Girlfriend Can't Be Sexually Intimate?

[Kefira]

So I've been watching this thread for a bit. And I'm finally replying, because it's bothered me that much. A few things:

went to a friends house where she was forced to have sex with this guy, well Ill just say it, raped.

Yes. You should 'just say it' because that's what it was, and she very well may need the validation of having it called what it was, rather than people skirting the issue and possibly insinuating that it wasn't a big deal. She's going to need that validation and reassurance most of all from you. So if you have any issues with being straightforward about what happened, I would suggest you get over it quickly. Consider getting treatment for you if you feel as though you may be in denial or experiencing your own reactions to her trauma you need to sort through.

It feels like this guy stole this from our relationship now..

Yes, in a way he did.But I guarantee he stole a lot more from her which she may or may not be aware of or talking about with you. And she might never be the same again. If she is, it will be through a lot of therapy and a lot of hard work. You need to be prepared for that.

how to go about this trauma related problem.

This is the one that really got to me. And I really hope you haven't voiced opinions as clumsily toward her. Because from personal experience, as soon as the 'sex issue' in a relationship has been labeled as a problem or concern by my partner my self esteem goes down, my insecurity over the relationship goes up, and my symptoms kick into overdrive. At this point I am forced into a position of distancing and then leaving, or survival mode where my goal becomes giving my partner what they want so they won't leave. Which for me means that sexual advances feel as though they can't be turned down and includes knowing re-traumatization on my part. Often the latter happens and is so devastating to my psyche that I then have to distance myself and leave, wishing sincerely that I had done so to begin with.

I know people will think I just want sex but I don't

If I may state my honest opinion, I think that the fact that you sign up and immediately ask our opinion regarding you and your partner's intimacy doesn't do a lot to negate this assumption.

 

[joeylittle]

As much time that's needed for this. I need help as I have never dealt with this before, do we kind of just throw in the towel and forget sexual intimacy ever?

Tell her you are with her for who she is, and you are there for the bad bits and the good ones. Then tell her that she survived an awful thing, and that you don't know enough to help her on your own - not with the intimacy issues, just with the processing of what was done to her.

She needs to deal with herself and her own feelings, struggles, pains - before she can begin to deal with what this means for her and you as a couple.

Throw in the towel and forget intimacy ever? In the biz we call that catastrophizing. If you are thinking of this only in terms of now or never (which even though you said you are understanding that this will take time, your language here belies that statement), and she even gets a whiff of that, you're adding damage to damage. Because she can't just get over this. And I guarantee you, she is much more afraid than you that she will never get over it. Take your fear and multiply it by a factor of 100. That's her fear.

When I told my ex about the rape that happened while he and I were together, his distress was so extreme that I was unable to feel anything for myself. I needed to reassure him. He kind of forced that action. Looking back on it, I realize that I never actually recovered from that. He made it about him, somehow. I'm not accusing you of doing that here - but it's near the verge of that.

Hold her, brush her hair, massage her feet, wrap a blanket around her shoulders - there are many, many ways to exist in physical intimacy and trust without sex needing to be invoked. Do things for her that will feel good for her, things that will remind her that she is more to you than just a sexual object. Because telling her that isn't going to be enough. Actual acts of support are far more meaningful than words, in my opinion.

 

[ghotiff]

@MythicalLifestyle I feel impelled to write the below.

I think it's great that you care so much to come here and be honest about how you feel and be able to ask and receive advice. You sound young, I by no means mean that negatively, just reminding everyone to keep in mind your life experience etc.

What people write here is heavily biased from their own life experience of going through trauma. While everyone's comments are very insightful, I hope you take them as information that you can use to help you and your girlfriend with this journey. I hope you do not interpret anything as criticism, words are imperfect descriptors and you can only do what you can. Also, caring enough to try is so important and it's obvious you do care.

On a personal note, I had a couple of boyfriends who knew and cared anyway. While they made plenty of "mistakes" and ultimately we were not meant to be, the fact that they cared and they tried were very important to my healing.