Hello, I'll call myself Ron for now. Reading some stories from others on here has been helpful and I thought I would share my experience as much as possible. I'm a 26 year old male and still struggle with the impacts of terrible memories and guilt from abuse that occurred when I was 11 until almost 15.
I was barely into puberty when it started. Someone who was about 4 years older and who I considered a friend up until this point took advantage of my innocence as I was very sheltered from anything sexual before this happened. Our parents were members at the same church and we were both in a youth group. It started out with him asking to touch and I kept saying no but he persisted and was a big guy (over 6') even for his age.
Eventually I gave into it because of fear, he then introduced me to porn and masturbation treating it like it was something new that I needed to experience. Many of the acts with him happened at my parents house where I still live now while they were in bed asleep. They used to have a couch bed in the front room and that's where we would spend the night. He recognized that I really could not maintain an erection at first so he would just put his hand there and leave it for a while and tell me to do the same to him. Then after some time had passed with this he began doing oral acts on me. Every time after he finished he would look a little scared and ask if I was going to tell my parents, which I never did.
It went on for four years before I finally realized how messed up things were and cut off all contact. During and for a couple of years after it stopped I would seclude myself and self-abuse and masturbate obsessively with incredible feelings of shame and guilt about it. I fell into a deep depression and could barely talk to anyone, even family members. My parents tried to get help for me at the time but I could hardly speak to the therapist and gave up out of frustration.
Eventually I feel that the stress from all of this was probably a factor in my developing Crohn's disease when I was 17. My mother was very supportive and helpful during this time but she was unaware of the abuse. I improved slowly physically and mentally with great effort from family and a couple of friends and have recently managed to get a Bachelor's in computer science from a good school. Finding a good job hasn't happened yet and I have very few friends or connections so I've taken a job delivering pizzas while doing freelance computer work.
I have gone to my first 'real' therapy session now for depression and anxiety problems that have been recurring. I say real because it's the first time I've made a really strong effort to talk things out with a therapist. So far all she knows is that I've been through a lot of health related trauma.
It doesn't feel safe to trust anyone with this, even a someone who I know is a professional and has heard stories like it before. Even before this happened I was always someone who was very shy and socially anxious growing up. Looking back at it I know that I must have been a very easy target for this type of abuse.
This is the first time I've ever written anything out about this that I can remember. Some of the initial pain and guilt has faded now but it was suppressed so much at first that it has become part of my personality and I feel stunted my ability to develop any meaningful relationships with people close to my age.
As I'm going through therapy I hope that I will eventually be able to open up about all of this. I've also read some about EMDR therapy and want to look into finding someone that does it.
I was barely into puberty when it started. Someone who was about 4 years older and who I considered a friend up until this point took advantage of my innocence as I was very sheltered from anything sexual before this happened. Our parents were members at the same church and we were both in a youth group. It started out with him asking to touch and I kept saying no but he persisted and was a big guy (over 6') even for his age.
Eventually I gave into it because of fear, he then introduced me to porn and masturbation treating it like it was something new that I needed to experience. Many of the acts with him happened at my parents house where I still live now while they were in bed asleep. They used to have a couch bed in the front room and that's where we would spend the night. He recognized that I really could not maintain an erection at first so he would just put his hand there and leave it for a while and tell me to do the same to him. Then after some time had passed with this he began doing oral acts on me. Every time after he finished he would look a little scared and ask if I was going to tell my parents, which I never did.
It went on for four years before I finally realized how messed up things were and cut off all contact. During and for a couple of years after it stopped I would seclude myself and self-abuse and masturbate obsessively with incredible feelings of shame and guilt about it. I fell into a deep depression and could barely talk to anyone, even family members. My parents tried to get help for me at the time but I could hardly speak to the therapist and gave up out of frustration.
Eventually I feel that the stress from all of this was probably a factor in my developing Crohn's disease when I was 17. My mother was very supportive and helpful during this time but she was unaware of the abuse. I improved slowly physically and mentally with great effort from family and a couple of friends and have recently managed to get a Bachelor's in computer science from a good school. Finding a good job hasn't happened yet and I have very few friends or connections so I've taken a job delivering pizzas while doing freelance computer work.
I have gone to my first 'real' therapy session now for depression and anxiety problems that have been recurring. I say real because it's the first time I've made a really strong effort to talk things out with a therapist. So far all she knows is that I've been through a lot of health related trauma.
It doesn't feel safe to trust anyone with this, even a someone who I know is a professional and has heard stories like it before. Even before this happened I was always someone who was very shy and socially anxious growing up. Looking back at it I know that I must have been a very easy target for this type of abuse.
This is the first time I've ever written anything out about this that I can remember. Some of the initial pain and guilt has faded now but it was suppressed so much at first that it has become part of my personality and I feel stunted my ability to develop any meaningful relationships with people close to my age.
As I'm going through therapy I hope that I will eventually be able to open up about all of this. I've also read some about EMDR therapy and want to look into finding someone that does it.
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