Graduating, But It Doesn't Feel Real...

[Samantha_38]

So I'm officially graduating from undergrad. My commencement ceremony is tomorrow. For the most part I'm excited. It's been a long road with two kids, two jobs...and going to school that's 70 miles away in a program that requires 20-30 hours a week of clinic on top of regular class time and of course the homework. So I'm excited. I'm glad to be done. I'm glad to have more time to spend with my kids. I'm planning the summer, and spending as much time as I can with them because graduate school is next and starting in August. I've already gotten a little bit of a teaser the last couple days that I haven't had to worry about homework, and its been great being able to give all of my attention to them.

The problem is that although I'm excited. I can't really feel anything else. I don't feel accomplished, it doesn't feel like I did anything, and most of all the one person in the world who I just wish would say "good job". The person who I really want to care, and really want to amaze with everything I've done, is never going to care about it. I hate it. I want him to say he's proud of me, just once in my life. I've wanted that since I can remember. I want him to be my dad, a real dad, and I want him to be proud so he stops hurting me.

I've spent tons of time in therapy about this subject. I've gotten down right mad at my therapist for telling me this is never going to happen. I don't get actively mad with anyone, pretty much ever. I'm sure I know its true, and I'm sure that's why it makes me mad. I just don't get why he can't just be my dad and be proud of me.

So here I am, the night before my graduation ceremony just wishing that the one person who I really want to be there can change over night and become this amazing dad, that I've never had. There is a huge part of me that doesn't even want to attend if he's not going to be there. I wish I could feel like this was real, and I wish I could be proud of myself, but there's only one person I want to be proud, and it isn't me.

 

[J_trustno1]

Congratulations @Samantha_38 for graduating. Well done for your hard work. I graduated this Friday and I was going through the self-doubt as myself too because I felt i hadn't achieved anything. The reason was exactly the same as yours. I had done all this to prove my abusers wrong and seek their approval but in return I was never appreciated. I am still getting that treatment after being a high achiever, the reason simply being them being jealous of me. Anyway to cut the story short, you cannot please or seek approval of others. I know it is easier said than done, because I am struggling with the exact same thing and always throwing myself for a harder things. If you keep thinking about them or whoever you wanted to appreciate you, you will not be happy in the end, exactly how I have been. You should be happy for your achievement and your hard work. You have your kids to celebrate this moment with you and you should be proud of yourself.

Take it easy on yourself because you have achieved something not many people will achieve. Having Ptsd and getting a qualification isn't that easy really. I am here to tell you that I am proud of you and very well done for this :)

 

[Samantha_38]

Thank you @jess_trustno1 . At least I know I'm not the only one going through this. It is SO surreal. I guess I've waited years for this day and thought about what it would feel like, and I never thought this.

"Easier said than done," is right.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Samantha_38 , Your welcome :). Enjoy your day tomorrow :)