Relationship Girlfriend Of 6 Years

[Beyond Winter]

Hello everyone,

I need some input from anyone that was/is in a relationship w/ a sufferer of PTSD. Also if I'm doing the right things.

6 years ago I met a girl who I was instantly drawn to. Being similar in so many ways, but also having differences that make things fun. I mean, who wants to date a female/male version of yourself 100%. Ugh :)

The love has always been there, the support, and learning from each other. About 2 years ago, I noticed her changing in ways that was very unlike her. Just to back up a second, around 1 year into the relationship, she felt comfortable enough to tell me what happened to her when she was younger. Trust, plus me telling her what I had to cope with as a kid with an alcoholic father, who died from
It 11 years ago.

So, she asked me to move in with her and her mother who lived upstairs. Her father passed away 7 years ago, but neither of them addressed their anger n grief over it, so they fought every day. My g/f wasn't able to have a childhood because she, not her mother, dealt with having to witness and take care of the father who stopped caring about his diabetiss, losing his leg etc so she was made to clean the wound etc etc. not to mention the mental abuse as a child from her parents; proving words do just as much dafe.

After coming to terms that she needed help, she went to a therapist, started meds etc. lost her insurance, regained new insurance, but had to change therapists. I noticed she was getting a bit worse, but told it gets worse before better as her therapist has her talking about her childhood etc

After being together for 6 years, she called me while I was at my family's home helping my mother w/stuff that needed addressing. She called me in tears, telling me she needed to help herself, not be in a relationship right now. That she can't guarantee she would want to be in one for a while.

To say I felt like someone beat the hell out of my heart is an understatement. I let her know I understand, moved back home, giving her space. She told me we can keep in touch via text etc in meantime, but not go crazy with it.

So, am I missing anything I should do? I moved out, I keep in touch but limited. I have a friend who's a therapist out of state, so we talk on phone about what's going on, how to cope, tools I can use etc..But, I like to also get suggestions, ideas etc outside a therapist session. My greatest fear of all is losing her. The thought opens the flood gates. Is there hope for us back together again? Am I missing anything I should do to better those chances? I want her to be better first n foremost, cause its not about me. With that said, this sucks

 

[Ice_Fire]

(((((BeyondWinter)))) Oh that sucks. Majorly sucks. Sadly it's very common, we suffers push people away time and time again. Not feeling worthy of a relationship, thinking breaking up will hurt the other person less than them having to deal with our stuff as it resurfaces. Especially if it's been buried deep down. If we don't feel like we can cope and handle it, how can we expect the person we care about so much to? It seems grossly unfair to drag other people into it, to go on the roller coaster with us. Easier, safer, to push people away.

I wonder if saying this to her, asking if that is why she thinks you should be apart? If it is, then it's between you both to work out if it is worth challenging that thinking, staying together. Whether you are indeed willing to go on this roller coaster with her through therapy (I'm telling you now it's not gonna be easy), or not? If she's willing to bear her heart and soul to you by letting you go through this stuff with her. You're not the anonymous, professionally trained person who you talk to for an hour a week and then leave, you'll be there all the time, when she's feeling most vulnerable. Talking to a therapist is okay because you can dump them after the session. There's no emotional investment on either side. It's very different having someone you care about see you suffer. Then due to that, there's a pressure to pretend you're better than what you are, and eventually it seeps through the cracks, causing a need to escape, to not hurt the other person and show them how broken you're really feeling.

All in all, you're not alone and your sufferer is far from unique. For a short while, I'd give them space but still let them know you're there (if you want to be). But at some point soon, you have to have a proper talk with her about it all. You can't put your heart and life on hold indefinately, that uncertainty alone could spell the end. It would be a shame if that is why, it doesn't have to be. Just, tread carefully, she probably feels more fragile than glass right now, but don't do nothing, that's how she will slip away from you. She (consciously or not) will be expecting to just slip away because she feels too bad to be worth your effort. It's a hard position to be in, there's lots of similar threads around the forum that might be worth a read.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Beyond Winter it sounds like you are doing the exact right thing by being very understanding and respecting her boundaries. Sometimes that is all you can do when your sufferer is withdrawing. All you can do is let her know that you love her and respect her needs, and then keep on doing what you are doing. Probably any kind deep emotional discussions right now will just throw gasoline on the fire.

I would add that you need to take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating and sleeping like you should be. Talking to your therapist friend is excellent, and I'm glad to hear you took that step. It would probably help to distract yourself with some activities that you enjoy. I know a hobby isn't going to fix everything, but when my sufferer isolates, I have to keep busy or I lose my mind thinking about him.

Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Wow. It sounds like you're being a great supporter thus far! I can't really add anything more to what's already been said.

I do want to say YES, there IS hope for getting back together. There are many variables at play, but I don't want you to give up hope for a future with this woman.

I wish you the best.