Relationship Girlfriend With Ptsd Dumped Me Because I Accidently Triggered Her

[monsterade]

Hi everyone.

I was dating my girlfriend (17 years old, I'm 20 years old) for about 3 months until Saturday and she has emotional PTSD and trauma and is bipolar from parental abuse and a crazy ex boyfriend. Her ex was for 2 years and finally ended things 3-4 months ago.

On an occasion, I said a white lie on accident and it was unintentional and I apologized dramatically. On two occasions, I accidently and unitentionally grabbed her arm. Once at the super market to move her out of the way to someone who asked to get through at the super market, and one joking around horseplaying and teasing me when she kept touching me and I touched her arm. She said it really hurt her, and 3 or so weeks later after those incidents, she dumped me saying it hit her too close to home. I kept insisting it was truly accidental and she recognized it may have been accidental, but it still hurt her.

She dumped me Saturday saying she can't deal with it and self-harmed herself the Wednesday before dumping me. She said she needs time, to be alone and separate, and give her her time right now, and maybe eventually in the future we can try again.

Today on instagram she posted that a pic of her crying and that she got a new number. She has gone ghost and I'm worried.I messaged her asking to check up on her and I saw her post and was worried. I said around the same message on instagram saying I hope she heals soon and I'm sorry for what I caused, and i understand why she got a new phone number. She got back to me saying her mother changed her phone carriers and numbers and if she felt to reach out to me, I'd like to check up on her and I'll give her her space. She deleted all instagram pics, and removed our relationship status on facebook. She followed her ex boyfriend (not abuser) on Instagram whom she made me curse out on Facebook because he was bothering her and wanted nothing to do.

I love this girl and I would hope to try again in the future but I doubt that will happen. I insist that I loved this girl with every ounce of me and would never ever hurt her intentionally or on purpose, and my accidents were solely on accident. I made a mistake and I regret it so much. I did so much and made her feel like she was the only girl in the world and gave her every ounce of reassurance and attention she could want.

I don't know what I'm looking to get out of posting this, but I wanted to share in case someone has some advice for me to cope with this unbearable heartbreak as I can't help but think that I caused this. I believe that my actions were unacceptable and I can understand why they are traumatic, but I feel so much regret and that I caused all of this. I can't help but feel that my mistakes are letting her define me as her ex boyfriend who would hurt her physically and intentionally regularly. I've been physically and emotionally abused in the past by girlfriends and family, so I would never hurt someone intentionally and on purpose. I cannot keep emphasizing how what I did was accidental, and I will bear this weight for so long.

Thank you for reading. Please comment with any questions. I tried to be as unbiased as possible trying to understand how my actions affect her while recognizing my own actions as acceptable.

I wrote a 10 page long letter (5 front and back) saying how I've been looking into PTSD, trying to help, talking to friends for advice, I'm not mad for her decision, I'm here for her and willing to wait and I love her and hope she heals soon, and I am confused as to why she waited 3 weeks + to dump me.

 

[Freedomfighter]

You sound like a sincere person that is in pain. You are both very young and inexperience in such matters may also not help the both of you.

The only thing you can really do is to perhaps write a letter, invite her to social media perhaps. Write a letter and then see if time works out that problem.

The thing is you can't really write tons of letters or make a ton of phone calls because that might scare her even more.. it would also not be good for you because then it can be described as harassment.

 

[Isobel Wolf]

* Try writing unsent letters. You've told her more you didn't intend to hurt her, so you can rest assured she heard you, and will or won't reach out in the future. The ball is in her court

* Make sure you don't send them. She is not the person to hear you out right now but you are in need of sorting out the fallout for yourself.

* Resist the urge to check up on her social networking and making yourself more upset.

* If it happened twice involuntarily, you can't make any legitimate guarantee it wouldn't happen again, so her need to step away from you is valid. Honor her.

* Humble yourself to her sensitivity- you cannot control how another person will react to your actions

* Humble yourself to outcomes you didn't intend

* Let go of the agitation with meditation on acceptance that you cannot control this unwanted outcome to find your peace and calm.

Also if I may be so bold to say, if she's posting pictures of herself crying on Insta and making new boyfriends fight her battles with old boyfriends, she has more than a little growing up to do and is probably an inappropriate outlet for your love.

One more thing- you will be okay. Give yourself a hug. Sh*t happens.

 

[monsterade]

You sound like a sincere person that is in pain. You are both very young and inexperience in suc...

I'm in a lot of pain so I'm hoping to heal soon. I have written a lengthy letter and I might send it out next week. Or a post it note next week to check how she's doing.

* Try writing unsent letters. You've told her more you didn't intend to hurt her, so you can rest...

Thank you for your response I appreciate it. I told her if she'd feel to text me, I'd like to check up on her. She changed her number and I can't help but feel like it was because of me and not her mother who changed it, as she doesn't want me in her life.

I'm trying to cope with the pain and I've completed me long letter to her and I may deliver it next week and that'll be no more contact from me, I might not. And I might send her a small card saying I hope she's okay and I love her and if she needs to talk to me she can call me.

I'm trying to forgive myself and it's truly a work in progress. I do honor her choice because I did do what I did more than once. I am regretful of it.

What do you mean I'm in need of sorting the fallout for myself?

I hope I can heal soon and will return back to my meditation exercises and practices to give myself peace...

 

[Deadman]

Here is some advice from a blunt old man to a young man with his whole life ahead of him. Go read older posts in the Supporters area. Look in the relationships area. Thats what living with someone with PTSD is really like. Is that really what you want to deal with for the next 10 years? At least?

 

[Isobel Wolf]

By sorting the fallout I mean, it being over, you have to come to terms with that and it's going to be a solo discovery.
There may be further discovery with her, but the work starts with you, yourself and you.

 

[monsterade]

Here is some advice from a blunt old man to a young man with his whole life ahead of him. Go read older...

I'd live with her PTSD, and made it work, even it became worse. I'm dedicated to this woman. But I may never have the chance to that and I have to come to terms with that.

 

[nymafin30]

Hi everyone.

I was dating my girlfriend (17 years old, I'm 20 years old) for about 3 months until S...

Hi Monsterade, congrats, this experience is simply another stepping stone to you becoming a new and matured you :-) I got in this forum as I was researching on childhood abuse, drug addiction etc. My story, I met my love interest 4 months ago and she was the first one who offered to try it out. She was possibly abducted by a sex trafficking unit in the states and kept in a dark room for quite sometime, I'm leaving out using the r-word. It killed me when she said she knew she couldn't ever have a family, but always tried.
Quite a few of her symptoms I didn't understand before but now they're all making sense to me. Her mother once phoned me (I didn't even know her mother then) and begged me to look after her daughter because she was a drug addict, and blamed it on her daughter for having married another addict and a murder convict by her own wish. Just like yours, my love interest first vanished for a while
when we had a very normal difference of opinion, and then for one whole month when I actually told her my feelings. I don't have a diagnosis yet, but I'm trying to politely break it to her parents about her desperately she needs help, I'm the only one in the world who earned her trust and she told me her story to. Now, I'd like to give you some real facts so you can get an understanding of your girlfriend's behaviour:

1. Self-blame: when you're severely abused in their childhoods physically / emotionally, you start to "believe" that you're just a bad person who's bad from the inside out. Therefore, your conscious actions gets influenced by the subconscious belief. Even when everything's going fine and the other person feels like securing the relationship, having common goals, or tries to make it stronger, the survivour may start to do things to sabotage the relationship. Sabotage how? By being suicidal. Suicidal as in not just self-harming with razors, but also in business / career / education. For instance, my partner "knew" that she wasn't being able to handle a start-up business but still decided to sign up an agreement with someone else "even thought she was uninterested"......now, compare this with other stories here in this forum where the guy just can't understand why his girl stays around people who hurt and use her. This leads to point number 2.

2. Weak boundaries: our parents are the first teachers for us in this world. Now think of a brave person whose parents truly betrayed her and gave her no love at all. A girl learns to choose her life partners by using her father, or the substitute father-figure, or even an absent father as a model. She doesn't know whom to trust and whom not to. When she lets someone come close and he hits a trigger unintentionally, she easily gets overwhelmed by stress and she has to withdraw in a cave while she relives her trauma physiologically again. Imagine going to the gym and working out so much that you tear some of our body muscles. How do you feel the next day? Totally sore, and you can't really work much either, you easily get tired. In terms of perception, everything feels like just floating by, you're a bit dissociated. For people like your girlfriend, she easily gets stressed out mentally, because her mental muscles got torn...

3. Re-enactment and re-victimization: if your girlfriend doesn't get help she'll likely pick losers who hurt her again. It's not her fault, she doesn't know yet what a normal relationship between two lovers could be.

There are quite a few more but I wouldn't want to burden your young soul ! There are no medical cures of PTSD but there are therapeutic cures. In my understanding the partner of a person who has PTSD needs to be quite patient, dedicated, empathetic, with an ear for listening. What's needed is the therapist helping her to broaden her map of the world. She'd also need help is recoding her past experiences that trigger her so she doesn't feel triggered anymore. Yes, it's possible and since you're 20 you have a lot of time to study these things.

Since she's already seemed to have moved on, you have the option of either running after her and trying to change her and exhausting yourself, or just do the right thing a man should do and leave the rest to God. For me, this strengthened my belief that God is omnipotent, and the key is to listen to your heart.

 

[monsterade]

Thank you so much for your response.

I sincerely appreciate your response and understanding the reasons why she triggered so sensitively to my unintentional accidents. I agree with all of your points

For #1:

I did noticed she started to sabotage the relationship when things starting getting difficult. Even when we were arguing, and I was mad but apologized shortly after and said I'm not mad anymore, she'd stay mad for long periods of her time. I know her anxiety and bipolar disorder also caused this. She also finally got out of the crazy ex boyfriend situation very recent to when we started dating, and she felt like we rushed. We only talked for a week or so before we started dating, after the second time. She did say that she felt rushed since she was not healed yet.

Particularly, I agree with #2:

I do feel like there are weak boundaries. I know she has had father issues and consistently looked at me as a father figure to her to protect her, because her father was abusive when she was younger. It's an association that she mentioned quite often. I noticed her distance and pushing away once she indulged in her trauma, in particularly the Wednesday before she dumped me - she self harmed herself because of everything she was experiencing with the triggers and other stress. It's unfortunate but she couldn't handle it and broke down

For #3:

Not to be mean or bold, but I feel like she will do this. After noticing her follow her ex boyfriend on Instagram that she made me curse out and to stop talking to her because she said he was bothering him too much, I feel like she will continue to pursue the wrong options. I know I did a lot for her and few people can tolerate that much, especially since she is very young and inexperienced. I was her first real boyfriend who treated her well, with many relationship firsts: made her gifts, took on special dates, did couple things, and treated her like a queen. It was a relationship of many firsts (even so myself).

Lastly, I don't blame her for her decision or inability to handle what I did to her. She needs to heal and I respect that option. She wished for her time and I respect that, and will listen to her choice.

As it's been almost a week since she dumped me, I've written a 10 page letter (5 front/back) saying that I'm not mad at her, I've been looking into ptsd and her illnesses, reaching out to friends for advice on her situation, and that I hope she heals soon. I also mentioned I'd wait for her to heal (if she decides to) and if she's open, and would like me there for her during her healing. And that I still love her and hope she's better. I'm dropping it off next week to her house, and that's all I think I'm going to do. I've accepted that she won't reach back out to me, and this may not be read entirely (I've mentioned this too).

I think she's moved on already, or is. She's 17 and still learning and does not have experience or in the same emotional/relationship state-of-mind I'm in, which is why I'm so hard on myself. But I told her I'd be willing to help her but I can't be friends with her as it'd hurt me too much. Regardless, I wished her love and healing and that I'll never forget our experience and I'm learning about this for myself.

I hope this goes well...

 

[nymafin30]

Thank you so much for your response.

I sincerely appreciate your response and understanding the re...

I'm trying to get my soulmate to therapy and leave her in good hands. I believe there are soulmates destined for us, but we also have free will.

 

[monsterade]

I'm trying to get my soulmate to therapy and leave her in good hands. I believe there are soulmates...

For me, after about 4 days after dumping me, my ex started seeing this guy whom she met online (OkCupid and I saw her look at my profile and saw her not logged in during the time she started talking to him). I flipped out and cursed her out and said she made a big lie and used my accidents and trigger incidents that happened weeks prior as a way to get out. I really flipped out big time as she moved on so fast and bullshitted her way out. My friend messaged her saying what she did was a load of bs and hope she gets what she deserved and tried to manipulate my friend into believing her that I hurt her on purpose and that she said she never wanted to be with me again, and that's not true as she said maybe we can try again and work on things. My friend also said how much I was looking into her condition and to help her, and my ex eventually blocked my friend and said she doesn't want to get back together with me.

She has a complaint instagram account and she posted a pic of my messages to her so everyone could see of me saying I didn't even mean to hurt her and I was trying to get someone to walk by. And she has problems and seriously needs to wake up.

She seems pretty happy with this new guy.

She blocked me on Snapchat, and I unfollowed her on Instagram, and unfollowed her on Facebook.

I feel bad for cursing her out but she really f*cked me over for being with a new guy days after breaking up with me and acts like nothing happened between us. She deleted everything related to me and of us on her Instagram.

Should I just accept this and move on? I can't sleep anymore, I'm crying a lot, anxiety, I've gone awol on all social media, and I'm truly fighting internal demons. (She was my first true love and thought it'd last forever. And she is the epitome of my dream girl).

 

[monsterade]

For me, after about 4 days after dumping me, my ex started seeing this guy whom she met online (OkCu...

*I should also mention in her sharing of my pic on her Instagram, she tried shifting the story into saying that i believed that moving her arm and stuff was okay. And that I didn't know what I did was wrong, while I apologized profusely then and did everything I could to work on it. She still held pity and grudges towards that and said I meant to hurt her and even if it was on accident, twice is too much and I meant it. She completely manipulated and changed the story to make her be guilt free and a victim.

And I still feel at fault.