heavenofcalyx
New Here
I've been playing the avoidance game for a while now. I'm not officially diagnosed but I definitely have the symptoms. I have good days, really good days. Then something is said in front of me or I read something that's triggery, and I go into a fit of rage. I'm still dealing with a lot of anger and pain issues. I sometimes have problems sleeping, or I'll wake up and go into rants for hours on end that leave me pissed and in tears.
I'm really tired of pretending that I'm okay. I go to work, I deal with friends, I deal with family, and constantly play the pretend game. I don't have anyone whom I feel I can talk to and on most days I just work shit out in my head or write as my catharsis.
I'm not really sure what to say about my situation or what I feel comfortable saying except that I have been through date rape, my best friend sexually assaulting me, and both traumas aggravating memories from a past abusive relationship. There's a lot. I used to think that the problem was me, I was just so f*cked up that I attracted all of this to me, because how does it happen more than once? What makes matters worse was that the friend knew what had happened to me. He had been my bodyguard at parties and confidante, and turned out to be no better than them.
I've considered therapy, if nothing else just to talk, but can't afford it right now. :( I did get a recommendation from a friend who sees one for similar issues and she sounds like she would be very ideal for someone with my background to talk to and am hoping at some point to have both the time and the money to do this. I just got out of a job where they were working me 10-12 hour days on a regular basis and I had no time to do anything at all.
I'll probably mostly lurk on here, but it's comforting to know there's an outlet online where I'm not alone. Thank you.
I'm really tired of pretending that I'm okay. I go to work, I deal with friends, I deal with family, and constantly play the pretend game. I don't have anyone whom I feel I can talk to and on most days I just work shit out in my head or write as my catharsis.
I'm not really sure what to say about my situation or what I feel comfortable saying except that I have been through date rape, my best friend sexually assaulting me, and both traumas aggravating memories from a past abusive relationship. There's a lot. I used to think that the problem was me, I was just so f*cked up that I attracted all of this to me, because how does it happen more than once? What makes matters worse was that the friend knew what had happened to me. He had been my bodyguard at parties and confidante, and turned out to be no better than them.
I've considered therapy, if nothing else just to talk, but can't afford it right now. :( I did get a recommendation from a friend who sees one for similar issues and she sounds like she would be very ideal for someone with my background to talk to and am hoping at some point to have both the time and the money to do this. I just got out of a job where they were working me 10-12 hour days on a regular basis and I had no time to do anything at all.
I'll probably mostly lurk on here, but it's comforting to know there's an outlet online where I'm not alone. Thank you.
