Gotta Start Somewhere

[kahlan]

I've started and erased so many things here today. I saw a commercial for a local business today and its thrown me totally off. My dad had dealings with the owner when I was little. If I went along with him I was always told to stay in the truck. For some reason this one time, I let the man's older sons talk me out. I remember them giving me a drink and then saying to lie down on the couch. I don't remember anything else
until my dad found me and woke me up. I remember being confused because I wasn't tired when we got there. When we got home I was told to take a bath and go.to bed..punishment for not listening. My mom saw that my underwear were inside out and flipped out...At the time I couldn't figure out why and her reaction scared and confused me even more.

I haven't thought about this in a long time, if really ever, but seeing that commercial brought all of that flooding back. The last six to seven months its been incident after incident bombarding me from all sides. The front I have up won't hold much longer.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Sending hugs to you beautiful, yet wounded child.. you are not alone, be gentle on yourself and try to grant your self some time to process what is occurring. My prayers are with you.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Good step in starting your diary, it takes courage to write it all out. Well done.

 

[kahlan]

Getting it out here is one thing with the relative anonymity of the internet...now actually saying it face to face with someone is a whole other can of worms. Right now I still can't seem to talk to N. about the ptsd diagnosis.

I can't show weakness.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I understand what you mean. I say things here that I would probably burst out crying if I told my therapist.

Do you mean you haven't told your family/spouse/friend about your PTSD? I am sorry I don't know who N. is in relation with you.

 

[kahlan]

I've been fighting the diagnosis in my head. Not that keeping in quiet makes it any less real. O_o

N. is my boyfriend and the reason I joined this forum as a supporter, he has combat related PTSD. I'm not close to my family as a good bit of my issues stem from them and so far have only told one friend and I'm not sure how to bring it up with N.

 

[Echo]

@kahlan - maybe it would be best for you, when you're ready, to see a therapist, who can help you work out how best to deal with telling your boyfriend. It is a tough one and it would be much better to do it in a good way. I got triggered to suddenly remember my abuse as a child very recently. It is really shocking and powerfully painful, but it does recede as you begin to accept that it happened. Not that it ever makes it right. It is just that the shock wears off a bit. Thinking of you. Keep writing, if it helps. We are all here for you.

 

[kahlan]

Today I just wonder why I bother with people at all.

 

[kahlan]

Watching my son play today made me wonder what it was about me that made me an easy target as a kid. He's a lot like me at that age, way too much energy, non stop chatterbox, and loves being outside chasing the pets! How could anyone hurt someone who's biggest concern is "Why did that cat run away from me?" What made me (very much similar nature to little man) an easy target? How can I possibly ever protect him? He starts preschool in a few months, will the kids pick on and bully him like they did me?

 

[kahlan]

Sleep O glorious sleep...where the hell are ya!

 

[Nothing]

Sending you a can of Sandman's sleeping sprinkles! :hug:

I know what you mean about wondering how you can protect your son, I look at my kids and feel despair sometimes because I want to keep them safe so badly and worry that I won't be able to. All we can do is our best I guess and try to keep communication lines open. Your little boy sounds gorgeous! My son is 6 and is always in a world of his own, he loves the outdoors too.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

In spite of my best efforts both of my children were molested one time each. I was devastated and felt like such a failure as a mom that I attempted to kill myself.

I got them the best therapist I could find and broke the generational cycles of abuse with my kids.

Sadly, my son who had been molested by a friend of the family, babysitting him was killed in a motorcycle accident five years ago.

I really can relate to your fears and your kids ages are going to stir up so many things for you.

I currently live with my daughter and my two granddaughters and I have the best relationship with all of them. My daughter is so grateful that I broke the cycles and we are the best of friends.

We cannot protect our kids. This is a fact. We have to just love them and educate them to the dangers of the real world and let them know how much good there is.

I know how agonizing it is not to be able to protect my children. Losing my son was the worst.

I wish you the best and hope for your healing and please remember that you are a good mom and your child is not you.

Try not to worry and stress over these things in time if you can. You can only do your best. Your love and care will all come back to you.

Your child has to learn so many things. If your child is bullied, I believe you will fight back and tell the teachers and the counselor. You will get so much good help if you reach out for it. Hugs and prayers if that is ok.