Grades Suffering And Wanting To Drop Out

[Simple Minded]

Hello. Sorry if a post similar to this has been made before, I don't mean to waste anyone's time.

Anyways. I'm currently 18, diagnosed with PTSD, depression, among other things, and I'm also close to graduating from high school (I graduate in June). However, I also have court next month against someone who did things to me (sorry for being vague, but I'm not comfortable talking about it today). My grades have been seriously starting to plummet. I try really hard and write reminders for myself and take notes, but I just can't get myself to do the work on time. I didn't even do a major paper for my online business class, and it really hit my grade hard. My art teacher is fully aware of what's going on and what I have gone through, so I have no problems with her class. My digital media teacher is aware I'm going through a stressful period of time and is allowing me extra work time.

However, my business and Russian class are both online, but overseen by a teacher in the computer lab. I have a hard time in my normal classes, and it's really hard to get my online work done at all. My Russian grade went from a pretty 88% down to a 63% within two weeks. I only recently brought my business grade up to passing again. I'm really losing motivation. I already emailed my online teachers about a different court thing this previous Friday to get extended time for my work last week. I really don't want to email them again and risk them thinking I'm just trying to get extended deadlines on assignments because I'm lazy or that I'm lying.

I'm almost done with school, and I just really want to drop out. School is just so stressful right now and I'm losing my ability to handle it. Large crowds of people make me very anxious, even smaller still groups in the classroom. And when someone slams something down or closes a door (this is high school, full of rowdy teens, it happens a lot), or comes up behind me or touches me unexpectedly, it triggers panic and flashbacks for me. My school is very much aware of my PTSD, as well as my peers, but I don't know how to ask them to try to quiet down a little bit. Things are just getting harder and harder and it's bringing on feelings of hopelessness on top of everything else, and suicidal feelings. Which I am struggling to tell my mother about because we're all stressed out about court next month and I don't want her to have to deal with my stupid problems too.

I have tried bringing my feelings up with my therapist, but something inside me freezes and I just can't. She thinks I'm getting better and she's been so happy for me and I don't have it in me to tell her how I'm feeling. I have upgraded my dosage on my medicine with the permission of my psychiatrist, but that has only helped very slightly. I've also been isolating myself from my friends and I've also been deactivating everything in terms of social websites. The idea of facing the monster who did everything they did to me next month has me scared, sad, and angry and just generally panicking a lot on the inside and it's really hitting my grades and my life very hard.

How do I deal with this? How do I talk myself into toughing out the last two months of school so I don't screw myself over? And can I get any tips at all on how to calm down about court in May?

 

[joeygn72]

I wish I could help you in dealing with school. I am 42 and at 41 I went back to school and lasted a month and a half. I have PTSD and dissociative disorders and I know its tough. I wanna say kudos on making it almost all the way through. Here is where I do have advice. Take care of your mental well being first and foremost. I have multiple suicide attempts and numerous other complications and I have to be careful how much I take on.

I don't know how you can "calm down" and I might not be much help. I know what I do and it's different with every person. Maybe someone else can help. Just know I understand where you're at. Again congrats on making it this far.

 

[Ryn]

You are so close! Really, really well done for getting through this far.

I'm just finishing my first year at university but I well remember how tough my senior year was when dealing with so much stress. I can't imagine what it must be like to have court on top of this too. It's really tough and I commend you for doing all you have.

I wonder if there is a chance you could drop out for now and finish in the fall/winter? Perhaps you could find some online courses to complete your credits so you don't have to deal with the stresses and triggers of a school environment. There is NO shame in doing that if you need to. At the same time, I also feel you are just so close to being done and I wonder if you would benefit from being able to just push through, rather than drag it out. I can't say what's better for you, of course. I understand how hard it must be! I would be feeling really conflicted, too.

Best of luck.

 

[scout86]

First of all, there's nothing "stupid" about your problems. They are real problems and they aren't your fault, you just have to deal with them.

If I could go back and give advice to a younger "me", I'd start by saying "You have a problem and need to do something about it so it doesn't mess up the rest of your life." YOU are ahead of the game, because you already know you have a problem and you're working on it.

The second thing I'd have told myself is "There's a 'system' in place for a reason. USE IT!" (Yelling a "me", not you. LOL)

Here's the deal. YOU are important and so the the rest of your life. MOST of your life is going to take place after high school and after these court deals. It's really hard to get anywhere without a high school diploma, you need to find a way to get one.

You don't say where you live. Around here, there are "alternative schools" that might work better. Does your school have a guidance counselor or a social worker? If so, go talk to them and tell them what you've told us. Get them to help with this. There may be a way you can finish your classes over the summer. There may be other ways they can make this work better for you. They can't do it if they don't know what's going on. Find an adult at school to be your advocate and let them "advocate".

Be honest with your therapist! It's not your job to make her feel good about how she's doing HER job. It's your job to be honest and do the work. You won't get any bonus points for making your therapist happy. In fact, if it's a good therapist, the best way to make them happy is to be honest and do the work.

BTW, your post is well written and you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. What are you going to do AFTER high school? Because it sounds like you're smart enough that you should set your sights higher than a HS diploma.

Good luck, welcome to the forum, and don't worry about "bothering people"!

 

[Rizen]

Sometimes we can say things in a letter that we can't say in person so you might consider writing to your teachers and therapist. I suggest seeing if you can complete your schoolwork from home or get an accommodation that lets you do the courses but not be in the classroom or near what triggers you. In my experience teachers are forgiving if you get the work in and act good. I missed over a month of my senior high school year from insomnia and other problems but still was able to graduate.
I hope things work out for you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you're in the USA you have legal rights as PTSD falls under the disability umbrella. Please go talk to your guidance counselor as soon as possible. You SHOULD be able to bring up those dropping grades. All colleges are required to accommodate disabled students and let's just say I'd be shocked if this didn't apply to high school as well.

FYI I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD back in high school but still managed to graduate at the top of my class even though I'd missed almost 30 days of school my junior and senior years (each year). I didn't even go to the last 2 weeks of my senior year because things were so bad---yes, they accommodated me, BUT, I asked and my parents forced the issue. I think the school knew it would reflect bad on failing me as I was an excellent student who was really struggling with health issues.

 

[Avez]

Wow, congratulations on making it as far as you have! Something similar happened to me, but I crashed in my sophomore year and got my GED, and I must say that possible employers see this as laziness and eliminate the possibility of a trauma being the reason, so, while you should do what is best for you, please try to make it all the way so you can have a brighter future.

You deserve to be safe and happy. Distance learning may be an option. Don't give up! We're all here for you! You can do this! :)

 

[open eyes]

Hi! I'm also a high school student with PTSD. I'm 16, a sophomore. I've had PTSD for a few years now but it's been hitting me really hard this school year. I stopped going to school from December-February. I started going back in during March, doing only half days. Even that got too stressful, so now I'm getting home-tutored in my classes. It's really helping me, because I don't have to deal with crowds of people at school & I have more time to do extracurricular things I like .

I considered dropping out too, it still crosses my mind. The best advice I can give to you is to be open with your teachers & guidance counselor. They will be much more willing to work out options & be much more lenient with you if you just tell them what's going on- you don't have to get into gory details though. Also make friends with the school nurses, they will help.

 

[seedling]

Your problems are not stupid. Your mother is stressed out but she is your mother and is there as a parent for you (you didn't say she was part of the problem so I'm assuming that).
I have been homeschooling my son who is 17 now. He suffered the trauma, I got PTSD and our whole family suffered. It's been some hard times but we keep at it. I have been able to put my own stuff aside when I've had to to help him make it through school (and life!)

Reach out to more of the adults that you trust, that's what they are there for. It is in everyone's best interest to help you finish school now that you've come this far. You've shown that you are capable of the work.
Is there any way to deal with the legal schedule and get an accommodation there based on your rights as a victim? Can the court date be moved?
Can you finish up what you need to in summer school? I've seen kids attending school here do that.

I can't image how overwhelmed you may be feeling right now. You sound like you've done well in treatment but under the prospect of seeing this person again......it's the kind of thing to bring it all back again.

You are not lazy, not lying and if you decide to take another path right now you are not "dropping out." You can only handle so much at once.
Not matter what you decide to do, take care of yourself now. You are important.

 

[Simple Minded]

Thank you all for your responses. It turns out I only have a month and week until graduation and not two months (thank goodness). However, depending on how long court things will take, this also means I will likely miss my graduation ceremony (which I sort of don't mind since I don't want to deal with crowds of emotional parents). I've taken time to think about everything and I've decided how I'm going to handle my assignments. Since two classes are online, I can spend those two class periods to work on one class, and then work on the other at home instead of trying to make myself finish everything at school and just demotivating myself in the process. Though, I will be trying to talk my mother and my grandparents into letting me take a year off before I go back to school for when I start college. They're really pushing me to only have the summer off and then enroll in the fall, however, and it's hard to convince them otherwise.

The court date for everything has already been postponed quite a few times, but not for my side of things. The person who did everything is the one who has had court postponed. It actually stresses me out more the more the court date is moved up (moved away? just postponed, not sure how to word it). I'm really just wanting to go in, knock it out, and move on with life. I think most of my stress now is just knowing I have to face someone that I'm scared of, but if how well protected my mom was for the court thing last Friday is anything to judge by, I should be perfectly safe. Which is comforting.

@scout86
As for after high school, I plan on pursuing a a double masters in fine arts & education. I would like to be an art teacher later in life, but preferably at a college level. High schoolers are not my cup of tea. More than likely, however, I will probably end up being a free lance artist. Or maybe an author. Maybe all three at once, I can't quite decide yet. Everyone in my family is really pushing me to be a teacher, which is sort of putting me off of wanting to be one. I don't like being told what to do, haha.

 

[scout86]

@Simple Minded, sounds like a well thought out plan!

Here's my two cents on the taking a year off idea. I started college, went for 2 years, nearly flunked out, wasted a good share of my time there, quit for 2 years, then went back and finished. My whole educational career was "different" at best, for a lot of reasons. I know now that PTSD was one of the reasons. Especially if I'd know what all my issues were, it would have been better use of my time to get my act together BEFORE I started college. By taking the 2 year intermission to work, I gained a better perspective on WHY I wanted to go to college. Didn't get any of my issues dealt with thought, because I didn't recognize them as "issues" until MUCH later. Your family may not buy the idea, but I don't see taking time off after high school as a bad idea at all. The main thing I'd suggest is that you have some kind of purpose in mind. That will make your family feel better too.

There are all kinds of considerations in all this. I wanted to be totally independent from my family. Didn't want to "owe them anything". That meant paying my own way, which wasn't always easy, but I felt better about doing what I wanted to do instead of what they wanted me to do.

I can relate to the frustration with the court's delays too! I hope all goes well for you. What ever you decide to do, you sound like someone who is quite capable of making a good plan and living it out. Much success, which ever way you go!

 

[seedling]

@SimpleMinded, glad you were able to make a plan.

You know you have support here if you need it.

Good luck in court, I hope it all works out as well as possible. Keep thinking of the "perfectly safe" part of the anticipation of going to court.

All the best.