Strongereveryday
New Here
Just wanted to share good news with anyone who has suicidal thoughts. I've been suffering from suicidal ideations since I was a kid (5 yrs old) and I tried killing myself 4 times when I was 5 - 14. Luckily I was saved during those times.
Later my active ideation slipped into passive, but last 2 years (I am in my mid-30s now) I have been having a lot of flashbacks. I have cPTSD because of violent and hateful, sadistic parents and because of a war-like environment in my country of birth. I left my country a long time ago and moved on, but a lot of painful memories were unresolved. Last year I tried reaching out to my birth family, tried to resolve some issues, but got rejected in a very painful, sarcastic and hateful way. So that started a chain of overpowering suicidal thoughts, flashbacks and I just felt that I was falling apart again (I still feel very unstable).
****However**** (this is the good news).
I started visiting an EMDR therapist, ordered a couple of books on cPTSD and trauma, started drawing a graphic novel about my experiences and started writing poems about it. I started talking about it more to friendly people. I am sure a combination of these things created a little shift. Even though I still have flashbacks and suicidal thoughts there is a change, so far it feels like the intense physical desire to kill myself (mine is with knives and by hanging myself) is reducing.
I often meditate with my breath and one time I thought - why don't I meditate on suicide? I went with my consciousness and sensations into parts of the body which I wanted to cut (or where my emotional pain was concentrated) - and I would "sit" there inside my body listening to my own pain. Mind you, it took a lot of concentration. And then after focusing on that pain the loving part of me would send love there, and then I would start chanting "I DESERVE LOVE" for a long time until that chant would erase the suicidal chant (for me it's "CUT CUT CUT"). With hanging myself ideation I would go into my neck (still in a meditative state) and visualize my neck just before the rope tightening and then I would say "I AM LOVED, I AM LOVE, I DESERVE LOVE" and after a while the need to die goes away, if it doesn't I also imagine that I am a rope and I also say "If I am this rope, I don't want to kill this body" and I carry on with "I DESERVE LOVE" . So here it is, so far, it is working. I am not running away from my suicidal thoughts anymore. I am trying to untangle the feelings within them. And I know, there is still a lot to work with. And I will probably have pretty dark days and pretty good days.
Another thought - if anyone infected your consciousness with self hatred, shame, and self-disrespect. Infect it with love in return. And find a good therapist!
Hope this helps.
Later my active ideation slipped into passive, but last 2 years (I am in my mid-30s now) I have been having a lot of flashbacks. I have cPTSD because of violent and hateful, sadistic parents and because of a war-like environment in my country of birth. I left my country a long time ago and moved on, but a lot of painful memories were unresolved. Last year I tried reaching out to my birth family, tried to resolve some issues, but got rejected in a very painful, sarcastic and hateful way. So that started a chain of overpowering suicidal thoughts, flashbacks and I just felt that I was falling apart again (I still feel very unstable).
****However**** (this is the good news).
I started visiting an EMDR therapist, ordered a couple of books on cPTSD and trauma, started drawing a graphic novel about my experiences and started writing poems about it. I started talking about it more to friendly people. I am sure a combination of these things created a little shift. Even though I still have flashbacks and suicidal thoughts there is a change, so far it feels like the intense physical desire to kill myself (mine is with knives and by hanging myself) is reducing.
I often meditate with my breath and one time I thought - why don't I meditate on suicide? I went with my consciousness and sensations into parts of the body which I wanted to cut (or where my emotional pain was concentrated) - and I would "sit" there inside my body listening to my own pain. Mind you, it took a lot of concentration. And then after focusing on that pain the loving part of me would send love there, and then I would start chanting "I DESERVE LOVE" for a long time until that chant would erase the suicidal chant (for me it's "CUT CUT CUT"). With hanging myself ideation I would go into my neck (still in a meditative state) and visualize my neck just before the rope tightening and then I would say "I AM LOVED, I AM LOVE, I DESERVE LOVE" and after a while the need to die goes away, if it doesn't I also imagine that I am a rope and I also say "If I am this rope, I don't want to kill this body" and I carry on with "I DESERVE LOVE" . So here it is, so far, it is working. I am not running away from my suicidal thoughts anymore. I am trying to untangle the feelings within them. And I know, there is still a lot to work with. And I will probably have pretty dark days and pretty good days.
Another thought - if anyone infected your consciousness with self hatred, shame, and self-disrespect. Infect it with love in return. And find a good therapist!
Hope this helps.
