Got Bad News Yesterday; Question

[raven123]

I went to the doc yesterday morning. My right leg (and sometimes left) had been swelling in the foot and lower leg. Too much fluid I thought so I took a water pill. I had a bunch from my hyperthyroid hell. And, I went down on how much I was drinking. Well, I've had shortness of breath, which I thought was panic attack related. I've learned to control my breathing a lot. Thanks, God!

The nurse practitioner listened to my lungs and found my right one was congested. So, she put me back on a water pill and a low dose of a heart medication (made my heart feel better) to protect my heart with a preliminary diagnosis of CHF (congestive heart failure). My heart also might be enlarged. Need an xray to find out for sure, but don't have the funds for it right now. I think they are like $500+ with the read by a radiologist. I'm in debt $10k to a local hospital as it is. They did an echo early in 2012 and found it wasn't enlarged so I don't think it is. I'm slightly hyperthyroid so doubt that is causing it.

Do I ever stop paying for being raped at 3 1/2 and abused my whole childhood? I know this shit is where it is coming from.

Has your PTSD made you physically ill?

I am wondering if this CHF isn't my body craving the love and attention I didn't get as a kid (and/or as an adult). I do know lack of touch can make you sick. I really wonder if that's why we get sick? Does that make sense to anyone?

 

[I Can Do This]

Yes, it makes sense - stresses held in our bodies do cause diseases, that is a fact. But - it is important to realize that you do have power over how you handle the experience that hurt you so much, along with your mind and your body. You can heal from all that has happened to you - that doesn't mean that it ever feels what happened was okay - but the pain will lessen and no longer control your life.

If what you are experiencing is a result of what you went through - each new moment presents an opportunity to begin healing. It is a process that is slow, but it is possible, I swear. You can do it.

 

[Pencil]

Yes, it makes perfect sense to me.

 

[p-no]

I really wonder if that's why we get sick? Does that make sense to anyone?

I think I get sick more easily and likely because of my bad immune system. Which, I am convinced, results from all the abuse. So, yes, from me.

And another yes from my therapists (all) who have all pointed out that non-connection (physical, emotional, psychological), i.e. severe neglect can not just cause you illness but even death. All my therapists have pointed out that there are children who die from non-connection to other people.

Do I ever stop paying for being raped at 3 1/2 and abused my whole childhood?

I have been wondering about that myself just today. I had no say in anything for half my life; later-on, I had to learn to have a say and I'm still way behind to the "average person". Therefore I have paid; physically also. I think there can come a time when we reach a "normal", which does not mean that we're free of illness (whichever kind, physical, emotional, etc.), nor does it mean we have good people in our lives. There are many "normal" people who are sick, lonely, etc. What I have found so difficult is to see where it's "normal" and where it's paying for what others have put me through. I think that in many areas of my life today, I am not paying anymore, so I believe that is available to you too.

 

[Loveneverfails]

It might help to look into how our bodies respond to stress over the long term so that you understand all of these things happening are what have enabled you to live this long. The truth is our bodies are made to survive. They have fail safes built in to deal with trauma. The most common is weight gain and food cravings. Over the long term however, those things that helped us survive a traumatic event begin to harm us. High blood pressure, hormone imbalance, obesity, sleep disorders and so on can result directly from stress. I've no doubt my PTSD is why it takes me more than a month to get over something so simple as a common cold.

But from what I've been studying, there are ways we can help our body fight these health problems through diet, exercise and proper sleep. I've read and watched so many testimonials about people who just stopped eating overly processed foods being able to combat debilitating physical health conditions from severe migraines to cancer to a rare skin condition that caused painful open sores.

I'm trying it and I've been doing it for the past 3 weeks. My depression and irritability are getting better, my migraines aren't as frequent and I don't get nauseated or have dizzy spells anymore. I doubt this will have as big of an impact on a heart condition, but it might give your body more strength to do what it needs to. If it has helped more than a few battle cancer, then it certainly can't hurt!

I'm very sorry you're going through all of this. It must be so frustrating to have one health problem after another and I personally know how stressful unpaid hospital debt is! I wish you the very best, I hope you find the healing you deserve.

 

[raven123]

I can do this -- I don't know really what's wrong with me besides the PTSD, GAD (which improved greatly once the thyroid treatment happened) and Bipolar (no real swing in awhile). I know I lack social skills, which explains why nobody wanted me and I can't blame them. Not sure how to get them. I've worked a lot on not hating myself to the point where I don't. Still have to fight some things though. I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to sex (not with another in several years--5 I think now), but that's because it is a total escape. I have no money or insurance for shrink so that's just a pipe dream. If I knew what was wrong, maybe I could fix it through the process you mentioned. Honestly, I'm tired of not finding answers to my questions so I've quit looking. Too frustrating and seems pointless.

Prime-no, "All my therapists have pointed out that there are children who die from non-connection to other people." Yeah, I don't think I've ever connected to anyone including God. No idea how to fix that.

 

[raven123]

Loveneverfails, I'm not paying the debt, any of them. They can all shove it since they treated me like a thief and criminal. LOL I'm sorry you have all those issues. Don't know if you have medical care or not. I don't. I go to a free clinic. No labs or anything is covered by it. So, it is kinda fighting things blindly. I should just go to the ER and say, "well, no one is hiring me due to age discrimination so there's no money to pay the bill. But, guess what, my illness is fatal if not treated so treat away like you do prisoners (here's my $4, which is all they pay)." LOL

 

[p-no]

No idea how to fix that.

I'm sorry for that, raven. I have been working on this myself, for years and years and have found two things to be true for me:

1. There is no such thing as "true connection". What I mean is I need to be careful how I define it. It's like there is no prince on a white horse coming to rescue you. The "connection" overly promoted everywhere is something that isn't real. The other month I went on the subway and noticed that all people there (pretty crowded) were alone. They were all on their own, in their own selves, if you will. I talked to my therapist about it and she confirmed. Until then, I'd been looking for that overly promoted type of connection, which does not exist.

...leading to

2. Connection can only happen with another person, at least one, that is. It's nothing you can do alone, it's nothing you do once and then you two are connected "ever after". Connection is something that is there only when it happens, while it happens, and when it has happened with a person over a longer period of time, it can last even when seperate from each other, on an emotional level.

So, I think that a part of fixing it is not hating yourself anymore, then loving yourself, treating yourself in kind and compassionate ways with all that makes you you, become the person you want to be and then, if that person does want connection (which could not be the case and not be a bad thing), let a person in.

As said, been working on that for many years. It's a tough one.

From your post I think you have come a long way already. Not hating yourself means having gotten far, in my view, and in my experience. It's a very good place to be, but not one to stop at, IMO. One step at a time though. Also, I can relate to your being tired looking for answers. Still I'd like to encourage you to continue down that road. That is simply because e.g. being physically ill is better lived with if you do not only not hate yourself, but be kind to yourself and treat yourself well.

Wishing you well, raven.

 

[I Can Do This]

I have no money or insurance for shrink so that's just a pipe dream. If I knew what was wrong, maybe I could fix it through the process you mentioned

I understand those struggles (been unemployed for 5 years!) so I can tell you that a great place to begin to turn yourself around is at the library. I read constantly and get most of my books from the library - never knew how great our library system was until I couldn't afford to buy retail! lol

That may not sound exciting to you - everyone is different, but I can tell you that I have made really fast progress in my PTSD counseling because I read so much. I know certain books have helped me grow enormously and could feel the change happening as I would read. So my point is, don't give up. Where there is will, there is a way. Just reaching out on this site means you have already taken the hardest step!!! :tup:

 

[raven123]

Prime-no,

I really don't believe in "romantic love". It's only something the west covets and didn't exist till Dante's Inferno. I think it's just a scam used by songs and movies. People are attracted to mate/reproduce, for common goals, for security, for financial reasons, for sex and that's about it. 50% of marriages in the USA end in divorce so it's obviously a failed institution in this country. Most of the married couples I observed really were just roommates with benefits. Some even hated each other and the rest were lonely and regretted it. Of all the people I've slept with, I wouldn't have married any of them. Honestly, I wonder why the f*ck we are here. The best marriages I saw were best friends (that had sex together). I think people marry cause they are scared shitless of being alone.

I read someone describe love and it was from their kids and God. My problem is I don't connect to anyone, including God. I never really looked at my mom (and definitely not my sperm donor) and thought, "I love her." I really don't. I wonder if she loved me much at all. My brother is her favorite and he's basically an emotional affair to be honest.

I learned there is a difference between real empathy and pity. Empathy is you feel another's pain. Pity is you recognize others are in pain. Mine has always been pity. That sucks but I wasn't raised to care about others I realized, wasn't allowed to feel and was terrorized and lived in fear my whole childhood.

There's no one to let in cause nobody wanted in. Lots and lots wanted my money and help though. They took and took and caused me to not trust anybody very far. Honestly, when I die I just want to be able to give the world the finger on the way out. roflmao

What really is loving yourself anyway?

-----------

I can do this,

I've read and read and read stuff and just don't get it. Either I get the therapy I need, which is a pipe dream, or I don't. I ain't reading more. I've read maybe the five books the library had. They don't have much on this stuff.

Thanks for replying.

 

[cat]

Yes Raven, it makes a great deal of sense to me.
I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you . I was diagnosed with CHF in December & know what a shock it is. At first I was too scared to do anything but I'm gradually getting stronger.

CHF has come as part of a long list of physical aliments which I am convinced are all due to the effects of PTSD. Five years ago I was fit, healthy & rarely needed to see a doctor, then I went through more trauma & I'm almost at the stage where it would be easier to move in!

Having read your post I am very thankful I live in the UK where all my tests are free. Is there no way you can get those tests done, its the only way you will be given the right treatment. I thought I had it bad but at least I dont have that worry.

Good luck Raven, I hope you can find some help.

 

[raven123]

Cat,

Thanks for replying. "Is there no way you can get those tests done..." Nope. No money for it. I have $50. That's it. I used to think America was a great country. Then, I got sick and found how it really is. It's not great. Dog eat dog is all it is. The only hospitals near me and for-profit and they really don't care about anyone but "George" (the dollar).