((((((Mercy))))))
I know where you are coming from as I have the same problem with my sons. How old is your daughter? My sons are 20 and 22 and I no longer do their washing or their bedding, nor do I go into their rooms. They want clean clothes they do their own!
I agree with Bloom in that you do have to remove yourself from the aggression as soon as possible. I tend to go to my room, calmly and quietly, I never storm out. At first I thought it was letting them get away with it and that I'd lost but my therapist taught me that I don't have to attend every argument that I was invited to and that my lads were spoiling for a fight (too much testosterone) and I was an easy target. They took their frustrations out on me and if I stayed to fight it out they were quite happy to continue to have a go at me.
Now I remove myself from the situation and they are getting the message that Mum won't listen to their whining any more.
My therapist taught me what he calls the 'drama triangle.' Basically, because I was always bullied I was always the victim but it can lead to all kinds of trouble. Here is the simple triangle he shared with me:
Basically it works like this:
The bully wants a victim.
The rescuer wants a victim.
The victim might initially be attracted to the bully (bully doesn't show his true colours initially or victim is repeating a pattern of behaviour).
The rescuer (who is often a past victim) then tries to rescue the victim and ends up bullying the bully.
The bully then becomes the victim.
It's a bit complicated but all it means is that it is a repetitive cycle of behaviour and the only way to stop it is to step out of it. If, when our kids get aggressive with us, we retaliate shouting back then we end up as aggressive as they are. It goes for other people who attack us verbally or otherwise, we have to step out of it and break the cycle.
I also do not intervene when my lads are fighting and arguing, I let them sort it out as they are both adults and even when they do the 'Mum, tell him!' I say no and walk away. More often than not they then get upset with me but I'm either in my room, the bath or have left the house so it doesn't matter. They have always calmed down by the time I get back.
Not as easy with a younger child but you can still separate yourself and should do otherwise you reinforce bad behaviour and as Bloom said you cannot accept the whining, blaming or the negative feelings she provokes in you. She loves you but kids always know our weaknesses and will use them against us. And if you threaten a punishment (like saying she has to get her own food for a while) always carry it out otherwise she will know you do not mean what you say. (Leave punishments until you are calm and never threaten when you are angry).
Much easier said than done but non of us are perfect and we all get it wrong from time to time. I still fall for their cunning and end up fighting with them but it is getting better.
Hope this helps. x
