General Giving Family Members A Book About PTSD

[Mercy]

I have come to you, carers, for help and advise.

I have two daughters, 30 and 21, who are often confused by my behavior especially when one of them says something triggering. I can lash out without thinking through what I am about to say.

I leave things out to remind me of what I am doing. But Tuesday, I had to sleep over at a friends house because we had to go to a funeral the next day. It was hours away and planned for 9:30 AM. So my younger daughter put the veggies away. Yesterday morning, the pea soup tasted really bland and I couldn't figure out why-forgot that veggies exist-out of sight out of mind. She had triggered me earlier by asking if I planned to clean up the kitchen that was disgusting. BIG Trigger being wrong and having to take the punishment that went with it-rapes, beatings....Of course I apologized and said I was sorry. But she was still furious that I had wanted them to have stayed out. She thought they would go bad. I said the wrong thing, you ruined the soup.

I made her one cry yesterday. We had been watching Macy's parade on TV having a nice time. From her point of view putting carrots and celery in the fridge was helping so they wouldn't go bad. I didn't even think of that possibility.

I despise myself if I ever hurt my kids. I want to give them each a book about PTSD for family members to help them understand it. Maybe even recognize some of the way I am. Is it wrong or unhealthy for them to have me to want them to understand me better? Am just being selfish? I don't mean gory details,heavens knows they don't need to know any that. I'd like them to understand what shows, the symptoms and the way I can be one way and then another. It is understandably confusing to them especially when I can't remember something we did together.

I am in the pain of isolation. It feels like my daughters can't rely on me, propably right 50% of the time. Is it wrong to want to be undrstood by your grown children? Am I being selfish? My husband thinks I should not give them the book ever and especially at Christmas.

All comments welcome!!!

 

[Grama-Herc]

IMHO, you need to educated your children/family as much as you possibly can about the signs, triggers, etc of this miserable condition. They do not need to know WHY you have this, just that you do as the result of some things from your past.

I have spent years explaining this, or at least trying, to my elderly mother. If family understands what you might do and how to handle your reactions, then everybody is better off and hurt feelings lessen.

There is an explanation written by Anthony called the "Cup Theory", I think? I recently used it on mom to explain why all of a sudden I was so snippy with her.

The very old adage "Knowledge is Power" really does apply here.

Good Luck. :thumbs-up

 

[Paloma]

Mercy...have some mercy for yourself:wink: I am a sufferer and not a carer so I can only speak from that place. And I certainly don't pretend to know your family.

Here are my two bits. I don't know if there are books out there but a lot of resource places that service vets have booklets by various organizations on PTSD for family members. Your daughters are adult women and can take some responsibility in doing some research themselves...tons of stuff on-line. Were they ragging on you about your house? Or do they live there too? Could they have asked about the veggies being out...or you tell them why? Would notes work? I totally understand your method. My house looks like a blizzard with notes and checklists...plus putting stuff in obvious places:rofl:

OK...so you were winding up what with the holiday and funeral...kids are wound up for whatever reason. She didn't "ruin the soup", right? And you didn't "ruin" the holiday over something so minor. You were both overreacting. IMHO...you don't need to take on more baggage around this. Not a bad idea to point them in the direction of PTSD info but up to them to desire to read it and work with you for a better all round understanding.

 

[This Ends Now]

Mercy,

Yet another perspective from a fellow survivor.

I think that it is good to help them find info about PTSD and its symptoms. When family knows that there is a medical condition causing the reactions and that it is not "them" then episodes can be a little less hurtful. It can also help them be more aware of triggers since nobody likes it when we are accidentally triggered. The tricky part is how to bring it up and how much to tell. I don't think that giving them a book on PTSD for Christmas would be the best way, but something more casual might be benificial. Knowing that my mom knew that she had PTSD and was getting treatment went a long way in helping me understand things about our relationship. Having books on the topic laying around the house in places it would be convenient for them to see/read (such as the coffee table or bathroom) might let them know in a non intrusive way. If they get intersted and ask you could also be prepared to lend/give/direct them to more information. I don't know how much they already know but they are grownups and can handle at least knowing about the condition. Odds are that they probably know that something is up but don't want to bring up the topic or confront you about it. A little education might help their healing as well as your own. That being said I agree that all the gory details can be left out. If they realy want to know the details they will ask... just be prepared for any questions they might have and give an honest but gentle answer (easier said than done I realize). You have already shown a good deal of mindfulness by attempting to shield them from the worst of your symptoms and trying to make ammends when you lash out from one of your triggers. There is a fine line between being honest about PTSD and dumping your problems on others but I have a lot of faith that you can made the judgement calls on how and when to say what. Your posts have already demonstrated that you have a lot of the emotional intellegence needed to discuss these things with others on an appropriate case by case basis.

I wish you and your family the best. :Hug_emoticon:

Liz H.

 

[bonnecanyon]

Hi Mercy

I agree with Liz. I would not give them a book about ptsd for Christmas. I have a 30 year old daughter that I struggle with. In fact she may have ptsd also. This is a subject that needs to be addressed more personally with your daughters and on an ongoing basis - maybe go to counseling together. Or ask them if they would like more information about ptsd and see what their response is.

Hope that helps,
BC

 

[helena]

Hi Mercy,

I'm a carer and I am in the strange, unenviable position of having to pretend I know less than I do (I come to this site in secret) and I have to gauge how much information I feedback to my sufferer because he rarely wants to talk about it.

I have also come to realise that my own father probably has ptsd - the behaviour, the rages, depression all indicate why as a child I walked on eggshells and was, quite frankly, terrified of his mood swings. He was a prisoner of war and suffered very badly so it... figures, now but we had a whole lifetime wasted because of ignorance.

So, yes, I wish he (or anyone) had given me a book. I could not have talked to him about this and he could not have told me, but I could have read a book and understood and maybe saved a lot of pain and misery.

Not sure about giving it at Christmas though... maybe the New Year? lol

 

[bonnecanyon]

I think I was putting my own fears in the way there - :doh:

I am always worried about pushing my daughter away. So my approach to her would be very gentle.

Information and knowledge is a good thing - so defintely start sharing what ptsd is and how it affects you.

BC

 

[Mercy]

Thanks for all your thoughts and suggestions. A book for a Christmas gift is definitely out. Thanks. Living in separate worlds is hard when we all just want to be accepted and loved, my girls and me. I wish....but maybe this kind of isolation is necessary.

 

[kers]

It feels like my daughters can't rely on me, propably right 50% of the time. Is it wrong to want to be undrstood by your grown children?

I think your daughters probably have a lot of feelings about your PTSD and a lot of questions. If you were able to talk with them about how you feel--your sadness at not being all there, your explanations of getting triggered--it might open things up between you. Do you see a therapist? A family session or two might be really helpful for all of you in getting the unspoken out on the table.

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Mercy

I am sorry I am late responding but have been taking a bit of a break from the forum.

My view is this....you need to tell people as much as they need to know but give them the opportunity to learn more. I would also share with them what they can help you with. It takes courage to ask for help. Example might be that you forget things so you can ask your daughters to remind you of important things. Break it down into simple things. Letting them know you forget things can also help with them accepting that you letting them down is illness related or not personal. Try and look at their problems and explain to them what happens to you and why you do that in relation to your illness so it no longer becomes 'mum is letting us down' and instead it is 'mum must be sick again as she let us down' if you get the idea.

I would then leave the books 'around' on the coffee table etc so that if your daughters are interested they can pick up the books and read out of their own desire to learn more. Anthony gave me a book to read "I Can't Get Over It" but it was too heavy. He now has PTSD for Dummies and I have skimmed the pages of it. It is really hard understanding PTSD and the connotations of a mental illness are not nice either so some may be embarrassed to ask others about your illness.

 

[ISupportHer]

OK, my 2 cents worth.

I think that having books a resources are important. I know a few for spouses/partners buy nothing specific for other family. The ones I refer to I would never ask my daughters to read. Well for PTSD. I do have one for family memebers with a depressed loved one.

Although I think it is important for a sufferer to have face to face communication, sometimes emotions and responses get in the way. Being able to sit down privately and look for resources, answers is a good thing in my opinion. Some should be required, LOL.

Now, when someone is able to receive the message, be open to reading is another topic entirely!

ISH

 

[Mercy]

Thank you all for you suggestions. I can't afford any therapy now a days. I think family therapy would be a good thing IF they would go.

My girls and I can't seem to sit down and talk any of this through. One says I don't want to hear it and walks out. She thinks I am trying to make excuses. She hates it when I put myself in the victim place. ..Not too sure what she means by that. That format has not worked well for any of us. My younger daughter is tender hearted but still mostly self-centered as is right for her age. She maybe even a bit late in moving into adulthood.

Sorry GTG:stupid: