Going On A Trip

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am going on a 4 day trip starting later today. I have been so excited about this trip. I have also been in a calmer place in the last week and a half or so. It's been nice actually.

Now, after something I heard as part of a sermon in church (basically some biblical history that I believe, but it apparently caused problems internally with parts (DID)). I just kept spiraling out of control after that. I could control my reactions to certain events or things people said. I barely kept one of my parts at bay from fully blasting my kids and my father-in-law with her anger (which wouldn't mean hurting them physically, just a lot of angry words- some justified, some an over-reaction).

My children have been telling me for 2 weeks (since I told them I was going) that they don't want me to leave. My older one especially has been clinging to me and saying don't go. I feel like I am letting them down by leaving for a fun trip and that I am completely being selfish. I also know that they don't completely trust the trip will only be 4 days because I've had hospitalizations in the past and in-patient treatment that has lasted longer than expected.

And then came the moment of clarity yesterday evening when I just knew I wasn't coming back from this trip. That panic attack is because it's fall. My body is holding onto flashbacks and anticipatory anxiety that the car accident 4 years ago will happen again. And since I am already overwhelmed with emotions, I am positive that I am going to die and not come back.

Yet, I am still planning to go and I hope everything goes smoothly, but I am scared. Scared of not making it back and scared of having meltdowns while on the trip. I have been looking for this to be fun and am trying to channel that thought into my brain and reel my thoughts in. If anyone wants to chime in with reassurance or similar experiences, I wouldn't argue with that.

 

[scout86]

It can be really cool to look back on all those feelings, after the dust settles and it becomes clear that nothing bad happened, in spite of them. Taking the trip is a good chance to prove to yourself, and all the parts, that the information that caused the panic was outdated and not accurate. Have fun!!!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Taking the trip is a good chance to prove to yourself, and all the parts, that the information that caused the panic was outdated and not accurate

That is such a good idea. I think I will make sure to journal with parts about that. Thank you! I made it to my friend's house safely. I drove for about 5.5 hours all alone in the car. That's the longest I have driven since my car accident almost 4 years ago. I used to love driving. Today wasn't bad. But I think the overall trip is a good way to prove that the panic from yesterday is not accurate for today. Also, taking a trip like this can prove to younger parts that it's not the past because we couldn't do this in the past. You have got me thinking about this in lots of perspectives. I always appreciate hearing from you, @scout86 , thanks.

 

[scout86]

I drove for about 5.5 hours all alone in the car.

That sounds huge! I'm proud of you and all those frightened younger parts. I hope the rest of the trip is fun. Be sure to let us know how things go. :hug:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Made it to the event and back (it was a four hour trip each way). I didn't drive, but being a passenger is even harder, but it went well. Headed back home tomorrow. It will have been 4 days in cars, but I have been able to enjoy myself. Used my new sound muffling headphones yesterday at the event my friend and I went to and they worked really well at blocking out a lot of the pre-event crowd noise and I could still talk with my friend. A bit dissociated today, but still hanging in there.

 

[seedling]

Nice!
A step out into life!
Have you been in touch with your kids? How are they doing?
This will replace old thinking for them too, to see you going and returning:)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I haven't really been in touch with my kids, but I did leave them a message when I left and sent a text to my husband of me blowing them kisses last night.

This will replace old thinking for them too, to see you going and returning

I hope that will help them with that as well.

 

[scout86]

I hope the trip home goes as well as the rest has! Good going! (Something to post as an accomplishment?) :)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Made it back yesterday!

 

[scout86]

Good for you! I'll bet your kids were glad to see you. How did it go? I'm sure this stuff gets easier with practice, but this seems like a big step.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

It was a huge step for me and since it went well, it's even better. I have a ton of other trauma stuff to work on, but it feels good to be making progress with being in a car for long periods of time.

I'll bet your kids were glad to see you.

So since I had my aunt and cousin over and my cousin had her fabulous 16 month old golden retriever here, my husband and my younger son went right for the dog (mainly because they knew the company wasn't staying much longer at that point). Our neighbor's child was outside when my family arrived home so my older son immediately asked to go out and play with him. A bit of a let down for a homecoming, but they were glad I was home. My oldest made sure when I put him to bed that I wasn't going on any more trips and I told him I wasn't planning on it for quite some time. Hopefully, the next trip will be a family trip to Disney with my parents and my brother's family. Talk about testing your limits out- I'll have to plan carefully for that trip though since the people and the venue will be harder for my parts. Anyway, thanks for cheering me on on this trip!