Sufferer Going Down The Rabbit Hole

[slb]

Hi! I'm new to the group but not new to PTSD. Long story short I was in a long term marriage that was with an extremely abusive narcissist. I am 8 years free and I use that term loosely because he has stalked me, turned my children against me, I can't work because of the physical damage incurred by him so continual financial abuse, etc. All these things have occurred since I left! He believes he is above the law and therefore does not follow Court Orders whatsoever. Everytime I try and think positive and plan a future for myself he starts his shenanigans again!!! I was forced to live in hiding so I don't go anywhere, don't do anything, I only go to therapy. I feel myself going down that rabbit hole again and I am not sure if I even want to stop it... I am tired...he will NEVER stop until one of us dies (with the stress I'm certain it will be me)... I have no purpose... I haven't seen my children in 4 years and we were inseparable. They are adults and they chose to listen to the lies... I chose the high road and didn't tell them anything other than what they saw. I'm just spiraling and not sure I care...

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum. :hug:

Do you have the option of moving away? Getting away from him?

 

[slb]

Thanks for the response. I am in hiding but am "stuck" because he controls me financially still. My limited family helped all they could which I am forever grateful! Since this post I filed Contempt Charges. It's only going to get worse from here. I'm not sleeping because of the nightmares so doc increased my PTSD meds at night which helps but I have migraines every day from the neck injury sustained by my ex-husband. He already wants me dead and sending him to jail will only fuel his fire... I had no choice though...he has zero regard for the law. I will be on the streets in a matter of weeks if I didn't do this...thus the added stress. I truly believed when I got out, worked on myself for a while I would be able to turn a negative into a positive and I did!! I helped many survivors and others just getting out. Now I feel like I am drowning and can't even help myself...

 

[Ka-9]

Welcome & glad that you are here, hopefully you can get some much needed support, and maybe some strategies from other's who escaped abusive relationships.

 

[Suzan Richelle]

Welcome & glad that you are here, hopefully you can get some much needed support, and maybe some strategie...

Thank you! I've been out 8 years. He has continued to stalk me and harass me. The Courts are useless!! I'm in protection in a a State program because they deemed my life at risk. That just angered my ex-husband more not knowing where I was!! So his only thing left is financial abuse. NO cure for that!! His physical abuse left me unable to work. I have tapped all resources possible but they aren't enough to survive on. I am 55 and living on less than when I was 19! Only now I have the health issues he left me with!
I'm standing up for myself and filing charges for his not paying me what the court has ordered. He never paid for the violence because the police threw the report in the trash and never filed it!!! I filed charges before and he was found guilty of "Contempt" not following Court Orders. I had 20+ charges which would be 5 days in jail for each. I gave him a pass in lieu the Judge giving him a stern talking to because I didn't want to hurt my children. An hour later he called both my children - made up lies and turned them against me. I have NOTHING to loose now!! He IS going to jail though I only have 2 charges. It will anger him more and he likely will start searching for me again. He has the money...he stole my retirement, embezzled our business, etc... Not even sure why I am fighting except I don't want him to win... I am about a month from being on the streets.... But I will see him in jail first!

 

[Enaila]

Have you seen those APP's which can be downloaded onto a phone and record, as well as dial whoever you have programmed into them, in case of assault? Maybe at least having one on the phone will help some in case of emergency. If you haven't yet, meet with the women's coalition or whoever is in your town/state for battered women. They may be able to assist with protection, housing, and helping you get steps in place so you do not have to depend on him for anything. I know they were efficient in helping me get to a safe place and had other resources to help me get started on my own if I needed it. Reach out for assistance and be open to the help. If you aren't already, getting a good therapist helps. There are some who work on a sliding pay scale and they will also help you with emotional support and resource recommendations.

 

[Suzan Richelle]

Have you seen those APP's which can be downloaded onto a phone and record, as well as dial whoever you h...

Thanks for your response I truly appreciate anything! I am in therapy because I am on permanent disability. I have Medicare but I still have to pay for a supplement policy. I've sunk to rock bottom and have MediCal so they pay for my Medicare and for my prescription policy. I still have to pay a copay for the prescriptions. I get food stamps but things like toilet paper and shampoo aren't necessities! Crazy I know! As for housing I've been on a waiting list for affordable housing for about 4 years. The minimum wait here is estimated to be over 10 years!!! I had a disconnect utilities but they are phasing out that program. I've sold everything I have of any value.
I used what I had left on my children before he turned them against me. I don't mean buying things but making them their favorite meals, etc. I am tapped out of ideas! They don't have resources or desire to help someone that has been out for a period of time. It's a huge lapse in the system!!! You can get immediate help to get on your feet but after that bye bye!!! I tried last year just to get an advocate or anyone to go to court with me and was refused by EVERY agency! I even called the DV Hotline and they made calls on my behalf and they too got turned down!! They felt horrible and were shocked!!

 

[Suzan Richelle]

Have you seen those APP's which can be downloaded onto a phone and record, as well as dial whoever you h...

Btw yes I am familiar with the App you are referring to!

 

[Enaila]

I wonder if there are any special advocates who could bring some publicity to the plight of women and domestic violence. I know there are shows and some places have contact news channels which do specials. Maybe he would be less likely to do something if some publicity on the matter. It is frustrating the silence and lack of help domestic violence victims have...no matter what gender or age.

 

[Suzan Richelle]

I wonder if there are any special advocates who could bring some publicity to the plight of women and do...

I completely agree! I am friends with people that have produced the documentary "Private Violence". If you aren't familiar it is a story about an advocate and survivors. They don't have suggestions as they too agree there is a lapse in this area. I have another friend who is a who knows the who's who but she is in the same position as me and is tired of fighting so many years and I am getting there. I had grand ideas of how I was going to change the world. I wasn't going to let what happened to me destroy me. I did use it for many years to help others until it beat me down. I think things have changed somewhat but nothing has changed for those of us that DID survive but we're left unable to work. Sink or swim! I'm drowning....

 

[Enaila]

I haven't seen the documentary, but agree with you something more needs done to help the abused. ((Hugs)) Hang in there. There is some good in the world as tough as it is to see it sometimes. Trust me, I understand how hard it is to just not give up. I'm struggling, myself, with trauma memories from an abusive husband.

 

[Suzan Richelle]

I haven't seen the documentary, but agree with you something more needs done to help the abused. ((Hugs)...

I didn't mean to ignore you but I didn't get notification. I'm sorry you too are going through this {{{hugs}}}