Dom Violence Giving Love Relationships Another Try

[therapybankrupt]

Do I do too little? Too much? Enough? What will he do? Is what he's doing too little? Too much? Enough? What do I want? Right now? I hardly ever have any answers

prime-no I do not know if anyone has all the answers. It is my opinion it should not be that difficult to have to be asking all these questions. It is possible that this world has no room for trust and that just being in the moment and being yourself is not good enough anymore? I have not had a relationship in eight years. I am scared and as nicolette said what are we willing to give up?

they should respect all of who I am

Is respect not part of love? Did you know I asked my therapist what does love feel like. I was told it is not an emotion. I am very confused myself. I hold on to the fairy tale when I am lonely. I am doing fine on my own I just want someone to add to my life experience. Someone I enjoy to do things with. Some one I can be me with without all those questions. I hope you find your respect and can be happy prime-no.

 

[Nebulustrix]

I don't believe in "happily ever after" anymore, and I'm not refering to marriage, but rather to the dream (which it really was) of being together "forever".

I find this interesting, because I also no longer believe in "happily ever after", but have taken it to mean something quite different from what you've described. I DO believe in "forever". I just don't believe there is anyone out there I'm "meant" to be with - someone where everything will just fall together perfectly because we are "soul mates".

I did believe in this when I met my ex. I believed in the fairy tale happily ever after, and thought that he was my soul mate. I opened myself up to him and gave him everything, and that open, giving, trust was utterly broken. It took me awhile to leave, because I thought I HAD to make it work- because he was who I was meant to be with.

Now, I no longer believe in soul mates, but I do believe it is possible to find someone with whom I can commit myself to forever, but that this forever won't be easy. To me, marriage is meant to be a commitment recognizing that people will change, but being willing to choose to remain faithful to that one person forever, no matter what changes may come. Because love is a choice.

Did you know I asked my therapist what does love feel like. I was told it is not an emotion.

therapybankrupt- Your therapist is right. Love is NOT an emotion. There is lust, infatuation, happiness, joy, satisfaction, etc - all of which are feelings/emotions that can be part of a relationship. That head-over-heels feeling people usually get at the start of a relationship is infatuation, and this can lead to lust, and if those feelings are tempered and the relationship developed in a healthy way, satisfaction, happiness, and eventually joy can follow.

But in order for this to happen, both people have to choose to love each other. This is a choice, an action, not an emotion or feeling. It is a commitment and a sacrifice to give time, energy, attention, affection, etc to another without expecting anything in return. It is not getting what you want out of a relationship, but giving to the other what they need in a relationship.

To really love someone requires opening yourself up completely, making yourself vulnerable, and focus on fulfilling another person's needs instead of your own. It is an ultimate charitable sacrifice. I think this is a large part of why I am having a hard time with getting another relationship going. I can't open up enough to give of myself in this way, because I cannot trust anyone enough to not take advantage of my vulnerability, or not balance my giving.

 

[JustBe]

Vulnerable. That is something that terrifies me. I am safe now. No need to rock the boat.

 

[Nicolette]

I have found an answer for myself and it has made some things more clear to me.

Excellent!

Meanwhile, I have come to realize that people do change. Sometimes it's illness, sometimes it's just life, sometimes it's just that they want something they didn't want before and that pops out of nowhere... There are so many variables in the mix of life, that nobody, including me, can know or control what will happen.

So true and yet so conflicting in essence of what we struggle with as the memories can never be forgotten so no amount of change in a person can undo what has been done.

Now it's one step at a time and take it from there.

That's all we all can really do - with our eyes and minds as wide open as possible IMO.

I think the term respect expresses best what I believe to be the most important for a healthy relationship.

I agree with this as there are times throughout a relationship where you may not love your partner as much as other days but as long as you are friends and have respect for each other there is a reduced risk of anyone being hurt. People do go up and down in the amount of love they have for a person and it is not unusual that one person falls out of love with the other for brief periods during a relationship and all is well unless both fall out of love at the same time.

To me, marriage is meant to be a commitment recognizing that people will change, but being willing to choose to remain faithful to that one person forever, no matter what changes may come. Because love is a choice.

I agree. I think the problems generally occur when people don't acknowledge a person changing, try to stifle it or the change is in a totally opposite direction. That can happen. As long as a couple grow and move together then they stand a chance at a good and healthy long term relationship IMO.