I've never found guided meditation helpful Amethist but thanks for the suggestion.:tup: I will take my IPod in with me and will probably listen to some strong Metallica which always seems to help. :D
Just trying to make you smile a bit. Hope it doesn't backfire...
I love anything that can make me laugh Prime so thanks for sharing. ;)
Not to be too nosey, but did things go OK yesterday? Get a scheduled date yet?
Not nosy ISH, I'm glad you asked. I found out I had to have a colonoscopy as well as the gastroscopy and an ultrasound. This will take place on the 14th September. I was so triggered that I burst into tears but when I explained my trauma the doctor was shocked. It has taken me a few days to deal with the 'numb' feeling and tackle my emotions. I almost dissociated but fought it. I can refuse the procedure but that wouldn't be wise with my family history.
Dearest NH, thank you so much for your continued support. I won't have internet acces either but I will remember that you are there. x
Thanks Gizmo, you are so sweet to be thinking of me. x
I haven't read what your exact trauma is
Hi Nicolette.
My Trauma's are complex resulting from a childhood of constant bullying, physical and psychological abuse and a serious sexual assault when I was 16. I was bullied at college and elsewhere by students and staff. I left home at 18 and moved hundreds of miles away to get a fresh start but it didn't happen. I was bullied by 2 of my fellow students and was placed on a medical ward in my 3rd year where the Sister in charge bullied me horribly.
I could never do anything right for her. I was at a back door of the hospital when a man jumped from the 6th floor. He landed at my feet - he was her patient and she was hysterical. I don't think she ever forgave me for being so calm and not allowing her to move the body. I watched a woman bleed to death and comforted her as she died. I have seen so many horrible deaths.
She accused me all the time and then one evening I was on duty with her, a young student and a care assistant when an elderly man arrested. It was during visiting time and we had to move fast. We tried everything, his body was horrific. He died and she accused me of killing him, that it was my fault, that I was incompetent. I just thought, 'Oh God, I have just killed someone,' and I believed her. Turns out she thought he was having an asthma attack but he was having a heart attack. She left me in charge and she left! The emergency team came. She had said I didn't get enough air into him, that I had the breathing apparatus all wrong. As it happened it did not matter if I did or not seen as the emergency team that came could not intubate him as he had choked on his own vomit! But I never could shake that guilt until I had EMDR recently.
I had a 'break down' shortly after but this was the 1980's and PTSD was not understood if heard of in the UK and I wasn't diagnosed until 8 years ago. I moved to my local hospital when I qualified. (I never got a bad report except from her and was top of my class in everything). I became senior staff nurse on children's surgery but the sister again bullied me and another staff nurse and eventually I had enough, left work, got married and went into hiding.
I'm just emerging now.
I hope this helps to explain why I am not good around hospitals. x