Grieving Losses In Childhood

[BloomInWinter]

"Largely unrecognized is the necessity and value of grieving for other kinds of losses besides those associated with actual death. A common denominator for adult survivors of childhood abuse and neglect are less tangible, but nonetheless significant losses of hope, of innocence, of love and of joy. For adult survivors, the losses that accompany child maltreatment, are cloaked in silence, lost in the shrouds of history, and largely unrecognized. But these “little deaths” linger as unremoved splinters in the survivor’s psyche for decades. In general, the expression of grief for these losses is unaccepted, rejected, denied and stigmatized.

Child neglect represents particular challenges for the adult survivor because victims must grieve for things they never had, and thus never had the chance to lose."
Source: http://www.sanctuaryweb.com/PDFs_new/Bloom The grief that dare not speak its name.pdf

The grief of just what I never had to even lose is hitting me hard these days.

How do we go through grieving all the losses? Each 'self-awareness' gain in learning about myself seems to come with heavy baggage of the new awareness of what losses are a part of it.

This is a lifelong journey, no doubt.

 

[Abrasky]

Interesting article. Thanks for the read.

I like how they say that

"Largely unrecognized is the necessity and value of grieving for other kinds of losses besides those associated with actual death. A common denominator for adult survivors of childhood abuse and neglect are less tangible, but nonetheless significant losses of hope, of innocence, of love and of joy.

I'm starting to realise the personality traits that come out in a person after being through an abusive family environment have multiplied my grief to simple things. I had a gentle personality before I was 19 which ignored my dad as I knew he was an idiot, but listened to my mum as I was in denial about her. I dealt with her abuse without much pain and anger. But when I was attacked when I was 19, my gentle personality dissappeared and half of the time I was gentle, but half of the time I had this split personality mood which was a bit of an ###hole. That personality couldn't deal with my mothers emotional blackmail to control me and the anger and pain multiplied huge amounts. I think different personalities feel pain and grief differently. Better not to have an ##hole personality to come up I concluded as they tend to feel grief and anger in toxic amounts that I can't deal with.

I am thinking of you with your epic grief. Know you aren't alone. Lots of other people are going through this too.

I wondered what they could do to stop this, and a lot of people say early intervention, but I had a bit of early intervention. My kindergarten teacher took care of me for a few weeks. She is where my gentle personality came from and why I am the black sheep of my family. So she was sort of an intervention.

But in unhealthy familys, the gentle person is seen as weak, an outcast, and in my experience my rougher family had all taken it in turns to systemically abuse my gentle personality out of me. So what may be an intervention may end up causing attachment issues, as the child is left to be raised alone in a family which are a bunch of people the child doesn't feel they belong to any more. Maybe the child overcompensates this by having way to much family loyalty and pretend to be someone else in order to just survive. I have been temporarily splitting for a lot longer than my PTSD. Splitting is a survival strategy.

It becomes a strength if you can use it to survive, and as soon as you get out of home, start being yourself again. But then you get attacked as your family see your personality getting out of control again and you not being like a "borg" member of the family, you split but it is permanent. And this splitted self is not temporary. It can not change back like before, and you are stuck. This personality feels differently. It muliplies grief and pain and anger as the stopping mechanism isn't there anymore until finally it just cracks it. It times what your mother did by 1000 compared to your last personality and then you want to destroy things. That's my experience anyway.

 

[olaja]

I remember a day recently when I had a small realization about what I missed. It was like I had the wind knocked out of me as I began to realize the extent of the damage. I hope the self-awareness comes in small doses like this. If I had to feel it all at once I would surely explode!

 

[AngelaMarie]

I am not sure why it is, Bloom, but when I was talking to people in the psychiatry film it seemed to be well-known that 40's seem to be a traumatic time?! I have watched people through my life and it does seem to be true. I don't know your exact age, but mine is 46. I noticed that as I got older I seem to remember more and feel a lot of feelings and devastation that I didn't have when I was younger. I sure don't know why!:confused::eek:

 

[Srain]

Seems very true, AngelaMarie, I "maintained" until I was in my early 40's and then could not go further...it was a slaughterhouse in my brain .... I was done. I have surrendered to the fact it all has taken it's toll.

The issue of grieving is something I have done in stages with each individual in my past and am still in the process.

If it weren't for those that have crossed my path to take up certain roles the process would be far more heartbreaking. But what where I could and should have been allowed to go in my life was something that was and is very sad given what was at my disposal. I believe the process is vital to recovery, personally.

peace,
Rain

 

[maddog]

Gosh, how very timely this is for me. Just recentlyI have been struggling with the reality of grieving the loss of things you never had. How can this be so, I wonder? How do you miss what you have never had or known? Because... somehow, you just can. We are biologically wired to need and to yearn for certain things, and to feel their loss, sooner or later, when we don't have them. They are things like acceptance, love, protection, safety, guidance, security and validation. And then there are the tangible things, like a safe home, a loving family, sharing times of togetherness, the simple joys of normal life.

I miss them bitterly right now, with a grief that is different to anything I have ever known. Logic reminds me this is probably normal and healthy, but be damned if it feels that way.

Maddog

 

[AngelaMarie]

(((maddog)))

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Maze)))))) - I think the splitting is just too severe to hope for much. The grief feels like a life lived in twilight all the days.

Yes....my 40's, the duality I maintained just crashed. I'm in my early 40's now. (((((AngelaMarie)))))

(((((Rain)))))......Slaughterhouse. That's it, exactly.

 

[Abrasky]

My therapist says the pain has got to come out. I guess this is what the grief is all about. Grief to me feels like getting sucked into a well where I alternate between not feeling any emotions and numb to having intense emotions that I can't bare.

 

[Srain]

(((((((((((((Maze)))))))))))))))

 

[a3a2]

This is so timely for me. I wish someone could give me a manual on this very topic. I feel lost.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((a3a2))))))