Giving Up

[Thinkingman85]

This is more of a philosophical question, but I notice something that has to be discussed. Six years ago, I had a breakdown. I couldn't handle the stress from my drug addict brother and the death of my father. I fought as hard as I could to not give up. However, my depression became so strong that I started to ponder ending my life. After a couple months, I couldn't take life anymore and I gave up. I can't describe how I did it, but I'm pretty sure that I did. I remember throwing away my memorabilia and willfully trying to throw my life away so I never could recover.

There is the saying "never give up" and I think I did. For a long time I have felt like I have turned my back on life and it will not accept me back into it. The Secret explains that whatever you give out into the universe it is returned. I feel like I gave up on the universe and the universe has given up on me. For example, I remember having subconscious desires to get things which would make me feel good. Usually, these desires would easily be fulfilled and the universe would answer. After I gave up, these desires to get things have been cut short and the universe leaves me empty-handed. For example, I could go to the grocery store and desire to get a healthy drink. Ironically, those drinks would not be in stock. Or, I would have the desire to click on a link and my computer would freeze. I know that this sounds absurd and it can be viewed as coincidence but it ALWAYS happens when I try to live outside of my pain or feel good by belonging in the universe. The universe used to reward me. Now, I'm being punished. That is how I feel.

I usually think that I'm segregated from the good part of the universe now. That's the best way I can describe it. Does anyone else go through this phenomenon? These occurences have left me feeling depressed and hopelessly doubtful that I'll ever get better.

 

[rightkindofme]

When I am in a self-hating phase I can find reasons to believe that the entire universe is punishing me. When I change my frame of mine (chemical soup is weird) then all of a sudden that stops happening.

Happiness is a state of mind, not a circumstance. The computer not working can be a sign that the universe hates you or it could be an extra second of pause and relax because you aren't stressed. Perception is everything.

Which is to say that I spend a lot of time crying because the whole universe hates me. Ha.

 

[quic]

If the Secret is something that you relate to and connect with then there are other authors you might find helpful. I loved the Secret, but found it to be somewhat incomplete. You may find an answer to your question about the universe punishing you in a book like "The Vortex" by Esther and Jerry Hicks. Esther and Jerry also have a lot of videos on youtube. They are a little non-traditional, but some great insights. Best wishes, you are on the right track.

 

[Hashi]

I think there are two level to it.

I agree - but only up to a point - with the sort of things that The Secret and Esther/Jerry Hicks say. Up to a point, what we focus on is what we attract. To take an untrue example, if I think that all women with red hair are nasty, and I think about that a lot, chances are I'm going to come across a number of nasty red-headed women. This translates to a lot of other things too.

I think there's also an element of some things being beyond what we manifest with our thoughts. Something bigger arranges them.

I think when we feel the universe has given up on us, or it isn't on our side, is when adversity happens. As trauma survivors, that can be truly terrible adversity. But really I don't think the universe gives up on us. The universe helps us through adversity. (Why we have to go through it at all is a whole other discussion.)

So the drinks being there or not being there when you went to the shop - yes, I would probably attribute that to my thinking and what I was putting out there.

Bigger things, I think, are more complex. I just can't agree with Esther Hicks about why trauma happens. I won't go into that here because it's off topic, except to say that I think it's good to be careful of these kinds of ideas and what their implications are. If one implication is that the universe gives up on you if you give up on it, then I disagree wth that too. Only we can ever cut ourselves off. I don't believe the universe ever does that.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Good points. My way of living for the past couple years has been to give into my passions. By doing this, I would give into anger and it has hindered my ability to be social. It seems like I don't fit in the universe while other people do. I realized that their thought processes are different from mine. It is like a sheep mentality that I have to become attuned to. I used to be, but when I started thinking for myself conforming wasn't a requirement. That may be why I think the universe is against me... Because I have become out of touch with thinking like how the group does. So, I am relaxing my mind, exercising, eating healthy, and doing anything that will keep me away from my restraining emotions. I used to think that my anger was good, but it has hurt me a lot.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

know that this sounds absurd and it can be viewed as coincidence but it ALWAYS happens when I try to live outside of my pain or feel good by belonging in the universe.

I have times where this happens, too. For example, I have days where absolutely everything I touch seems to fall down, break, freeze. I also seem to experience more accidents (walking into things, falling down). So I don't think it's absurd, it's probably about energy and being out of sync with everything around you, which I imagine you could experience as disconnectedness from the universe.

I believe you can be out of sync with the universe for a while, but not completely and 'forever'. I read a quote somewhere that says "there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally" (by don miguel ruiz) and I think this also helps put it in perspective. Bad things happen, try to let go of them, and not hang on to the negative feeling of being punished because it will perpetuate itself.

Believe me, the universe can't kick you out. I may sound incredibly hippie and new age saying this, but the universe is inside you, all you have to do is reconnect with it, when you are ready for it. Actually sometimes I think PTSD people are capable to be more in touch with the universe, more in touch with reality, because they have faced reality as it can be in its crudest forms. People tend to wander around quite disconnected from their emotions, not quite alive.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Radise, I agree with what you said. When you say to give it time and not hold on to negative feelings, I have been doing this for six years. It just seems like I can't fit in with my home city. Sometimes, I think that I'm just too much for it and that is why I don't feel like I belong in the universe 100%. Not trying to brag, but I'm college educated and liberal minded and I live in one of the poorest, uneducated, and unhealthy states... West Virginia. It might be that the environment is lacking something that I need to grow as a person and that is why I feel cut off... sort of like being trapped in a jar or reaching a dead end. It's like I want to express myself completely, but there is an invisible force from the environment that keeps me contained. When I associate with people, it's like I have to contain myself or they wouldn't be able to keep up. My friends have told me that I'm too intelligent for the city and that is why I can't find peace here. It's just very confusing because I used to feel like I belonged but now I don't. A good sense of certainty is all I want.

Maybe you're right. It could be that I'm connected with a deeper reality and people can't handle it.