Supporter Gf's Ptsd Triggered. Living With A "stranger"

[Thynker]

I feel like I'm living with someone I hardly know. When she's physically here I still feel like we're miles apart.

Her PTSD was recently triggered and it has been an 'up and down' type of couple of days. This morning was the most difficult. We were both up for 2 hours, before she left for church with a friend, and we hardly spoke to each other. I broke into tears after she left because I feel like all I have is her 'shell' and the woman I fell in love with has gone away somewhere else for the time being.

We've been together 15 months, and she has only had a PTSD episode once before (close to a year ago). I was able to get through it then but I'm so much more emotionally invested in "us" that this is tearing me apart.

I know it will eventually get better (hopefully sooner than later). We both met with her therapist yesterday and that helped me a bit. I have a better understand of some things after reading things here, and speaking with him, but I still feel lost. Afraid. Scared.

And most of all. I just really miss my girlfriend.

 

[Bubba]

Hi Thynker! I'm glad you came here. I know it's a very difficult situation - especially when you are emotionally invested.

I am a PTSD sufferer and I can tell you that the best thing you can do for her right now is accept her boundaries. She is going thru a real live nightmare and in order to stay sane - she may need to pull away from those she loves. It's those that she loves that often create more stress because of the emotional investment on her side and yours. She just can't be there for you and as hard as that is for you, it's something that you either need to accept and wait out or you need to leave.

You can try talking to her - you may have tried already - but that may cause her more stress and would defeat the purpose. I would simply take care of yourself right now. Let her know you are then whenever she needs you and just back off. Let her heal in her own way and time. She will let you know when she is ready to let you back in. And another thing that would be a help to her is for you to make sure YOU are healthy emotionally. If you aren't - then that is going to cause some additional stresses and problems. So go to counseling youself if you feel you need to. Keep yourself busy with activities you enjoy and just be ready to be there when she says it's ok.

Keep posting here - check out all of the forums. Feel free to PM me if you have any direct specific question on PTSD and you'd like a sufferer's opinion.

Take care!!!

 

[OKRADLAK]

Hi.

I feel sad for your situation! I read your other post and honestly, no one should tell you to shut up.

I have PTSD for many years and have learned it is no excuse for bad behaviour. It can cause it, that is for sure. But we have to go back and take responsibility for it.

She does not have a right to treat you badly, especially since you are trying to help her!

You do NOT Have to be a door mat. You do NOT have to suck it all up.

You have a right to tell her that you know she is hurting. However, you need to be treated with respect. You cannot help her if she keeps tearing you down.

In some relationships when my PTSD first started, I was very angry and very jealous of my partner who was so damn happy. That was one aspect. Another time, I tested my partner to see if he really WOULD be there when I needed him. Of course, he was NOT there because I pushed too far.

THese were not on purpose. I have had a long road and have learned al ot.

For me, I now think I am too toxic to date- haha- so it is not an issue. But you do not have to put up with bad behavour because guess what. Even if you WANT TO , there comes a point where you simply WILL NOT be able to.

Nurture yourself!

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello Thynker, welcome.
I'm sorry, I haven't read another post, but please be kind to yourself. :(

This is not very helpful, but I can relate to what you are descibing (as a sufferer), I feel like evryone is a stranger to me now, that I am alone even in the largest crowd or one-on-one.
I guess it's me who has become the stranger- Idk. :(

Needless to say, please just take care of yourself. I don't know if she will leave, or leave just for now. I don't mean to get your hopes down, but I have to be honest.

However, I'm glad you both saw the Therapist, I hope all comes around.
Hugs to you, please try not to be sad, or at least do not blame yourself it's just ptsd.

 

[Thynker]

"...It's those that she loves that often create more stress because of the emotional investment on her side and yours..."

"...make sure YOU are healthy emotionally. If you aren't - then that is going to cause some additional stresses and problems. So go to counseling youself if you feel you need to. Keep yourself busy with activities you enjoy and just be ready to be there when she says it's ok."

Thank you for the words and advice Bubba.

She is naturally a very caring, loving, giving, compassionate person so I can only imagine that dealing with this heightened stress could possibly amplify not only those natural feelings but then amplify the fear and emotions associated to the PTSD.

I believe I am emotionally healthy. The only thing that has recently gotten me "down" is my current work situation. Needless to say I'm not very happy with my job and therefore I may sometimes talk too often, too negatively about my work and work day. However, I have begun to take steps towards ridding myself from that place by building up materials and networking contacts. She is aware of some of the steps I have started taking to better my situation rather than (for lack of a better word) wallowing in my hatred for my job.

Otherwise I am happy with all other aspects of my life.

 

[Thynker]

Okradlak, Thank you for the perspective. I suppose my largest hurdle right now is determining what is appropriate behavior from her and what could be considered inappropriate. In the last few days she has said things to me that have stung deeply that I have simply tried to absorb because I know she is now dealing with her PTSD.

I have stood up for myself a couple of times here recently. For example, she had called me the other morning and we began talking about things. She then got off on a tangent cursing at me and telling me how badly I had effed up the other night. I could tell this was going to get us nowhere so I calmly told her something like, "I'm not going to continue listening to you talk to me this way. I'm going to hang up and you can call me back when you're ready to try and talk again." She had hung up on me before I could finish that sentence.

She called back 10 minutes later and we were able to actual talk and she invited me over.

Later that day, when we were meeting with her Therapist, she acknowledged what I had done over the phone. They both agreed that was what I needed to do. And I agree with you, I do not need to absorb any hostility directed at me; however as I said above I'm having trouble determining what would necessarily be "acceptable" and what would not be. Also, some of the times it catches me so off guard I don't really know how to react.

 

[Thynker]

please be kind to yourself. :(

This is not very helpful, but I can relate to what you are descibing (as a sufferer), I feel like evryone is a stranger to me now, that I am alone even in the largest crowd or one-on-one.
I guess it's me who has become the stranger- Idk. :(

Hugs to you, please try not to be sad, or at least do not blame yourself it's just ptsd.

Junebug, thank you and please remember your same words to me, please be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself either.

So far I have learned one thing between coming to this forum, and speaking to the Therapist; that PTSD is neither the fault of the person with it or those who have someone in their lives dealing with it. It's no ones fault.

I am sorry you feel like a stranger at times too. Obviously this is a difficult condition for both sides but it seems like both sides are willing to recognize certain things and make moves forward toward progress.

 

[Tinyflame]

How so very kind Thynker, thank you, for your kindness.

As far as what is acceptable, basically what would be (or not be) without ptsd.
So no screaming, bashing, emotional or physical abuse, rudeness, unkindness, lying (hopefully- whatever doesn't treat someone with basic human rights or respect); (and) the addition of apologies, taking (one's self) out of the situation, etc. (because we're all human and not always very kind or loving or considerate :( .
How you'd want to be treated yourself.

PS, your avatar is very sweet, btw.

I wish you both the best.

 

[Tinyflame]

Also, I shouldn't have discouraged you. I'm older/ have had it a long time, it's (that's) different.

Hugs to you, she's very lucky to have such a kind and patient partner.
Read the 'sticky notes' or threads, or post one, for help.

 

[Thynker]

Junebug, no need to apologize. No discouraging we felt at all on my part. All words, no matter how they could come across are going to be helpful.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks Thynker-(whew), it can go either way, there are so many variables.
I'm still sorry; it's hard enough without interjecting possible future negatives.

I think, the fact you're on here and asking speaks volumes.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Hi Thynk- Just wanted to add that somewhere along the line, those of us with PTSD realize that what is not acceptable to non-PTSD people is what is not acceptable from us, either. In other words, we realize (or at least I did) that it really does not matter how much I am hurting, no one will put up with unaacetable behaviour no matter that reason.

Society will not and human being simply are not equippped to tolerate abuse for long. In the end, the sufferer gets a form of PTSD, too.

It is a sad fact that even if we are in pain and have a right to scream at the world, if we actually do it, we alienate more people.

There will come a time when you both kind of merge into a compromise. She will learn to moderate and you will learn to tolerate- that is best case. I have been in those relationships and they are wonderful and I wish that for you!

Of course, this is all just my take as a long term sufferer.