Glad To Have Found People Just Like Me

[chasing_absolution]

For years I have thought I must be crazy and have tried to hide what I saw in myself from everyone in my life. Until I couldn't anymore and my problems overtook my life. I thought I was the only one who could feel this way and act this way. Crazy sleep patterns, getting lost in the painful past, scared to go out of my house and even answer the phone. Isolating myself from pretty much everyone but my kids, and close family. My rituals for dealing with stress and anxiety that seem so odd and ridiculous to others and feel so safe to me. Dreams of moving forward but so stuck in the past I am paralyzed. My shame makes me feel inferior to everyone, stopping me from even thinking about attempting change. I have my rollercoaster rides of emotions...some days (or random moments inside a day depending on how crazy the day is) I'm feeling I can beat this and then deflated ambition the next (or maybe an hour later I feel it). Panic attacks in the grocery store because I might meet someone I know, talking to strangers is painful but preferrable to seeing someone I know. The constant feeling of knowing I am a fraud in my own life. Pretending to be someone I am not to those who think they know me best, when I don't even know myself. Feeling like I am NOTHING but a big glob of messy pain.

I am so sorry that there are so many people that feel this same way, but I am grateful to know that I am NOT ALONE. I am at the beginning of my journey to try to be something close to functional in my own life again and I am grateful to have found this site and be able to read what is posted here and pray that it will help me in this journey.

 

[Marie E.]

What you wrote sounds like poetry to me and reaches my heart. I hope you find plenty of support here. I've felt similar to you and it took years for me to reach out. I pray for your journey as well. Feel free to talk with me. Of course you are not alone.