Greetings From Jockland

[Athene]

ok... so the difficult bit... meh

I don't have an official diagnosis, more because saying the words PTSD is not something I have been brave enough to do yet....and it is easier to sit with a diagnosis of bipolar which doesn't fit so I don't have people wondering what my 'trauma' was.

I've also got the issue of years working with refugees and asylum seekers who went through 'real' trauma in an environment where I was representing the government and questioning their truthfulness in court. This makes the idea that I could have PTSD from the simple act of growing up in a western democracy in a 'loving' middle class family seem so demeaning to people who have suffered 'genuine' trauma.

anyway hi...I think that was suitably awkward but not overly sharing do I pass the entrance exam? ;)

 

[Jennie]

Oh, you haven't suffered enough? How much is enough? And isn't a little suffering ... too much? I'm not beating you up! You do have a right to be a unique individual who experiences the world & it's trauma's different from everyone else. During the darkest days & nights after the home invasion robbery, as I watched my young 9 yo son navigate the waters of PTSD & later C-PTSD from adolescence to manhood without medications or therapy, I wished I were dead. I wished we were all dead. It would have been preferable to witnessing the effect this trauma wrecked upon my son. And not knowing how he would mentally survive this traumatic event in our lives was a daily torture. Not to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel when he was 10, 13, 16 then finally 18, he just shook off the trauma. Learned to live with the bad dreams occasionally. Learned to love his father again. No one should have to suffer. That's my point. That's my only point. That & I thought someone should acknowledge your post. And also your name is Greek & I am Greek. So I have somehow taken a shine to you in 10 minutes and one post later :O_o:

 

[amethist]

Hi Athene

Welcome to the forum.

No one here is going to say you dont have PTSD, unless there is no trauma that would be within the criteria necessary for the diagnosis. That said Trauma is Trauma, so maybe there is something that you know would cause you to have PTSD, but it is up to a professional to say directly.

There are many members on here who said the same things as you, yet they now see and understand where the Trauma came from originally.

Being honest with yourself as to what has happened is the first step to take.

Amethist

 

[Athene]

Thanks both :)

I have been accused of being greek before because of my choice of nick Jennie but I am definitely a Celt....I just identify with the aspects of that particular member of the pantheon...I also identify with mystique from the x-man hence the disconnect between avatar and nick ;)

Anyway there is nothing wrong with taking a shine to me I am a goddess after all :rolleyes:

The bipolar diagnosis came because at a time of extreme stress at work and in my personal life I was struggled to sleep, had racing thoughts, was irritable etc so given I had a history of depression, my mum was bipolar that was the easiest diagnosis... so now any time I am overly positive about something or have an 'innaproriate' emotional reaction it is put down to bipolar....even if none of the medication ever worked. I'm not embarrased of or averse to this diagnosis it just never really fit like a badly tailored jacket.

My therapist isn't someone who is really into labels... but she has been concentrating on getting me to listen to what my body and mind are trying to tell me when I react to something and as we work through things and as I start to be more honest with myself I discover my behaviour has a source.

As I said I have worked with severely traumatised people in the past, I also trained as a soldier when younger so PTSD is no stranger to me... I am wary of self diagnosis but the 'jacket' fits an awful lot better and I have explained my history in the discussion forum which explains why I might not want people wandering what my 'trauma' was.

(Sorry I have a real thing for analogies and inverted commas...hope that doesn't annoy anyone)

 

[anni]

Hi Athene,

Celt here also.

Please do not feel you've annoyed anyone, or even been intrusive for just being here. It's cool I realize you have not been dianosed, but seem to be working on and through an awful lot of pain and traumas. There are a ton of great articles in the 'lbrary' here, as well as old threads to tool around in, to make you feel like you're not 'the only one', you know? You'll at least see that an awful lot of members have been misdiagnosed or someone did that 'thing' where the professionals sort of double-diagnosed them. Somewhere Anthony has an article on exactly that and it's worth a read.It's helpful plus comforting-how many diagnosis the professionals could have spared us since they're already 'inside' the PTSD diagnosis. There's also a greatttt article on self-diagnosis, which Anthony also wrote. I'd tried to help with that at one point, failing abysmally because I have a terrible, terrible time with navigating anything in the tech world but researched enough to know, well-as the title says it's not an option, really.PLEASE do not take that as a critisicm-it sort of takes responsibility from you, truly. Perhaps go find the article, you'll see! :) Also will no doubt feel somewhat comforted since I'd have to guess with your traumas you'll be provided with enough information to be able to go get yourself diagnosed-begin a healing path. You deserve this, wow.

I'm a little too distracted and whifty this morning to have been able to read your post incredibly well. That really is a PTSD thing-annoying sometimes.I did wish to say welcome to the forum, and take your time looking around, reading and posting. Amethists reply said it well-much better than me as usual. :)

Take care,

Anni

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Athene, welcome to the forum!

It occurs to me that if 1) being from a loving family 2) being middle class or 3) living in a western democracy individually or in combination made one immune from PTSD... there would be a lot less of it. :)

It sound like you are suffering from guilt about having done your job, and it is getting in the way of acknowledging/dealing with whatever your circumstances/reactions are. I don't know whether you acted in a way that rightly caused guilt or not. I DO know that the function of guilt is not to screw up your life, but to act as a wake up call/call to restorative action. Guilt that is motivating and short lived is most often appropriate guilt. Guilt that is paralyzing and lasts a long time is most often misplaced or being misunderstood. In any case, I am finding it hard to imagine being on the gov't side of asylum hearings and NOT being traumatized by that alone. I hope this helps.

Also, a healthy respect for the use/mention distinction (as demonstrated by your use of inverted commas) is totally admirable in my book! ;)

 

[Iam]

Welcome to the forum Athene. I've got to say I love your sense of humor! I think many with PTSD compare traumas in our own minds and convince ourselves that "our trauma isn't so bad. Other's have it worse so I have no right to complain, let alone admit I have PTSD". It seems to me to be a pretty common way to avoid a dx that nobody in their "right mind" (yes and oxymoron!) wants to have!

It took me a long time to agree with my T that I had PTSD. Once I finally did, the truly hard work began. PTSD therapy is the toughest thing I have ever done, but it is so very well worth it. I wish I had been able to get help decades ago.

I totally understand not wanting to talk about your traumas. Sounds like you don't want to be viewed as a victim and probably don't even want to admit that you were. That is a strong point and has probably gotten you far. being victimized in the past doesn't mean you are a victim now or that you don't have to take responsibility for how you handle yourself. Problem is, you have to deal with the core issues of your trauma/traumas if you want to be free from it/them. To do that, you have to admit that you were a victim of whatever traumas you endured. That doesn't make you weak. In fact you are strong or you wouldn't have survived!
I guess what I am saying, if your T thinks you have PTSD then, as Anthony once told me, "you probably do have PTSD and when you are ready to admit it, you'll be ready to work on it." Actually he wasn't quite that easy in the way he said it to me (I needed a kick in the butt), but it does get the point across.

I'm glad you found the forum Athene. You'll find nonjudgmental support here from other's who understand what you are going thru. There is much information on the wiki pages that you will find helpful as well.

Welcome again. I look forward to getting to know you!