Guess I've Blown It (relationship)

[TLight]

Yup..........but I don't think I can take care of these people. Their old, their horses are OUT of control spoiled, I cleaned stalls with the trainer today and it was dangerous. I'd be taking care of sweet old people, at least a change from my biological parents! But it's going to be a big committment.

Right now..I just need to hide, sleep, keep suicidal thoughts away. I don't know....really sweet woman, really undisciplined horses and BIG. Hanoverians. I'm wasted. Plus spending all day with the trainer who is 'hitting' on me. I plan out flat said; NO MEN in my life EVER. He was so disappointed.

I'm so tired, achy in my bones, internal organs, spiritually spent to the max. Hiding from my husband in my room. Alone.

Don't know what to do. I can't take care of anyone else. I can't even take care of myself.

 

[TLight]

So husband stopped by these people's place and said I'm her husband and she needs a break from me, but she can only do so much work. If you need a handyman, I am availiable. They were all for it. I'll clean stalls and deal with the horses, he can be on call for everything else.

The old lady wants an arena built and wants to get back in business. She asked me to look at some paperwork she paid a company to do grant applications. Sort of a rip off........I've written hundreds of them, but I got her back on track with them (sent in paperwork) since she'd already paid them $2800. She also said she like me to eventually show her horses if I'd like.

So the 'anonoymous angel' email person who gave me these people's number when I advertised for a room or trailer for rent where I could possibly keep my horse has continued to email me to find out what is going on.
This morning, she has called me a con artist, that me and my rich husband are ripping these people off, and that the old lady will work me to death and not pay me. This email woman is all about; "I'm an angel, don't mention my name, I just want you to have a place with your horse, I don't want any money, etc etc." Now she is calling some 'Cindy' woman and telling the old lady my husband and I are con artists looking to take their money.

I'm so sick of humans. I'm heavily triggered this morning after waking feeling pretty good about going and cleaning stalls and putting my bedding in the RV, then going to Riley to take care of him and getting started on a writing project. I was feeling better about my husband cause now he has a handyman job and he's excited about it.

Evil has stepped in......I'm actually afraid this anonymous angel is going to call the cops! I'm very triggered.

In less than two weeks I've decided that living with my husband is too triggering while he is in transisition, paid $1100 for a room to rent.....that got stolen, now I'm being accused of being a con artist!

Suicidal thoughts are back with a rampage. I'm hiding in bed.

I HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG! I WAS PLAYING IT BY EAR, NOT MOVING INTO THE RV YET, THANKFUL MY HUSBAND HAD A HANDYMAN JOB HE LIKED, AND WORKING THERE EVERYDAY.........NOW I'M A PREDATOR?

I f*cking hate all humans. Never once a good experience. Not once. Victimized again and again and again. Supported men during serious nervous breakdowns, flashbacks, no sleep.......yeah, I'm triggered.

I can't take anymore. REally, I can't.

 

[NIKI]

Oh Tlight, I am so sorry all this is happening. Why can't people mind their own business! I don't trust people either, don't like them. I don't deal with many people in real life, got rid of all the mean, hurtful people so that left no one. Ha! For real, not kidding.

I"m glad your husband is working! Bet it helps your feelings toward him. It would help me.

I don't understand why this lady is calling you a con artist...WEIRD.

That was so good of your husband to step in to help you, knowing that you couldn't handle all that work by yourself. That is a REALLY good step for him on helping your relationship. Which I hope gets healed.

 

[TLight]

What is up with people? Especially when they hide behind God? This lady is so weird it is truly freakin me out. She won't stop sending nasty emails and I haven't figured out how to block her as yet.......

I'm very tired. But I took care of the horses today. That's my focus. They don't turn on you.

 

[TLight]

URghh..,.worked hard all morning around these 'strangers.' Now I'm in the camper..........freezing, crying.

My husband seems to think this is best for me. What a jerk. I paid my way, cooked and cleaned, showed love like I'd like to have in return, now: abandoned because he's a selfish jerk. I just can't even believe it.

I'm so scared and terrified and I feel so alone and punished for what? Thrown in the psyche ward by him cause I called him a coward one night.

Heavenly Father.......I hate people. I don't deserve any of this. It's because of other people's selfishness, the beatings, the sexual abuse, the prolonged torture, the men living off me, losing my career.

Here I am. A complete loser living in a cold trailer outside some complete strangers house.

I'm 46. How many times have I been shoved back into survival? About a million it seems.

My T emailed and said 'don't think of it as evil coming at you, just life is hard sometimes, be strong and make a $100 appt". Whatever

 

[anthony]

Atleast you are getting your rage out in healthy ways right now... that is a good sign! If you make it through this without hitting anyone, or doing any type of damage to another or such, then that shows positive reinforcement to all your prior self work.

Relationships go to shit... it's a part of life. Unfortunately, it is now happening to you. If you have gotten through it before, you will get through it again.