makes bones brittle but not enough to break/just feel like they’re breaking), a door slamming causing a panic attack (not just PTSD, but anxiety, panic, sensoery issues yet again, etc.).

Having a neurological condition? Doesn’t make how you react less important but MORE important.

Normal + Neurological Condition = Important
Abuse + Neurological Condition = Important
Neglect + Neurological Condition = Important
Neurological Condition = Important

Because, baseline, it’s ALWAYS important. In and of itself.

More validating. Not less.
 
If you stop to think about it, though? It can actually be far MORE validating.

To do one of those ‘not your problem’ examples? I live in a high tech-town, you can’t swing a cat without hitting someone with HFA or Aspergers. A disorder which comes along with GINORMOUS sensory issues, more often than not. Perfectly rational, loving, amazing parents... buy their children expensive, lovely clothes... with tags in the back. Parents who would NEVER take barbed wire, and whip their kids bloody across the neck and waist for 8 hours a day, and then soak the resulting cuts in salt & lemon juice all night, only to repeat it the next day with stinging nettles, then day 3 with angry wasps and bee, and the next day with poison ivy, and the day after with lit cigarettes. But when you’re dealing with sensory issues? That’s a super common one. Tags on the back of clothes feel like barbed wire, and stinging nettles, and poison ivy, and bee stings, and salt in open wounds, and being burned with cigarettes. <<< That these parents were just trying to do something nice? Doesn’t make the tags magically stop hurting. Because the neurological condition sending pain signals doesn’t turn off around nice people and on around mean people. It’s just on. 24/7.

If someone actually HAS a neurological issue? That’s not them just being a drama queen, or spoiled brat, or making a big deal over nothing.

One of the biggest tells that a neurological condition is in play is reacting off-the-charts to normal things. Whether that’s reading (dyslexia), physical contact (sensory issues, anxiety disorders, PTSD, HFA, ADHD, and a helluva lot of others, as a matter of fact, including wacky ones like a vitamin deficiency that super sensitises the skin or makes bones brittle but not enough to break/just feel like they’re breaking), a door slamming causing a panic attack (not just PTSD, but anxiety, panic, sensoery issues yet again, etc.).

Having a neurological condition? Doesn’t make how you react less important but MORE important.

Normal + Neurological Condition = Important
Abuse + Neurological Condition = Important
Neglect + Neurological Condition = Important
Neurological Condition = Important

Because, baseline, it’s ALWAYS important. In and of itself.

More validating. Not less.
So what you are saying is that what I went through was normal and my reaction is off and over the top because I have a neurological problem? But that’s okay because now that I’m labeled with that people will understand and accept me and my reactions now because of that?
Sorry if that’s a bit aggressive but that’s what I take it as. I understand what you’re saying it just sucks that people have normalized that to the point where someone like me who has a negative reaction to being forced to take their clothes and underwear off and lay over someone’s lap while I’m crying as they continuously hit me and then have to watch my brother and sister go through it as well is seen as not normal for being okay with that as an adult.

Fuzzy Sweaters don’t make me feel like knives are jarring into my skin, what happened didn’t feel like I was getting a car smashed on my bum. If anything it was more of a mental and emotional effect and there are plenty of others that have had a similar effect that I did. Type in spanking in your search engine (most likely you’ll get at least one mention of porn/ or multiple porn sites) and see what comes up. I don’t look up things like that because I’m angry about it and I really want nothing but to heal but there’s no denying that something is off with it.
 
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Friday

Moderator
So what you are saying is that what I went through was normal and my reaction is off and over the top because I have a neurological problem? But that’s okay because now that I’m labeled with that people will understand and accept me and my reactions now because of that?
Not what I said at all. Look back, and you’ll see 4 listed options IF a neurological thing is in play. Not 1. And my entire point was that IF a neurological condition is in play, it does NOT invalidate anything, much less everything.

Sorry if that’s a bit aggressive but that’s what I take it as.
Then I would suggest you wait until you’re not pissed off to go back and reread it. As, again, that’s not what I said.
 
Y

YourFriendlyAngel

Let me say this:

(1) This is abuse, period. No matter what anyone here or anywhere else says, making your kid get naked waste down and spanking them is abuse. It may not be the intention of the parent to abuse their child in a sexual way, but that is what it is.

Why? Because of the sexual humiliation that comes with those parts of your body being exposed. Those are the parts YOU’RE supposed to control; the parts no one is supposed to see without your permission. Yet you’re forced to be exposed and humiliated, and then your powerlessness is driven home by the pain of the spanking.

Again, most parents who do this aren’t intending to sexually abuse their kids, but that is what it is, period.

If you want to spank your kid, keep their clothes on for God’s sake.

(2) You are definitely not alone in having your naked spankings affect you sexually as an adult. Do I think having a spanking or being spanked fetish only happens to people who were abused in this way? Of course not, and in many cases it’s the exact opposite: having never been humiliated and hurt in this way draws people to it. But many do indeed — from a very young age — try to experience it on their own terms and try to experiment with it. You’ll see kids spanking their cousins, teenagers skirt the line of abuse and consent when experimenting with BDSM, all that stuff. And you might say, “There is no skirting the line of consent!” And for a person who has NOT been traumatized in this way, that would be clear and obvious. Which is why this kind of childhood abuse cannot be allowed to happen! It screws up so much in a kid and manifests itself in the teenage and early adult years, leading to, for example, girls who seek abuse, and boys who feel like by putting their foot over the line they’re giving their young girlfriend what she wants or needs (true regardless of gender btw).


So, in summary, first there is nothing wrong with you. You suffered sexual abuse — albeit completely unintentional by your father — and it screwed you up. It’s true that different people react to these experiences differently, yes. Nevertheless, the problem is NOT you. The problem is what you endured as a child.
 

Breathe

Learning
I really think it did. It disgusts me thinking about it now and I can’t talk to anyone without feeling like they won’t take me seriously. My dad would make us strip naked waist down for it and go over his lap. ..I think the effects must be worse for a girl or maybe just for me.

He started when I was 3 or 4 and didn’t stop until I was 11 maybe. I remember the last time freaking out because I had pubic hairs and I didn’t want my siblings to see. That time I ended up talking my way out of it luckily. But every other time before that still messed with me. I would worry about it all the time, every action was based on whether or not I would get it.

Also, I started hitting myself at 5 and I started really liking pain. My dad just used his hand but I hit myself with whatever. I would go in my room blast the tv and hide in the closet and do it so no one could hear me. I also would draw pictures of it happening to others, look up the words spank in the dictionary, and play games with my siblings about it. It was like I was obsessed or broken to a point where I fixated on it.

And I was great at hiding it because no one ever noticed or said anything. I even asked my dad to do it twice out of nowhere at 6 or 7 without doing anything bad and of course both times he explained that he only can do that if I did something bad. But it still confuses me of his lack of concern for his daughter asking for that kind of thing and how he continued more years of doing it. Other things I often felt as a kid were intense shame and high self consciousness. I felt like everyone knew. I wasn’t comfortable with my body and It didn’t feel like it was mine completely.

I stopped hitting myself at 12 and traded it for self harm. And I still fantasized getting hurt. I started reading stories about it online and didn’t realize at the time that It was arousing me until I reached college years. I was fine with that though. I accepted that I liked pain and would actively seek out abusive guys and would fantasize them punishing me. sometimes I would get a rise out of them just do they would hit me. I went into a bdsm phase that I once I realized it was just a compulsion to repeat trauma I pulled myself out of it.

At that point I hated myself and wanted it to stop. I hated feeling the way I did and felt alone completely. You can’t just outwardly say getting spanked traumatized me and expect someone to listen. Most people that I told were on anonymous chat sites and used it to their advantage to get off while others would either laugh or deny that getting spanked wasn’t the issue because it happened to them and they’re fine so I must have something wrong with me. So I went back to denying myself and cutting a lot. And it took years and lots of self work to get over it.

Fast forward I thought all the work was done and I was finally normal. I have 2 kids and vowed never to hit them. I never want what happened to me to happen to them and i never want them to feel how I felt. What brought me to this site was when my boyfriend threatened to spank them once. I ended up raging. Once the kids were gone to daycare I screamed at him to the top of my lungs for probably 10 minutes he said that he couldn’t understand what I was saying and I honestly couldn't make sense if I tried. I was just screaming. I knew what I wanted to say in my head but some words were mixed up and I probably just sounded incoherent...I also lost my voice the next day so I know I went to far and over exaggerated the situation. but it was like I snapped and while I was angry at him part of me went away.

I still have no idea where all of that anger came from but maybe it was the traumatized part of me screaming. It scared me and is still confusing me.

I told my boyfriend what my dad did to me and he said he would never do that he just meant 1-2 hits and I felt even more foolish. We agreed to take a break for a bit and we’re back together now but I still can’t tell him things like this bother me. If people even start talking about disciplining their kids that way my blood boils and I have to leave the conversation, I can’t hear kids crying in the stores or tantruming because it triggers me a I freak out that their caretaker will hit them in front of everyone. I try to hide when I’m upset over these things so no one notices but it’s irritating that this still bothers me.

I don’t want to go to a therapist about this because I don’t think they will take me seriously either. I’m scared my trauma is laughable but I hoped posting this would help to get it off my chest and it did. Comments are welcome, and I’ll try to be okay with advise or criticism. It would also be nice to know I’m not alone because I feel like I am most of the time.
I would encourage you to read my post about traumatic spankings as a child. We went through different things but I completely understand your reaction now to the word “spanking” or to adults hitting children. I have the exact same reaction. I get scared, angry, flight or fight responses so someone saying that they think spanking is okay. I also fetishized it early in life. That is why spanking is such a bad idea. I hear you and I would love to talk more if you need to talk to someone. I personally have had good luck talking to a therapist who specializes in trauma. They will believe you and they will work with you to heal. I know how hard it is to discuss these things with someone and have the sense that you won’t be believed, and it is another form of trauma if they don’t. I hope you have a partner who is validating and reassuring to you even though it is embarrassing to share these experiences. I’m so sorry you were hurt. You did not cause this and it’s not your fault. You are not the one who deserves to feel shame and fear.
 

siniang

MyPTSD Pro
Why? Because of the sexual humiliation that comes with those parts of your body being exposed. Those are the parts YOU’RE supposed to control; the parts no one is supposed to see without your permission.

Nah. Plain BS. Children have to strip down in all kinds of circumstances (ever been to the doctor's? School entrance physical?). Heck, most young children'd run around butt nacked all the time if they'd could without even a second thought.

If anything, it's cultural because there are some cultures that for some reason are terrified of the human body and stigmatize and - yes - sexualize it to extreme. Other cultures don't. Ever been to Europe, for example? Most of us are very liberal when it comes to nudity, and this is the environment our children grow up with. Human body? Nothing sexual or humiliating when exposed about it as a default.

You've viewing this from the angle of being an adult and having grown up in a specific culture. And your personal experience (and possibly trauma; assuming here since I don't know your story)

Most kids don't care about nudity. And to them there's absolutely nothing sexual about the plain fact of being nude.

For what it's worth: I was spanked occasionally. Including bare-butted. I neither have developed trauma from that nor sexual fetishes. Seconding Friday here, go re-read her great older posts in this thread about the interplay of 'normal everyday life things' and underlaying neurological condition and/or spanking in the framework of other occuring abuse.
 
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