Guilty! guilty! guilty!

[Deleted member 47384]

Anyone know how to tackle feelings of guilt? The intense, debilitating kinda guilt that gets in the way of getting things done?

I feel guilty and horrible for everything. It's getting to the point where it's completely exhausting. I feel the need to apologize for everything, it's like a verbal tick. There are times when I can feel myself slipping down into a hole of guilt and wanting to stop it, but I just can't.

Right now, I'm 100% dependent on my boyfriend. It was his choice from the get-go - he comes from a wealthy family, and was able to snag a good career. I'm currently not working due to my physical and mental health. It was my boyfriend's idea for me to take a break, to focus on recovery, which he's been paying for since my health insurance went away. Aside from paying for my therapy sessions, he's bought me books, and even accompanied me to a session so that he could better understand my condition, and how he can help. He's done all of this without asking for a single thing in return.

I don't owe him sex, I'm not expected to cook or clean (though I do to the best of my ability). He doesn't ever hold it against me, or use it as a "gotcha" to win disagreements or pressure me into doing things. I'm so, so incredibly lucky to be in this position. I wish I could just accept it for what it is, and feel grateful without being so bogged down by the guilt of it all.

I come from a poor family, with VERY antiquated ideas of gender roles, and how a man is supposed to treat "his woman". My boyfriend, despite being our sole source of income, treats me as his equal. He's never raised his voice or hit me. I feel like I'm being spoiled, and it's turning into a cycle where I'm so paralyzed by it that I can't do anything productive to feel like I'm earning my keep.

Or, when I do get things done, I stress about how I didn't get more things done. It's like it never stops. I've completely broken down over not finishing a load of laundry. It's ridiculous.

TL;DR: How do I push passed feelings of guilt and just accept the good things that happen to me, without freaking out over how much I don't deserve it?

 

[grit]

I am sorry you are struggling with this. I am wondering if this feeling is beyond your b/f and you are aware of this. Like this is from you trauma past etc. I ask that because you noted you do not owe sex and he does not hit you which are very bare minimum things for a healthy relationship.

Maybe first, just using language, place the guilt in its rightful place: either it is related to the boyfriend and your subconscious is over working (which it does not sound like) or the guilt is from the past and you are globalizing it to include your b/f.

Do you talk to him and express you feel guilty? and does this conversation take the edge off? or are you afraid to tell him you feel guilty he is taking care of you? and could that fear and its base be explored with your therapist?

 

[Deleted member 47384]

That's a good point, actually. I always knew these feelings stemmed from my past - and how I was taught relationships were "supposed" to work - but I never actually connected the two things that way. I'll definitely bring that up with my therapist later today.

I talk to him about my guilt a lot. Sometimes it helps, but I often feel like I'm stuck. No matter how much he assures me that it's all okay, that he loves me, that I'm not a big waste of resources, it just won't sink in. It drives me nuts! Lately I've been talking about it less with him, because I don't want to bog him down with it, because it never seems to help. Maybe I'll try to just frame the conversation in a different way, somehow. I know he wants to help, and I want to accept his help, but there's just something blocking my path and I don't totally understand just what it is.

Thanks so much!

 

[Ronin]

Is there a way to reframe the whole Waste of resources thought train?

To how spending those resources on you is actually healthy, benefiting, and contributing to something you consider good? (Or, where not clicking as you having value and those things for you not being for something good, maybe look at how it is not a waste in general, not just about you.

Such as, he is getting to know where his boundaries are for what, how he wants to spend his free time, what interests him in education and treating people, the therapists you are seeing get to do their jobs and hopefully something they like doing, and do it well, the books bought being a benefit to the whole book industry, and so on.)

 

[Swift]

I dunno that I can help with the underlying feelings, but I can share what worked to turn the volume of the guilt down.

When I'm in a relationship with someone who treats me well, I feel like I don't deserve it, that they should be spending their time and effort on someone better, that I don't bring enough to the table, yada yada.

An ex introduced me to the concept of love languages - we all express love differently. This helped me understand why she did things I saw as totally overboard, because she saw them as showing me she loved me in a way that was as normal as breathing to her. It also helped me show my appreciation for her in ways that mattered to her the most. It helped my guilt to understand that she was doing things because it came naturally, not because she was trying to spoil me. I've had some spectacularly shitty people in my life, so being treated well feels foreign, and I then feel guilty.

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with @Ronin and @Swift . Though I think the Love Languages is a bit too simplified, we all do what is within our means and capacity, and relevant to the context of the relationship, and needs. Though we all have a preference as to what we value most to receive, even that changes at times,and sometimes we give time, or attention, or gifts, or affirmation, or physical touch, or what have you, to others. It's relevant to the moment and context. All of them say, you are worth it, provided they are honestly and sincerely and freely given. He knows your need and he's trying to meet it.

I truly do believe, if you have little @Dazey but give it back sincerely surely he will know your gratitude. And for his part, if he has the means it is his right to spend what he works for on you if that's what his heart desires- to invest in you, and your relationship together. Because the healthier you each/ both are, the greater the likelihood your relationship will last, and that you will have more joy. Undoubtedly I would guess he knows (or hopes) it will help you suffer less, regardless of everything else (if he loves you, which his actions seem to show).

So as much as it doesn't change the not-worthy feeling, you can't entirely hold that and true gratitude concurrently, or it sort of insults his intelligence and choice. Much depends I think, on how willing or able you are to let him influence your perspective on yourself. He is concluding you are worth it, and actions mean a lot.

JMHO though.

Welcome to you, and I wish you well with your healing. :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

I was just reading about this.

There is generally an ambivalence towards attachment and dependency for traumatized folks like us, particularly survivors of child abuse.

It stems from the distortion we don't have needs, hence no well wishes for ourselves.
Makes us believe we have no desires of dependency.

If you think about it, every existing thing is dependent on reality and peers of sorts.

When our attachments are broken, we don't feel part of the existing or perceived reality.

Maybe some grounding and feelings of belonging would help.

Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 47384]

I haven't had the energy to come and reply here these last few days, but thank you everyone for your advice! I really really appreciate it ?

 

[Tinyflame]

Totally agree with @Sietz 's explanation.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi @Dazey - your boyfriend sounds amazing. So I am thinking you must have a lot going for you that he see's and obviously you cannot see in yourself right now.

I feel the need to apologize for everything, it's like a verbal tick. There are times when I can feel myself slipping down into a hole of guilt and wanting to stop it, but I just can't.

I agree with other's who have commented on why you may feel the guilt.

I suggest maybe you make a conscious effort to turn the guilt into gratitude and feel the simple joy of receiving something given in love. You must be very dear to him and he wants you to get well.

Don't let it all cripple you if this assistance he is giving you doesn't have insidious conditions attached. Use it to get well and enjoy your relationship and your life.