General Got Pushed Away Again

[Jason111]

Hey all,

I've haven't talked with my lover since last Saturday, she is numbing and hiding from me and this is the first time she has gone this long with no communication. I really would like to get together to have some resolution and at least admit to each other that things can't work. I believe they could, but she'd have to get the proper care and treatment which she has avoided thus far at the very least, I'd like to talk face to face to note the transition from romantic love to the possibility of friendship - she has no one besides a couple of enablers who do nothing to aid in her recovery. I just would like to support her as a friend - I feel like that is the least I can do given the fact that we love each other. I know it was just too difficult for her to be responsible for someone else's feelings because hers are so overwhelming. I've offered to talk, not argue and told her to call when she is ready. I'm thinking of maybe texting again, since it has been a few days and just say, "I'm thinking of you". I have no idea of what kind of dark place she is in - my motivation is two fold, I care and want to make sure she is ok and on the other hand I'd like some resolution so I can move forward.

Do any of you have helpful advice? I'm like a fish out of water here, because PTSD seems to turn anything "normal" into an abnormal, there is no consistent baseline to work with and as I am not a therapist, but rather a concerned lover/friend, I'm trying to maintain my boundaries, yet also attempt to spark communication that I feel she needs and wants on some level. I don't know how people/lovers can handle the numbing and isolation and still have a functioning relationship. I really am at a loss...

Thank you,
Jason

 

[Molly Anne]

Jason, I feel the exact same way - just craving the friendship and feeling "numb" and "isolated." I have started doing more for me, though, as this site encourages. I've received a lot of viewpoints here, and most of them say to let that person know that you'll be there whenever they need you, then just stand back and wait. It's not an easy thing to do, and you have to be ready for no response.

After that advice I sent one last text yesterday just letting him know my door is always open for him. It was heartbreaking, but then I started the process of knowing that if/when he's ready, he'll come to me. I'm not waiting on a relationship, though... at least not intentionally... because I also went on a "date" last night. It wasn't comfortable the whole time but I found myself spending minutes where I wasn't thinking about B, and so I know I can start feeling healthy.

Basically, I just had to tell myself that as much as I want to "fix it" for him, that's a choice he has to make on his own. Yes, I'm used to being able to pamper him and take care of him - it was an aspect of our relationship we both liked... but now that it's not possible, I have to find my comfort in knowing that he's going to have to grow as a person, and not only discover that he needs help, but learn to accept it in order to feel better. I just keep praying for him and for our friendship in the future. That's all we can do sometimes, I suppose...

 

[Jason111]

Molly,

Thank you again for the helpful insight! It seems that this is so common that it is eerie in a way. I'm basically doing the same thing as you, I'd like to shift this into more of a friendship / supporter relationship because the pressure of me having needs and wants is overcrowding her and she is numbing because that is how she deals with stress/anxiety....I'll be much more effective as a friend without having any needs to be met.

If she was healthier, I think it could work because we love each other, but sadly, that is not the case. She hasn't been in treatment since we met and before that I feel it was pretty limited. I am hopeful that I can be of some use and she makes a concerted effort to get true, consistent help....it's the only thing that will help, but again like you said, it's their decision, not ours, ....May they all find their strength and happiness! May we continue to find more of our strength as well!

Jason

 

[Molly Anne]

You are so welcome - and don't feel too bad - I realized that I haven't heard from B for two weeks now. It didn't seem like that long until I started investigating the calendar. I have a feeling it will be a long while before I ever hear from him again, which is so hard because just two weeks before that he was telling me he loved me and knew what he was giving up, how amazing I was and etc. I just have to keep reminding myself that his brain is not functioning normally right now... and that in time, he will likely show back up. That helps a bit. Trying not to hold onto that too tightly though, in case he never does, or in case it takes longer than I anticipate. Those are my primary worries right now... and why I'm still going to see my new therapist today, and try to resolve this feeling of abandonment. Ugh...

 

[Jason111]

Molly,

I mentioned this before in another post, my Buddhist teacher told me to remain with 'hopeless hope', sort of a emotional/logic, in regards to my situation. I'm actually feeling liberated and free because I feel like I was bending to someone who is/was I'll and by doing so, I didn't stand my ground and ultimately failed her by not promoting her autonomy. If we remain with strength in our decision to not enable and to provide support, as friends, we will benefit them that much better.

I'm glad you are talking to a therapist, I actually have an appointment with one next week for this relationship too.

Stay strong,
Jason

 

[Molly Anne]

I'm really proud of my decision to see a therapist... it's helping a lot. Can you explain more about hopeless hope?

 

[Jason111]

Molly,

Hopeless hope is a non-dual statement that is really the heart of Buddhist practice. It's actually really intuitive, it's like offering everything, hopeing it will have a positive effect for someone or for something to happen, but being fine with never seeing a result.

The motivation for a Buddhist is to be of benefit to all beings and let the natural compassion of our enlightened nature sparkle through our neurotic obscurations...We always have enough for everyone actually, because our enlightened nature is limitless, but it doesn't mean we can take away people's pain. We can only be there for them if/when they need us, but with this is the understanding that we may not be the right person for them or it may not be the right time, context etc. and we live without hope or fear in that sense.

It's actually very similar to what you and are doing now, we are saying to a person who needs help, "I'm here for you & I love you" and we say it without knowing whether it'll do a damn bit of good, we just say it and let go. Maybe they will find that our heart and hands can help them to get back up or maybe they'll turn and run. But we can be strong and happy knowing we gave everything we could.

I'm happy you are doing well!!

J

 

[Molly Anne]

That is sooooooooooo wayyyyyyyy easier said than done. I'm such a worrier... Mornings are the hardest, too, I think. Waking up and realizing everything is not as it was. Trying though... :)

 

[Jason111]

Molly,

Yes, nights and mornings are for me, I find myself waking up in the middle of the night worrying about what went wrong, what the hell happened and why....but with space comes clarity and wisdom will dawn. The clarity will equal strength and we won't be so needy and be so worried and really we've done more than a lot would do. All we can do is offer our help and support, it is up to the other to take it.

It is a struggle towards that strength, one day at a time....

Jason
:)