Guy struggling with flashbacks during sex, issues in longterm relationship, EMDR, and feeling alone

[george1234]

Hi,
This is my first time posting anything online about this but i feel so alone right now i need some sort of community who i can talk to and who will understand.
Im a 20 year old male, who experienced sexual abuse as a child. I only really started getting symptoms of PTSD during my early teens many years later. I kind of avoided anything sexual throughout school, so hadnt discovered my worst tigger until University, which is sex.
My first time was so embarrassing and immasculating, with me just having flashbacks and dissociating with no explanation. This not only makes me really insecure but scares me for my future.
Since then, I have gotten an amazingly supportive girlfriend and she wants to help as much as possible. We get by, and have been dating for nearly 2 years, but obviously, since she is 21, she requires a sex life. I get flashbacks so regularly now neither of us are really enjoying sex, with her just comforting me and me trying to continue for her. Its so demoralizing. Its lead to me smoking weed and drinking far too much, with other stuff here and there. Ive become dependant on them to stop overthinking my situation.
Ive done EMDR for a long period during my teens but restarted recently as I cant see a future relationship being possible if we continue like this. Im currently trying an intensive 4 weeks, with 2-3 sessions a week. Its really really hard, and i cant see improvement, and since my girlfriend is away for a month, im struggling alone with no one to talk to. My friends, who i have started isolating myself from, are guy's guys and wouldnt understand or be capable of talking rationally to me about this kind of stuff. I feel so alone as I know no other victims, especially guys. Ive been really depressed this summer, but need to get out of it.
I was just hoping someone out there might be able to make me not feel so alone. Has anyone struggled with sex and ptsd in a longterm relationship? Are there any male victims who also stuggle with sex, if so what did you do? Im just so lost and need someone who understands to help, as I cant depend on drugs and alcohol to ignore it.

 

[somerandomguy]

You're going to find a lot of people here on this board, and many guys, who relate. While I'm a guy, I personally haven't been through child sexual abuse like most non-veteran males with PTSD. But as a survivor of adult sexual abuse who is currently in a long term relationship, I do understand what you're going through now in your relationship.

Besides the EMDR, are you in other therapy? I don't find that EMDR is as helpful to people who haven't undergone intensive trauma therapy beforehand. I spent a year in intense, grueling trauma therapy, and while it was hard, it grounded me enough for the EMDR to be effective. I don't think starting with EMDR would have done me any good. Just my opinion. If you're undergoing intensive EMDR and not seeing results, it might be time to try something different.

And that goes double if you are finding yourself abusing substances to deal with your issues. It's a very common thing among us male survivors. In the short term, you might feel better for a couple of hours, but in the long run, it's completely destructive and will cost you everything you hold dear.

I also struggle with feeling emasculated when it comes to sex. But I try to remind myself there are only two people there in the bedroom. If my partner isn't emasculating me, it must be me doing it to myself. And my sexuality has been altered by my abuse, so it's not my fault. It's not your fault either.

I hope you are continuing to communicate with your girlfriend about what's going on with you. Ultimately, she's not going to be able to help you, but she needs to know you're trying to help yourself. Whether you are or not, she's going to need that information to decide if she wants to remain in a relationship with you.

Welcome to the forums. This is a place where you can reach out for help to other people who've been there. If I can help beyond this post, please let me know.

 

[Wendell_R]

Welcome! I had emotionally distant parents and was surrounded by lots of alcohol and sex. I picked up a lot of mixed up messages about sexuality. I dissociated my first time having intercourse at age 19. I went through college being terrified of sexuality and dating, and ended up with a wife that didn't want to have anything to do with me sexually. To my mind, that actually seemed to be what I expected at the time. I didn't find my way to a therapist until late in life. It took a few tries before finding the right path, but I can tell you for me that I have found a good path.

I agree with @somerandomguy that EMDR is most effective with lots of other trauma work. I did a LOT of prep work with my trauma therapist before doing EMDR, and we still do a lot of other intense work in addition to the EMDR. My first question is how much "resourcing" have you done in the EMDR work? Do you have lots of safe people and/or safe places to call in when the EMDR gets tough? Building an inner life of safety is a huge, important step in feeling safe enough to enjoy sexuality.

I have some immediate thoughts about sexuality and your girlfriend. Try taking a huge step back and find out what does work sexually for you and stop trying to do what doesn't work. Are there some activities that are sexual but that don't trigger you? I actually have really fond memories of a fundamentalist Christian girlfriend that I would give oral sex to, while I still had my clothes on. That was really arousing to me because I wasn't triggered.

Glad you are here, sorry you are in a tough spot.

 

[HealingMama]

Hi, I have dissociative reactions in sex frequently and it is a struggle. I also fall into these shame places and my partner has to comfort me. You aren't alone. It's hard. I feel bad for him. I feel bad for you. It's especially hard to get CSA support as a male.

 

[Cypress]

Try taking a huge step back and find out what does work sexually for you and stop trying to do what doesn't work. Are there some activities that are sexual but that don't trigger you?

As another survivor of CSA here, this worked for me too. I learned that I was less triggered when I changed the environment: time of day, lighting, sound, place, etc. all made a big difference. I had not been aware of how my body was triggered by subtle things like that. At first, I could only have sex outside, in the morning, with only natural sounds in the background and keeping clothes on as much as possible. This led to lots of camping trips with my very enthusiastic boyfriend.

There may also be innocuous things your partner says, does or even wears that are triggering you without realizing it. You might be surprised. My boyfriend had a watch that was just like my abuser's, he had to stop wearing it.

Follow your body on this one, when does your internal threat detector start to get activated?

 

[Wendell_R]

when I changed the environment

I think this has the added benefit that we learn that we can be in charge of our sexuality.