Give Up Control - To Let People In?

[Anrish]

Getting closer to people means to trust them - and it means to give up control at the same time.

I got to know some kind people at work over the last year.

One of my worst habits is that I have always to remain in control - I just cannot give in and go with the flow easily.

My former T suggested me to drink one or two beers to relax! I have to say that I'm absolutely against that stupid suggestion.

Do you have any ideas how to relax? Do you have any tricks you use yourself?

....it's also the same when I get to know nice people. I'm not good at small talk but just in case a conversation might come up - as soon as it gets in some kind of a flow and more personal, I back off. Even with people, I've known for a longer time.

It's hard to make new contacts like that and I just don't know how to ....interrrupt that automatical reaction.

 

[BoN-bOn]

Getting closer to people means to trust them - and it means to give up control at the same time.

I got...

I don't recommend using 1 or 2 beers to relax! That's how I ended up in the mess that I'm in right now. My boyfriend of 2 years always suggested "drinking a beer" when a panic attack would hit me. Of course it worked...for a while...until I realized that there isn't enough alcohol in the world to take away the pain of past abuse in my life. I'm not sure what the answer is...I'm in the process of learning myself. I just started EMDR therapy last week, so I'm hoping that will give me some relief eventually.

 

[aut555]

Getting closer to people means to trust them - and it means to give up control at the same time.

I got...

Don't feel that being in control is an issue, to me it's a requirement that springs from prior abuse in my lifetime. But you can ease up on your control issue knowing at any time you have a right to walk away or change the channel. If you don't harm people, l don't think it's such a bad thing . In emergency situations , you actually do quite well because that switch is always on. Being controlling turns into a balancing act of when and when not to do it. Has something happened to you in your lifetime that brought this on?

 

[intothelight]

Speaking for myself, it isn't so much giving up control as it is trusting and opening up to another person. By putting time and effort into a relationship, then the trust can grow and opening up can be as gradual as the situation dictates. I tend to gravitate towards people with the same interests, whether it be dogs, classes at the gym, church group, or other groups that I am active in.

It is pretty normal to have friends that are at different levels in a relationship. I have friends that know me as closely as anyone can and then there are those that know me at a certain level based upon our common interests. It just takes time and the right people/person. Oh, I don't drink except around those I really trust because anyone else would be humiliated and horrified at my dance moves! :eek:

 

[Anrish]

@BoN-bOn : Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope the EMDR will be able to help you. I usually don't drink alcohol or not much because I'm too afraid of losing control - that is why I also changed my T after that recommendation.

@aut555 : Nothing special happened that I started thinking about it. ...due to my school history and former abuse, I just have that general problem to get in contact. Maybe it's because some people I only had contact on the phone so far...will see me in few weeks in real - and I'm kind of ...scared. Thank you for sharing. I just often think that I put people's nose out of a joint when I back off like I do.

@intothelight : Thank you very much for sharing your experiences. I don't have many places to circle. I've got work and...that's it. The rest I do alone because I'm too scared of groups. :oops: ...so it's even harder to get in contact. - I would like to see your dance moves...:p ...but I can relate to you not drinking while strangers are there.

 

[Lilith Jane]

With relaxation, for me the most helpful thing (along with therapy of course) is yoga. Essential oils are probably a close second - although yoga has taught me important skills like body awareness and focused breathing, essential oils are what I turn to at work or in other places where yoga might not be appropriate. :joyful: I have a little rollerball vial that lowers my heart rate and stress responses pretty quickly. :tup:

Regarding opening up to people . . .I think this question/subject is extremely important, and it's great that you are exploring it. Multiple things I've been reading agree saying that both trauma and healing are functions of relationships and community, so I believe it is critical for us to reevaluate how we do relationships!! So I say good for you for even asking the questions!!! :tup::tup:

You might like Brene Brown's wonderful book "Daring Greatly". It has really challenged my thinking about how/why to be vulnerable with people, and it may be useful to you as you think through the subject yourself.

 

[The Albatross]

What "control" do you/or I really have anyways? That might be worth a gander. It is illusionary and though surely a preference, it is not really a "rule" is it?

 

[Missycat]

If im going somewhere and i need/ want to relax i listen to music. I always have my 'in ear' earphones at the ready and itunes on my phone. Plus it stands out less than stood doing deep breathing exercises lol. Plus the music option is also a great conversation starter :headphone:
There is a natural supplement we have in the uk called 'rescue remedy' and you put a few drops on your tongue and it helps relax you. I used it when flying once. Im sure its available on line.
I hope the meeting of the people youve only spoken to over the phone goes well, please dont be scared im sure it will - i hope you have a good time.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I don't think it's so much giving up control. More about letting your guard down and letting people in.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have a hard time letting people in.

I can be hard to feel out of control.

My suggestion is to take baby steps.

Maybe let go/open up a tiiiiiny bit to test the waters. If all goes ok, your mind will say "that wasn't so bad, I can open up and not feel so out of control." Rinse and repeat, but don't push yourself too far all at once because that can be a recipe for disaster and actually make the situation worse.

 

[Friday]

Getting closer to people means to trust them

Does it?

I don't, usually. Trust may or may not come with time, in different areas, at different levels, in different situations, with different people. If I had to trust someone in order to get closer with someone, I would never be close to anyone! I can enjoy, like, love, even respect people I don't trust. If we take trust as a "thing". Instead of like a musical sound board. Initially, there's no trust (and ideally no mistrust). Over time it builds in this area or that area, or decreases in other areas. There are people I trust with my life, that I wouldn't trust with my kids. People I trust never to hurt me, that I don't trust to keep their mouths shut. Shrug. It's a highly variable thing in my life. I've also got trust issues in spades. But the only way to learn if anyone rates any trust, that I know of, is to get closer to them. Not the other way around.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I relate to your situation 100%, my big thing my whole life is manipulating situations, surroundings to feel safe, and so being in control all the time is something I do. And when the control is taken from me or I can't maintain it, then I fall apart and go into a crisis.