Supporter Girlfriend With Rape Trauma And Agoraphobic.

[Joseph Barren]

My name is Joe, and me and my girlfriend have been together for 4 years. She was raped by her boyfriend when she was 17. That was 12 years ago. She also has panic attacks and is agoraphobic.

When we first met, her Paxil was working and we would go out to eat and leave the house all the time. About a year and a half ago her paxil stopped working. Around the same time our little cockatiel bird Almeta passed away. I was distraught but my girlfriend was absolutely devastated, and still is. We were both coach homeless for about 3 months when we left Orlando and moved back down the St. Pete for a job offer I accepted.

Long story short, I have not been as understanding and sympathetic as I could have been with regard to her ptsd (from the rape) and her OCD thoughts, her agoraphobic ways as of the last year, and I feel our relationship is beyond repaid from things I have said out of frustration. One on the biggest points she makes is that I don't hold her when we sleep in the same bed. I'm not a big cuddler and I am very picky about my sleep. Even more so now that I work around 50-55 hours a week and need all the sleep I can get. I get frustrated when she wakes me up to cuddle, and I now I should appease her because she is only feeling lonely and needs to be held.

The icing on the cake was this month. She forgot my birthday, and I was extremely upset. Three days later was out 4th year anniversary. But in between my birthday and our anniversary, she brought up the fact that I still haven't proposed to her. (which I am only weary about due to the fact that I feel that she is not the same person as when we first met) Needless to say, the day that I took off from work to celebrate our anniversary, we got in a huge argument (over cooking bacon of all things) and the day was completely miserable.

I should have posted to this board 3 1/2 years ago when she first started to disclose to me all of her past traumas. Now, it is so near to the end and I feel hopeless as to what I can do to save our love. Some bullet points of the last 3 years as far as emotions are concerned.

-I don't cuddle with her enough
-I feel taken advantage of as if I thought I was getting one girlfriend, but ended up with another.
-I feel guilty that I don't understand her feelings or anxieties.
-I'm not good at physically communicating love and compassion.
-She then, obviously feels like I don't love her. Which is not true.
-She has not set hygiene ritual.
- Have not had consistent sex in 3 years.
-Sex is always awkward now, and I can NEVER initiate sex easily.
-I feel like a house made most days. She is constantly asking me to get things for her that she can easily get herself. i.e. water, blankets, turn off the lights, get me a lighter. She asks me to "fetch" things for her all the time and it is extremely frustrating.
-she acts as though she is bed-ridden.

I don't know what to do about us. I know that I love her. But her ptsd, OCD and agoraphobic ways are all compounding and I don't know who is who, or what action is from what disorder.

I know that this post is completely scattered and unorganized beyond belief, but I am at my wits end. How do I start a 4 years story of missed chances at 9 at night?
If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, questions for me. Please help me.

 

[gtpgurl]

Well my story is pretty much exactly the same as your girlfriends.The only real difference being that I laid myself out on the line 100 percent at the very beginning of my relationship. I told him everything, sparing the gruesome details of course.

Coming from my point of view the only thing that I can tell you is what I need from my boyfriend... I need him to be everything for me. I nee him to be my rock. I need him to be understanding and supportive of me. I need him to not get angry around me. I need him to have unlimited patience for me. I need him to be able to handle me, my emotional mood swings, my anger, my paranoid accusations at him and my inability to trust him. Basically I need truly 100% unconditional love from him.

He has been able to do all this for me and more, we have been together almost 6 years and just had her first child together and thinking about having a second. He knows I do have my rough patches and sometimes I am even asking him to bring me stupid things like you said a blanket or a pillow or whatever.Most of the time I am always trying my hardest to be the best person I can be, the best girlfriend I can be, the best mother I can be. I love them both and would do absolutely anything for them.

You need to understand that what we have to deal with in our heads is extremely extremely hard and even we don't know how to deal with it. It takes a very strong person to be able to support somebody like us the right way. If you don't think you are strong enough to be there 100 percent all the time like that for her maybe you should think about seeing your own therapist to talk about your issues with being there for her. supporters need support too.

You are a very good man for caring and trying.[DOUBLEPOST=1395799337][/DOUBLEPOST]Wow sorry that was so long LOL. I just thought maybe I could put into words for her what she might not be able to. please be gentle with her and with yourself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I urge you to seek couples counseling if you want to save this relationship. We can help you, but counseling is imperative. I urge you to seek individual counseling as well. And, she needs a trauma therapist, no if's, ands or buts. (Is she in any sort of treatment?)

Sorry if this gets long, but I have a lot to say.

In regards to your points....

"I don't cuddle with her enough". You're not a big cuddler. She knows this. I see this as a give and take issue. She needs to accept that you're not a big cuddler, and in exchange, you can make a point to cuddle with her more. I COMPLETELY understand the sleep issue. I'm picky and don't really like cuddling in bed, either. If it came down to a demanding cuddler and much needed sleep, I'd pick sleep any day. Again, give and take.

"I feel taken advantage of as if I thought I was getting one girlfriend, but ended up with another." This is very understandable. PTSD turns us into two different people. Well, at least that's what I've been told. Then again, I fight to be independent and my healing is moving in that direction, but somehow it doesn't seem that the same can be said about your girlfriend, so I understand your frustration. (Don't propose yet. She needs to heal more!)

"I feel guilty that I don't understand her feelings or anxieties." Point blank, you won't. I used to freak out ALL the time because nobody understood me. My dad would be there saying "nobody is going to understand, you need to let it go". This sounds so mean, but he was right. Nobody understands exactly what I'm going through, not even other survivors. What I strive for is acceptance and love, as these are what I truly want and need. Looking for true understanding is like smacking my head against a wall. I don't need that!

"I'm not good at physically communicating love and compassion." Well then your love language isn't through physical expression. That's ok! My primary love language is time, that is, people spending time with me. There are 5 main love languages, 5 ways you best express love, 5 ways you best feel love. They often aren't the same (mine aren't). Please read up on it. I think it could really help you.

"She has not set hygiene ritual." A lot of us don't. I mean it is a struggle when very symptomatic. Is it that she isn't taking care of herself at all, or self-hygiene is lacking? Just trying to get a better picture.

"Have not had consistent sex in 3 years." Sex is a struggle for sexual trauma survivors. I think the counselor could help with this one.

"Sex is always awkward now, and I can NEVER initiate sex easily." Same as above---a counselor could help.

"I feel like a house made most days. She is constantly asking me to get things for her that she can easily get herself. i.e. water, blankets, turn off the lights, get me a lighter. She asks me to "fetch" things for her all the time and it is extremely frustrating." One word. BOUNDARIES! You aren't a maid. Stop getting things for her. You aren't doing her any favors, and I think this may be enabling behavior.

"she acts as though she is bed-ridden." Again, stop doing things for her.

I was agoraphobic at one point. I would still be if I didn't have to leave my apartment just to survive. If I had people doing things for me, I wouldn't have pushed myself through it. I have a feeling that she isn't pushing herself to get out. The thing about agoraphobia is the longer you give in to it, the worse it gets. This may sound harsh, but I don't care if she had a panic attack just by stepping on the doormat in front of your door. She needs to fight her way through it and get out. I've been there, and yes, it sucks! Going out for a few minutes was an all day ordeal if I factored in the mental prep, the panic attack, recovery from the panic attack, going out, then coming home and crashing. (And I still needed the next day to recover.)

I think I've said enough for now. I hope this helps.

Oh, and I'm a sufferer.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hello Joseph -

First of all I rejoice at the fact that you have come here.

As a PTSD sufferer myself, and having been in relationships, I don't think that it would be unreasonable for you to meet each other half way - meaning that you learn about how to work with her issues of OCD and PTSD and that she seek help in some form for them.

I like with gtpgurl said above but it seems from what you have said that one difference between gtpgurl and your girl friend might be that your girl friend still sees herself as a victim. I know from my own experience, once one is a victim, it is really easy to stay into that role and then expand the symptoms of that role of victim. But at some point in order to go forward in one's life it is important to begin to let go of that role.

It is great that you still love her and want to help her. What gtpgurl also says is true - consistency, patience and strength are really important qualities for our partners to have as we try to deal with the world as a PTSD sufferer. And one thing I would suggest is to abandon all hope for results.

That does NOT mean abandon all hope. What I mean is to do your best to reconcile things and to work with the problems, but not to become attached to the hope for a specific result. She may be able to change and she may not no matter how hard you try. This is where, as gtpgurl says unconditional love comes in.

Here's praying that things work out between you two.

Laurie