• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Getting stuck in sexual routines because that's the only safe thing to do

Status
Not open for further replies.

beaneeboo

MyPTSD Pro
Think the title explains this well.

I have very few things i feel safe doing in a sexual relationship. So I've become stuck being only able to do what I'm used to. And I feel guilty about that because it feels al about me in that respect... I feel I should be giving my partner more/ doing more. In some ways I want to be brave and try new things. But most of the time if we do i freeze and it triggers a cascade of unhealthy reactions/ thoughts/ feelings/ emotions etc ... so it's safer not to... it's taken years not to feel physically sick just to do what we do now... anything else feels unsurmountable...

Has anyone else been through this and worked through sexual trauma in the relationship to free you (both) up from past traumas... how? Do you recommend just working through feeling sick and dissociated to do this (can't see any other way)?

Has
 
I haven't worked through sexual trauma, but I'm betting a sex therapist or trauma therapist could help. I guess I wouldn't push myself too much without some extra help, you've done a lot by getting to the point where you are!
 
I'm in the middle of this. Personally, I'm not ready for a sex therapist--I'm guessing what they would see as baby steps I would see as immensely huge, impossible, & triggering steps. I bought one of the standard "sex for those recovering from trauma" books, but the first ten pages were so deeply terrifying that I gave it to my CBT therapist of the time and told her she could have it, because I certainly couldn't read it. So I'm working through this with a trauma therapist. Going slow and not making things worse is good here.
One thing that might help is for you and/or your partner to think really broadly about what "new things" mean and see if there's an area of new behavior that doesn't intersect so much with your triggers. Examples--little sexy notes left in a lunchbox, reading a sexy romance out loud, body massage, a hot kiss in the middle of the day, looking at your partner naked. Even when sexuality is constrained, adding little unexpected sparks can help a lot. Another thing that can help--little experiences that are brief, so there's not as much time for the triggers to kick in.

Another skill that's useful is that when something happens that triggers me, I tell that to my spouse, and we cuddle for a while while I regroup and calm myself down. Many times I can then go back to what we were doing. I only do this for sexual activity that I usually find enjoyable, and don't try to do this to "push through" new experiences.

Finally, my therapist really encourages me to fantasize separately from interactions with my spouse, to become comfortable with the idea that I can be sexual and comfortable with my body. We spend a LOT of time gently pushing out the fantasy boundaries and working through what I'm afraid of. And touching my own body also is good, as long as that's not avoidance of partner.
 
I haven't worked through sexual trauma, but I'm betting a sex therapist or trauma therapist could help. I guess I wouldn't push myself too much without some extra help, you've done a lot by getting to the point where you are!
Thank you DharmaGirl. That actually really helps to hear.

I'm in the middle of this. Personally, I'm not ready for a sex therapist--I'm guessing what they would see as baby steps I would see as immensely huge, impossible, & triggering steps. I bought one of the standard "sex for those recovering from trauma" books, but the first ten pages were so deeply terrifying that I gave it to my CBT therapist of the time and told her she could have it, because I certainly couldn't read it. So I'm working through this with a trauma therapist. Going slow and not making things worse is good here.
One thing that might help is for you and/or your partner to think really broadly about what "new things" mean and see if there's an area of new behavior that doesn't intersect so much with your triggers. Examples--little sexy notes left in a lunchbox, reading a sexy romance out loud, body massage, a hot kiss in the middle of the day, looking at your partner naked. Even when sexuality is constrained, adding little unexpected sparks can help a lot. Another thing that can help--little experiences that are brief, so there's not as much time for the triggers to kick in.

Another skill that's useful is that when something happens that triggers me, I tell that to my spouse, and we cuddle for a while while I regroup and calm myself down. Many times I can then go back to what we were doing. I only do this for sexual activity that I usually find enjoyable, and don't try to do this to "push through" new experiences.

Finally, my therapist really encourages me to fantasize separately from interactions with my spouse, to become comfortable with the idea that I can be sexual and comfortable with my body. We spend a LOT of time gently pushing out the fantasy boundaries and working through what I'm afraid of. And touching my own body also is good, as long as that's not avoidance of partner.

Thank you for this... I can see its something you're working on alot... thanks for all the really well thought through tips!

I think i have to get better at telling him when I'm triggered. I'm not so good at that. Also don't want him to feel like he's done something wrong.

I'm intrigued by you working through this with your therapist... I think I would find this so difficult to talk about openly... how have you found it if you don't mind me asking? Is this therapist trained to do sex therapy?
 
It is really hard to talk about intherapy. It's an incredibly intimate discussion. Maybe working through with your T your worries about talking about this with them might help?
I raised some stuff in my last session, and it has really helped.
 
It is really hard to talk about intherapy. It's an incredibly intimate discussion. Maybe working through with your T your worries about talking about this with them might help?
I raised some stuff in my last session, and it has really helped.
Thanks movingforward10.... I'm not sure i could...I can't even bring up the sexual trauma yet... he doesn't know about it... it's a fairly new therapy relationship...plus my T is a man... never has a male T before... not sure how that convo should go... could go.... Will probably have to wait a while going there...
 
I'm intrigued by you working through this with your therapist... I think I would find this so difficult to talk about openly... how have you found it if you don't mind me asking? Is this therapist trained to do sex therapy?
I actually did this work in two phases. I used to have a CBT-trained therapist. She didn't have a trauma or sex-therapy background, but she was a great fit for me. What I did with her was buy a textbook on human sexuality, I would read a chapter by myself, and then I would come in and talk about it. The "distance" of talking about a textbook helped reduce the triggers. Talking about it with her, I could see how calm and normal she was, and that helped. When I encountered things that were frightening, I just skipped those things.

Later, I've worked with my trauma therapist. Because I have dissociative identities, working with someone trained in that has seemed more important that working with someone trained specifically in sexuality. My T does do a lot of work with couples and with sex addiction, so does know a lot about sexuality.

What I find is that my language is somewhat clinical & restrained, but that I can talk about most everything. What really helps is when my therapist remains very calm and non-reactive. The big point here with both my past and present T is that I learned slowly that I could talk about sexuality and absolutely nothing happened that was either sexual or traumatic between me and my T. That trust takes some time to develop.
 
I actually did this work in two phases. I used to have a CBT-trained therapist. She didn't have a trauma or sex-therapy background, but she was a great fit for me. What I did with her was buy a textbook on human sexuality, I would read a chapter by myself, and then I would come in and talk about it. The "distance" of talking about a textbook helped reduce the triggers. Talking about it with her, I could see how calm and normal she was, and that helped. When I encountered things that were frightening, I just skipped those things.

Later, I've worked with my trauma therapist. Because I have dissociative identities, working with someone trained in that has seemed more important that working with someone trained specifically in sexuality. My T does do a lot of work with couples and with sex addiction, so does know a lot about sexuality.

What I find is that my language is somewhat clinical & restrained, but that I can talk about most everything. What really helps is when my therapist remains very calm and non-reactive. The big point here with both my past and present T is that I learned slowly that I could talk about sexuality and absolutely nothing happened that was either sexual or traumatic between me and my T. That trust takes some time to develop.
I can see how that would be really helpful to have someone non reactive and where you feel there's no sense of sexuality or trauma between you...I think that's what I'd worry about that this dynamic creeps into the room (I'm female and my T is male) making it even more awkward
 
I think if you first understand what constitutes a healthy relationship, then the sex part will come easier for you. There is a book that I am presently struggling to remember the name of.....um um,

.... The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse. by Wendy Maltz

I highly recommend this book.

(And forgive me for assuming but your concerns are common for survivors of sexual abuse, of which I am one).

And there are many good books about healthy relationships as well. I would suggest you browse through some of them also and see if one seems to be right for you. Educating oneself can go a long way to aid in healing

I wish you all the love and luck in the world because I know it is difficult but it is not as insurmountable as it seems. If you have a good therapist they can also help you to heal sexually. I think you will find that feeling safe is absolutely a prerequisite for healthy sexual relationships and that there are many people who struggle with the issues you mentioned in your original post.

Wishing you all the best,

Blessings,
Lionheart
 
Last edited:
A good therapist will have such rock-solid boundaries that any transference or fantasies that you have will not get in the way of your safety with them. Awkward? Yes. Safe? Absolutely.
Thanks... Good to know as I hadn't considered this to be a possibility.

I think if you first understand what constitutes a healthy relationship, then the sex part will come easier for you. There is a book that I am presently struggling to remember the name of.....um um,

.... The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse. by Wendy Maltz

I highly recommend this book.

(And forgive me for assuming but your concerns are common for survivors of sexual abuse, of which I am one).

And there are many good books about healthy relationships as well. I would suggest you browse through some of them also and see if one seems to right for you. Educating oneself can go a long way to aid in healing

I wish you all the love and luck in the world because I know it is difficult but it is not as insurmountable as it seems. If you have a good therapist they can also help you to heal sexually. I think you will find that feeling safe is absolutely a prerequisite for healthy sexual relationships and that there are many people who struggle with the issues you mentioned in your original post.

Wishing you all the best,

Blessings,
Lionheart
Thanks Lionheart... the book sounds good... I'll look into it...

I think you're right about feeling safe being a prerequisite... it's really early days for my T relationship... probably all too much right now... I do have a problem with thinking every man is just out for s** or is thinking of me in a sexualised way...🤦‍♀️

Can I ask how you (or anyone who is happy to answer) how you broached the subject in therapy with your T before? I can't quite visualise how that goes.
 
"I would like to talk about X, but I find the subject overwhelming and would like to dip into this really slow."

"I'm worried that as I learn to trust you, sexual feelings will come up, and I don't understand how we can have a safe relationship."

It's important to go very slow and to understand how your therapist works and maintains your safety in his office. (Different therapists have different approaches.) Maybe to start, don't even dive into any sexuality, but do talk about safe boundaries.

It's not just sexuality where this comes up. A therapist can become that person who never hit you, the parent who holds you in a way that you were never held, the man who treats you with dignity.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top