S
SheCptsd
Hi There,
So, I think this describes me somewhat in my own relationship so I'll comment...
This may not directly relate to the supporters original post but, I felt inspired to write regarding the breakups/backtogethers and also stick my little toe in the water here on the blogs with my first post.
In my scenenario I'm the woman (with cptsd) and my guy would be the supporter.
He and I are both new at this cptsd thing and investigating its relevance to me... if I have or do not have cptsd... although it's probably been a part of my life as long as I can remember.
Relating to my general relationship inability to stick with it... my "supporter" says if I "don't dump him daily it's going well" with us. So, that is how often this occurs with us. Almost daily. Going a week for us without me flipping out and wanting to move seems like a pipe dream.
How cptsd affects my relationship is really the only reason I'm here. CPTSD and I are old friends... but, not the good kind of friends... that is, the kind of friends you made in highschool but, now you are forty with a job and really wondering why this loser friend is still on the sofa. I'm used to the worst traits of my loser friend yet, my partner is less excited about having them visit our home and steal our stuff. I'd probably keep my old loser friends if it was just me... its not just me.
PTSD is a loser friend that seems to really have your back in a fight; but, also ruins your life, steals your boyfriend, empties your bank account, drinks all the booze, keeps you up every night, forgets to flush...
If only unfriending was easy with PTSD
Just a shout out for myself as the "bad" one doing the constant dumping here... its hard on me too. Really hard. Not just for him as the supporter but, its hard feeling like I need something from him I just can't get emotionally. Sometimes its hard to know what I should be entitled to get from him in a "healthy" relationship and what I should be getting from myself if I didn't feel so unsafe all the time because of cptsd. Its also hard because burning rage takes energy. I feel like I ran to hell and back daily. I think the stress will kill me soon.
He says life doesn't have to be so hard. I think life is a fight to survive; daily.
With that said, my boyfriend is extremely patient with me and never raises his voice or is mean to me despite my being so difficult with my acting out and the things I say/do regularly.
This is good because if he did raise his voice to me we would have a level 10 problem. I cannot tolerate any loud male voices at all in my home or near me in specific ways that make me uncomfortable; it causes a severe, severe reaction. Ironically, I am angry and raise my voice often but, I'm not even going to go into how messed up that is. Nowhere here am I claiming this is "fair" at all for the supporters. So, In my unfair world, I raise my voice at him as I lose control of myself, he cannot raise his voice at me... raised voices in my presense and then WWIII would probably occur. Im fine escalating anything 10 times wherever it's at in any situation with anybody or if I may feel threatened in any way; minor or major. You want to be at a 2 then I will be at a 12, you take it to 20, fine, I will be at 200... Its how I've lived for a LONG time. I seem like a nice, normal, accomodating person... I am fun and chatty... until someone hits a nerve. I have a partner who is fine at 2 all the time and is not combative at all however, is fine being argumentative or having WAY TOO LENGTHY discussions about things that frustrate me/annoy me. Not fair to him but, I couldn't be with a level 20 partner as we would have extreme fights that would probably escalate to violence. I hope that makes sense to someone. P.S. may I remind you I am a WOMAN? I seriously don't care who is standing in front of me. When I am in a rage it doesn't matter. And I just look like a normal chick you could be standing next to at the grocery store... until I lose it because some A-Hole is parking in the wheelchair spot. Do not even get me started on that...
Our main relationship problem... well, is probably that I have cptsd but, secondly would be that I find him critical, negative and invalidating and it upsets me daily and makes me feel bad about myself... possibly because of personal sensitivity.
I can relate to the original poster as after a flare-up and break up or attempted break-up with my guy, I am often back to wanting to plan the garden, get married, live happily ever after... just a few hours or days after saying I'm moving out, going to burn his stuff, smashing his Amazon delivery... whatever crazy nonsense I went through in that moment.
I think it may boil down to simply NOT being myself in that moment. I literally go insane. When I return to sanity I return to myself, my life, my garden... my boyfriend I feel normal again.
So... How I feel inside as things transpire during an argument with my "better half"...
It usually goes like this:
He says or does something I don't like... he can be an incredibly frustrating person (to me) at times as we are very VERY different but, when I am in a rational mindset I at the very least know he is a good person with good intentions so, by saying he does "something I don't like" I mean I realize its nothing big like a crime, cheating, getting online and looking at chicks way hotter than me... none of that real 'problem' stuff... but more like he makes a condescending comment, a rude comment, uses a rude tone, is NOT listening to me in a way that makes me feel validated., is not thoughtful... whatever... something that happens in lots of relationships probably.
I can identify these as petty relationship things AFTER the fact. NOT AT ALL during the flare-up. During a flare up I am fine to die over it.
He says something I dont like... We go back and forth a couple times as he aggrevates me more like a 'normal couple' might argue... and then after some imperceptible tipping point I literally feel like my brain is leaving my body and I am being transported into insanity. Like, I literally go involuntarily insane.
Over something that a normal person might determine is completely inconsequential, I start to involuntarily loose my mind. A normal person could reason in their mind "he is a good person, he has good intentions, he cares about me, he is just being a dufus right now"... In that moment I am completely incapable of reason and start to go crazy.
I think this is around the time I start to get that look that others have referenced as "psychotic"...
I start to see him as an enemy.
He is literally the ENEMY to me in that moment. Its like my brain is saying THREAT ENEMY THREAT ENEMY THREAT...
WORST ENEMY
My body is going crazy fast... blood pressure, panic whatever. It is a fight or flight response. I start saying crazy stuff that sometimes I recall, sometimes I feel like I am just blurting out words that make no sense.
(Don't forget I am still talking about a boyfriend who didn't pick up the dog poop, didn't give me his full attention when I was talking (or whatever) and I am not talking about a reall issue worth dying over.
I literally do not care about ANYTHING at that time. Nothing. I am completely in an involuntary panic like my life is being threatened and I am willing to die, loose everything, leave my home, set fires, whatever needs to be done in THAT MOMENT to save myself (or whoever else around me in a different scenario)... and this is over whatever THREAT I have perceived.
And its the dog poop.
Not kidding here. Dog poop.
I easily flare with anger over a variety of things in the relationship... this is probably due to long term circumstances that were severe and outside of my control. Now I have a complete and involuntary response to anything that I perceive as a threat. Lots of things can turn into a threat to me.
At home its mostly due to not being seen, heard and understood by my partner. I dont feel like he's not listening, I certainly don't think he cares about my thoughts/feelings.
I feel I will never get my needs met.
I never had my needs met before.
This time is just like that other bad time.
Time to loose it...
I go from being the bubbly, chatty girl you might talk to in line at Starbucks to literally being willing to do ANYTHING, fight anyone, go anywhere, get out the gas cans... I'm completely seeing red. Im pretty sure Tank Abbot would not get in the cage with me at this point.
For me, once I am that far gone and seeing red... (and this really maybe applies to only me) is if my boyfriend focuses on trying to make me feel safe and ok with really BASIC words that works best. I literally need him to calm me down like I am an upset todler who doesn't know many words yet and NOT try and have an "analytical" and wordy intellectual discussion about why I'm flipping out.
I need him to say:
"You are ok"
"You are safe"
"Im not your enemy. Im your friend"
"Remember, Im your friend"
(And repeat, and repeat, and repeat)
Whatever works for your person but, my best recommendation for someone who is similar to me is small words and short sentences relating to safety. "Everthing is ok"... Im sure this could be seen as "minimizing" to the wrong PTSD person who feels like things are completely NOT ok so, this is an individual thing. But one caveat is.m, the "everything is ok" only works if everything is actually okay and Im freaking out for no reason. If tgere really IS a problem (lets say I have a medical issue) I would be completely outraged if someone said "youre ok" if I was not ok... "You are going to be ok" is better. I would completely pick up on that difference. For example... on my last Paramedics encounter they were not saying "you're fine" they were saying "were going to take care of you"... conpletely different IN AN EMERGENCY which is what it feels like for me to argue over the dog poop. For me I just really need to hear affirming, simple, comforting words. I want to feel like he is on my side. In my world people are a friend or an enemy. There is no grey area. None.
These specific statements all work GREAT because I'm literally like a wild animal that doesn't understand English at this point and Im fighting for my life in that moment.
Once I'm triggered there is no "reasoning" at that point. We are NOT having a normal, adult discussion anymore. I'm willing to break up, leave, split up the bank accounts, set the car on fire... whatever... just completely non-rational and out of control.
My boyfriend goes wrong when he tries to explan things with too many words when I am in this state or, if he corrects me or tells me why I shouldn't be upset. BIG no-no for me is when he trys to emphasize what a small thing it is and its not a big deal, minimizes tge situation or focuses on why I shouldn't be upset because I misheard one word... For example: "I didn't say I was going to pick up the dog poop; I said I MIGHT pick up the dog poop"... ENEMY!!! THREAT!!! EXPLOSIONS!!! "I don't know why you are getting so upset. Don't you habe anything more emportant to worry about" ENEMY!!
"Baby, everything is okay right now. You are safe. We are happy. We are safe."
ahhh... much better.
Sounds nuts as I write it but, this is how it goes over poop, a q-tip, a monotone response...
Sorry supporters! May God bless you richly!
Hopes this helps someone. It helped me writing it.
So, I think this describes me somewhat in my own relationship so I'll comment...
This may not directly relate to the supporters original post but, I felt inspired to write regarding the breakups/backtogethers and also stick my little toe in the water here on the blogs with my first post.
In my scenenario I'm the woman (with cptsd) and my guy would be the supporter.
He and I are both new at this cptsd thing and investigating its relevance to me... if I have or do not have cptsd... although it's probably been a part of my life as long as I can remember.
Relating to my general relationship inability to stick with it... my "supporter" says if I "don't dump him daily it's going well" with us. So, that is how often this occurs with us. Almost daily. Going a week for us without me flipping out and wanting to move seems like a pipe dream.
How cptsd affects my relationship is really the only reason I'm here. CPTSD and I are old friends... but, not the good kind of friends... that is, the kind of friends you made in highschool but, now you are forty with a job and really wondering why this loser friend is still on the sofa. I'm used to the worst traits of my loser friend yet, my partner is less excited about having them visit our home and steal our stuff. I'd probably keep my old loser friends if it was just me... its not just me.
PTSD is a loser friend that seems to really have your back in a fight; but, also ruins your life, steals your boyfriend, empties your bank account, drinks all the booze, keeps you up every night, forgets to flush...
If only unfriending was easy with PTSD
Just a shout out for myself as the "bad" one doing the constant dumping here... its hard on me too. Really hard. Not just for him as the supporter but, its hard feeling like I need something from him I just can't get emotionally. Sometimes its hard to know what I should be entitled to get from him in a "healthy" relationship and what I should be getting from myself if I didn't feel so unsafe all the time because of cptsd. Its also hard because burning rage takes energy. I feel like I ran to hell and back daily. I think the stress will kill me soon.
He says life doesn't have to be so hard. I think life is a fight to survive; daily.
With that said, my boyfriend is extremely patient with me and never raises his voice or is mean to me despite my being so difficult with my acting out and the things I say/do regularly.
This is good because if he did raise his voice to me we would have a level 10 problem. I cannot tolerate any loud male voices at all in my home or near me in specific ways that make me uncomfortable; it causes a severe, severe reaction. Ironically, I am angry and raise my voice often but, I'm not even going to go into how messed up that is. Nowhere here am I claiming this is "fair" at all for the supporters. So, In my unfair world, I raise my voice at him as I lose control of myself, he cannot raise his voice at me... raised voices in my presense and then WWIII would probably occur. Im fine escalating anything 10 times wherever it's at in any situation with anybody or if I may feel threatened in any way; minor or major. You want to be at a 2 then I will be at a 12, you take it to 20, fine, I will be at 200... Its how I've lived for a LONG time. I seem like a nice, normal, accomodating person... I am fun and chatty... until someone hits a nerve. I have a partner who is fine at 2 all the time and is not combative at all however, is fine being argumentative or having WAY TOO LENGTHY discussions about things that frustrate me/annoy me. Not fair to him but, I couldn't be with a level 20 partner as we would have extreme fights that would probably escalate to violence. I hope that makes sense to someone. P.S. may I remind you I am a WOMAN? I seriously don't care who is standing in front of me. When I am in a rage it doesn't matter. And I just look like a normal chick you could be standing next to at the grocery store... until I lose it because some A-Hole is parking in the wheelchair spot. Do not even get me started on that...
Our main relationship problem... well, is probably that I have cptsd but, secondly would be that I find him critical, negative and invalidating and it upsets me daily and makes me feel bad about myself... possibly because of personal sensitivity.
I can relate to the original poster as after a flare-up and break up or attempted break-up with my guy, I am often back to wanting to plan the garden, get married, live happily ever after... just a few hours or days after saying I'm moving out, going to burn his stuff, smashing his Amazon delivery... whatever crazy nonsense I went through in that moment.
I think it may boil down to simply NOT being myself in that moment. I literally go insane. When I return to sanity I return to myself, my life, my garden... my boyfriend I feel normal again.
So... How I feel inside as things transpire during an argument with my "better half"...
It usually goes like this:
He says or does something I don't like... he can be an incredibly frustrating person (to me) at times as we are very VERY different but, when I am in a rational mindset I at the very least know he is a good person with good intentions so, by saying he does "something I don't like" I mean I realize its nothing big like a crime, cheating, getting online and looking at chicks way hotter than me... none of that real 'problem' stuff... but more like he makes a condescending comment, a rude comment, uses a rude tone, is NOT listening to me in a way that makes me feel validated., is not thoughtful... whatever... something that happens in lots of relationships probably.
I can identify these as petty relationship things AFTER the fact. NOT AT ALL during the flare-up. During a flare up I am fine to die over it.
He says something I dont like... We go back and forth a couple times as he aggrevates me more like a 'normal couple' might argue... and then after some imperceptible tipping point I literally feel like my brain is leaving my body and I am being transported into insanity. Like, I literally go involuntarily insane.
Over something that a normal person might determine is completely inconsequential, I start to involuntarily loose my mind. A normal person could reason in their mind "he is a good person, he has good intentions, he cares about me, he is just being a dufus right now"... In that moment I am completely incapable of reason and start to go crazy.
I think this is around the time I start to get that look that others have referenced as "psychotic"...
I start to see him as an enemy.
He is literally the ENEMY to me in that moment. Its like my brain is saying THREAT ENEMY THREAT ENEMY THREAT...
WORST ENEMY
My body is going crazy fast... blood pressure, panic whatever. It is a fight or flight response. I start saying crazy stuff that sometimes I recall, sometimes I feel like I am just blurting out words that make no sense.
(Don't forget I am still talking about a boyfriend who didn't pick up the dog poop, didn't give me his full attention when I was talking (or whatever) and I am not talking about a reall issue worth dying over.
I literally do not care about ANYTHING at that time. Nothing. I am completely in an involuntary panic like my life is being threatened and I am willing to die, loose everything, leave my home, set fires, whatever needs to be done in THAT MOMENT to save myself (or whoever else around me in a different scenario)... and this is over whatever THREAT I have perceived.
And its the dog poop.
Not kidding here. Dog poop.
I easily flare with anger over a variety of things in the relationship... this is probably due to long term circumstances that were severe and outside of my control. Now I have a complete and involuntary response to anything that I perceive as a threat. Lots of things can turn into a threat to me.
At home its mostly due to not being seen, heard and understood by my partner. I dont feel like he's not listening, I certainly don't think he cares about my thoughts/feelings.
I feel I will never get my needs met.
I never had my needs met before.
This time is just like that other bad time.
Time to loose it...
I go from being the bubbly, chatty girl you might talk to in line at Starbucks to literally being willing to do ANYTHING, fight anyone, go anywhere, get out the gas cans... I'm completely seeing red. Im pretty sure Tank Abbot would not get in the cage with me at this point.
For me, once I am that far gone and seeing red... (and this really maybe applies to only me) is if my boyfriend focuses on trying to make me feel safe and ok with really BASIC words that works best. I literally need him to calm me down like I am an upset todler who doesn't know many words yet and NOT try and have an "analytical" and wordy intellectual discussion about why I'm flipping out.
I need him to say:
"You are ok"
"You are safe"
"Im not your enemy. Im your friend"
"Remember, Im your friend"
(And repeat, and repeat, and repeat)
Whatever works for your person but, my best recommendation for someone who is similar to me is small words and short sentences relating to safety. "Everthing is ok"... Im sure this could be seen as "minimizing" to the wrong PTSD person who feels like things are completely NOT ok so, this is an individual thing. But one caveat is.m, the "everything is ok" only works if everything is actually okay and Im freaking out for no reason. If tgere really IS a problem (lets say I have a medical issue) I would be completely outraged if someone said "youre ok" if I was not ok... "You are going to be ok" is better. I would completely pick up on that difference. For example... on my last Paramedics encounter they were not saying "you're fine" they were saying "were going to take care of you"... conpletely different IN AN EMERGENCY which is what it feels like for me to argue over the dog poop. For me I just really need to hear affirming, simple, comforting words. I want to feel like he is on my side. In my world people are a friend or an enemy. There is no grey area. None.
These specific statements all work GREAT because I'm literally like a wild animal that doesn't understand English at this point and Im fighting for my life in that moment.
Once I'm triggered there is no "reasoning" at that point. We are NOT having a normal, adult discussion anymore. I'm willing to break up, leave, split up the bank accounts, set the car on fire... whatever... just completely non-rational and out of control.
My boyfriend goes wrong when he tries to explan things with too many words when I am in this state or, if he corrects me or tells me why I shouldn't be upset. BIG no-no for me is when he trys to emphasize what a small thing it is and its not a big deal, minimizes tge situation or focuses on why I shouldn't be upset because I misheard one word... For example: "I didn't say I was going to pick up the dog poop; I said I MIGHT pick up the dog poop"... ENEMY!!! THREAT!!! EXPLOSIONS!!! "I don't know why you are getting so upset. Don't you habe anything more emportant to worry about" ENEMY!!
"Baby, everything is okay right now. You are safe. We are happy. We are safe."
ahhh... much better.
Sounds nuts as I write it but, this is how it goes over poop, a q-tip, a monotone response...
Sorry supporters! May God bless you richly!
Hopes this helps someone. It helped me writing it.
