Girlfriend Can't Be Sexually Intimate?

[MythicalLifestyle]

Me and my girlfriend has been dating and living together for over 2 years. In the beginning we were very sexually intimate, we loved each other so much like never before and it just kept growing stronger. but about 7-8 months ago she went to a friends house where she was forced to have sex with this guy, well Ill just say it, raped. And it's caused big problems in her head. We haven't had sexual intimacy in almost a year and I'm not going to push it because we have so much fun together that I could care less as long as shes ok. But sexual intimacy is something we both want, she tells me shes scared because she doesn't know if she will ever be able to be sexually intimate again, and every time she thinks about being sexual it brings back those memories. I just don't really know what to do because I miss the intimacy that we had, I know people will think I just want sex but I don't, is it so bad to want to be sexually intimate with your partner?? Remember I will never ask her to do it or push the issue EVER and I will give this time. As much time that's needed for this. I need help as I have never dealt with this before, do we kind of just throw in the towel and forget sexual intimacy ever? It feels like this guy stole this from our relationship now..

Thank's guys and gals.

 

[Chava]

First, it sounds great that you are caring and patient. This is really still new trauma and I'd say 7-8 months ago is nothing...she has good mind and bodily reason to be anti sex. But I'd also say that if it's something you both want again at some point, no, don't give up. Is she willing to consider therapy? I'd think trauma-focused therapy for sure, but also maybe a couples thing at some point. There are probably safer ways to regain intimacy in small and manageable steps. But I'd say at less than a year it's great to take it slow and honor her boundaries without abandoning her. Please encourage her to consider therapy if this feels like a huge block for her.

I had a guy dump me because I couldn't enjoy sex, but I zoned out...not present, sort of holding my breath and waiting for it to be over with. I liked him so much and thought we were a great pair...for a long time I really beat myself up over it. I felt really stupid and ashamed. But looking back, he was sort of an asshole and our relationship was meaningless to him if the sex wasn't amazing for both of us...hurt his ego too much. It sounds like you're being very mature about this. Don't think in terms of ever or never, but respect that for now you connect in different ways and she needs to heal. Great you came here for some ideas in how to support her. Time, trauma therapy, and your sticking by her through this healing could be very helpful. Glad to hear it's also something both of you feel okay talking about vs throwing in the towel (in some way, I've always done that before I could be dumped, as I've learned to expect).

 

[Ellabella44]

something like that will most likely take time, and alot of work. one thing my therapist has me do with my husband is concentrate on just feeling him and pretty much memorizing the feel of his skin, the smell of him after a shower, and things like that.... in other words making him a safe and familiar place, which i have to do now after a nightmare i had about an earlier experience way before i met him. doing a massage, where she just touches you can be a way of doing this... work on the little steps, let her control where things go, when she feels confident enough it will be possible.

I had a friend work with me directly after another event happened that turned me off from sex, (also way before i met my husband) and it helped that he was patient and let me control what was going on, no pressure, and what i got from him was that safe spot over time. I have no idea how this guy was so patient, but it helped that even if all that happened was that I cried instead because i was scared and seeing what happened, he was still there and told me it was ok, it would happen when i was ready and not before.

dont give up... it just may take time

 

[Karen12]

Is she interested in talking to a therapist about it? She could get a referral by calling a nearby woman's shelter, or a women's center at a local college or university.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If she isn't in treatment then get used to the status quo.

 

[ghotiff]

If you are both able to have an open conversation about this, maybe ask her what she would like to work on most as a first step. Eg holding hands, or a hug...it all depends where she is at.

Then, take it very slow and have her do it, eg her reach for your hand and hold it (while you stay still and calm). Baby steps. Once she enjoys holding hands, you could try something else. This type of exposure therapy will take a long time, particularly in the beginning.

Just for context, I was sexually a abused for years in childhood, and this was over 15 years ago but.... still to this day before any physical contact from my husband he must ask first...which can be as simple as the twinkle in his eyes, but the point is that I need warning and control. (I only started therapy this year).

Good luck.

 

[MythicalLifestyle]

Please encourage her to consider therapy if this feels like a huge block for her. Don't think in terms of ever or never, but respect that for now you connect in different ways and she needs to heal...Glad to hear it's also something both of you feel okay talking about vs throwing in the towel (in some way, I've always done that before I could be dumped, as I've learned to expect).

Thank's so much! this is the first time I have gotten a positive response, I came to the right place. :) I will never leave her due to sexual wants, shes amazing in so many ways I just needed some guidance on how to go about this trauma related problem.

Thanks.

 

[somerandomguy]

I agree with Solara. Don't expect anything to change if she isn't working on it.

I would expand on that, however, by saying don't expect anything to change, period. Working through sexual abuse takes years, decades, or an entire lifetime. Many people - maybe even most people - end up with not much of a sex drive after abuse or an assault.

On top of that, pressuring her for sex will be detrimental to you both. The pressure will make her shut down that much more, and you can expect nothing but frustration on your part.

To be perfectly honest, if you're not OK with going without sex - potentially permanently - you shouldn't be with a survivor, and I say this as both a former partner of a survivor and a survivor myself. In the best case scenario, you and she would work something out, but if she's not in therapy or in treatment, she's almost certainly not ready to discuss any type of arrangement.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I wish someone had told me this in so many words many years ago.

 

[shimmerz]

still to this day before any physical contact from my husband he must ask first...which can be as simple as the twinkle in his eyes, but the point is that I need warning and control.

Yes, This. Dis-association (not dissociation) and then re-association.

My shaman brought back a memory for me over a year ago that screwed me up greatly. Then I completely left it alone as it was too big to deal with. It put me into a very submissive space sexually (which I am not naturally). This had a very negative impact on my poor beloved and he didn't complain EVER. I felt horrible about it as he is just so giving and kind to me with no questions asked.

Anyways, although it seemed as if I was doing 'nothing' about it, I was trying to figure it out because I truly love him and want what is best for him as he is so giving to me. Then it hit me. I realized somewhere along the line (2 months ago) that I needed him to take control so that I could take control back. This was MY situation, not others but I think what I am trying to say here is that the posts above where people suggest very slowly reconnecting a good association with intimacy (holding hands, touching noses, whatever doesn't make her go 'yech') will help tremendously.

The 'twinkle in the eye' thing is fabulous @ghotiff. If you can touch her senses while you get to a place that she is comfortable with (like holding hands) and have a 'look' about you consistently then she can relate that to trust. As she trusts that look you can slowly incorporate other things. It is taking control but giving control.

I have to admire you for loving her so. I have great interest in this post as I couldn't for the life of me figure out why my partner was still with me after my behaviour through all of my stuff. It is so refreshing to hear that love can survive.

 

[ghotiff]

It is taking control but giving control

So well said!

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@MythicalLifestyle .

As a victim of penetrative male on child (male) Anal rape. I personally would use better terminology than "Problem". The trauma experienced at the time of the Rape of your GF will no doubt haunt her for a great time.

I am 27 years since the last time he raped with the tip of a butchers knife. I end graphic terms now, my point is if she says no, take from me she means NO.

Apologies for my bluntness. She has been the victim of a heinous crime. Patience and understanding TBH are the most important consideration and not, how long will it take.

Kind regards.

Laurie

 

[shell]

I had always had trouble being present during sex, although because I had blocked out being raped I didn't realize I was even dissociating. When I started therapy and all the memories came back I became far worse, and really struggled. My therapist had me work for months on non sexual touch, and eye contact so I was very aware of who and where I was.

There are alot of good books on this subject available on Amazon on kindle which meant I didn't have to be embarrassed to buy the book, which helped me over come my fears. My male therapist, brought the subject up, but I found it too stressful to discuss it, and eventually told him my sex life was off limits. I hope your girlfriend is in therapy.