Had A Night Out And Had Fun. Crashed Big Time After. Is This "normal"?

[ragdoll]

A few weeks back I caught up with some old school friends whom I hadn't seen in 26 years. At first I was hesitant to catch up with them, but with my husband's support I went.
None of my old friends know the circumstances I have been through the last 5 years which caused my PTSD. They are not aware of the struggle and challenges I have been facing these last 15 months coming to terms with this illness,
The event was at a pub in the city - 3 hrs away from my home town. I found putting on my mask of coping and a few drinks (not a good thing with medication) got me through. I danced, I laughed, I loved.
I even dealt with the loud music (noises trigger me - especially in confined spaces). Felt like part of the old me was there again.
The next day I was very tired (3am morning) but coped. Obviously in a zombie way. LOL
Arrived home late the next evening and dealt with settling our 3 children etc.
The next day - WHOA. I became very hypervigilant/hyperaroused and anxious. A full on panic attack engulfed me. Nightmares returned. All I could think about was how loud the music was and I was back in my place of hell. No amount of mindfullness, relaxation or self talk could sooth me. This lasted for a couple of days. Even extra doses of Ativan didn't help.
It has taken me this long to query if this is a normal reaction when first attempting to socialise (each time I thought of posting, I triggered - holding it together now). Did I melt down because I was back in my safety zone of my home? Will I be stuck in this Land of Lost forever??? How do I keep the lines of friendship open and meet at the pub again in the future without going to the Place of Hell again??
Confused as usual...............:confused:

 

[SimplyComplex]

I am no expert, but just from what I learned might be that the day following, you can now anticipate extra troubles and instead of just heading back into regular life, you might need some extra self care. Just to get your baseline of arousal down. Also, it might be that you need to also anticipate and leave at 1am after 2 drinks, or something along those lines. It seems like it could be something you can do, but with extra planning. What do you think?

 

[angel2write]

Yeah, I would say this is really normal. You could think of it as pushing too hard on a half-healed wound. You used your medication and alcohol to get through a social situation that was very stressful for you. And then, when the numbness/coping wore off... the pain came lashing back through.

I know as I heal from the PTSD and push my boundaries, there always seems to be this emotional backlash. Coming to expect it and developing better ways to handle it is part of the process of recovery.

You did good!
(hugs)
Angel

 

[Nemone]

Well, I've always been a bit like that too I think. I tend to think of it that good things cause just as much stress as bad things. Even though it's a positive thing, it still makes you excited, gets your adrenaline pumping, your heart beating fast. If the bad stressors are like going on a roller coaster that you're worried is going to fall apart then the good things are like going on a safer one and enjoying the thrill. Different feelings, same roller coaster.

 

[ragdoll]

it might be that you need to also anticipate and leave at 1am after 2 drinks, or something along those lines. It seems like it could be something you can do, but with extra planning. What do you think?

Thanks - Extra planning is definitely the key. :tup: I was pretty foolish to stay out so late as I know the consequences of doing too much just with day to day living. LOL. I became so rapt up in the moment.
Words of wisdom from this forum and my own common sense reminds me - "baby steps". Just so badly wanted to feel free again....

You used your medication and alcohol to get through a social situation that was very stressful for you. And then, when the numbness/coping wore off... the pain came lashing back through.

I was fooling myself. I was coping by using the easy way out with and not relying on the techniques I've been taught.

You did good!

Thanks - I do feel proud for making the effort. Down on myself for doing it the way I did. Lesson learnt.

If the bad stressors are like going on a roller coaster that you're worried is going to fall apart then the good things are like going on a safer one and enjoying the thrill. Different feelings, same roller coaster.

Exactly ;) Those dips are so frustrating. I wish the rollercoaster would stop so I can enjoy another ride.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Yes, I get this. I am not sure why. When I feel good or have a good time, I panic, like I have lost so many good feelings, and just think there are not any more good feelings left. Then one comes on and it makes me mad almost. Then sad. then guilty. Then rage. It is predictable. And so I try to stay away from people.

It's hard. I am very depressed. But it's harder when I try to be normal.

 

[ragdoll]

It's hard. I am very depressed. But it's harder when I try to be normal.

Whoa - you get me. I am on a real low and have been for too long now.
Trying so hard to be normal and it is breaking me into so many pieces. I feel like a shattered vase. Sometimes I can put the piece back in the right place and all appears to be fine but the cracks are still there. I'm tired of searching for me and tired of trying to deal with PTSD. I'm tired picking up the pieces over and over again.:cry:

I continue regular therapy, comply with my meds, have tried different techniques to bring down my hypervigilance/hyperarousal and I'm still shattering bit by bit.
I was referred to a psychologist for EDMR. Went for 6 sessions and didn't even get near EMDR. She thinks I'm not ready. I feel like I have failed. I know I shouldn't but I do.
I feel like I am failing me - I sit around unmotivated. Managing basic housework for the family to "function".I'm becoming addicted to phone apps and solitaire - I used to hate these type of time wasters. I am beginning to drink again. Not much, but enough to not like it. I am putting on weight. Just plain boring.
Grateful for my family yet I feel like I am failing my husband and my children. Feeling like a waste of space. :cry::cry::cry:

OKRADLAK - apologies for my rambling. It just all came out. Maybe I should have posted this reply under Depression etc?? Hope I haven't broken any rules....

Being "normal" isn't as easy as I thought. Seeing my regular psychologist on 31st and my psychiatrist on 5th Sept. Will let them know how I'm feeling, but in the meantime it sux big time.

Must go. 2.50pm and been in bed all day. Must shower and pick up kids from school by 3.05pm - another thing I've gone back to - procrastinanting doing everday things.......

 

[Karyn]

Hey ragdoll and OKRADLAK, I just wanted to say that I can relate to how you feel - you're not alone (or at least we're alone, together!).
ragdoll don't feel bad about the EMDR - my psychologist wanted to treat me with it, but it felt like I needed to trust her more than I could so I couldn't do it - and that was 4 YEARS ago and I still don't feel comfortable enough to try it!!
Also it's 6.10pm and I am STILL in bed...
I've had similar experiences after going out and having a big high - then having a huge crash afterwards. I think it's normal that we get carried away when we feel like we're free, having huge unstoppable fun for once - it's very easy to do if you are used to having anxiety instead. So we learn a bit and try a bit better next time, to be a bit careful not to overdo it.
I think it's exciting that you put yourself out there in the first place, well done!
Hugs to you both.

 

[ragdoll]

Hey ragdoll and OKRADLAK, I just wanted to say that I can relate to how you feel - you're not alone (or at least we're alone, together!)
ragdoll don't feel bad about the EMDR - my psychologist wanted to treat me with it, but it felt like I needed to trust her more than I could so I couldn't do it - and that was 4 YEARS ago and I still don't feel comfortable enough to try it!!
be a bit careful not to overdo it.

Thanks for your warm and fuzzy comments. Feeling alone is such a big thing to deal with when coping with PTSD. Feeling the love after posting and recieving such positive responses. :inlove:
I so want to do the EMDR. Scared but willing. Maybe down the track....
Went back to bed after dealing with kids after school and having easy tea - boiled googy eggs LOL. Kids come in spasmodicaly to talk, cuddle etc.
Watching a DVD in my sanctuary (bedroom) The Runaways - should be interesting.......

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Ragdoll, I think it was a 'normal' reaction to a stressful occassion.

I had a big night out a couple of months ago. It involved everything I had a problem with, going in a minibus with a driver I didn't know, socialising at a pub, dancing, loud music, crowded room, heat etc. I ensured I had the quickest route outside planned, I took regular breaks going to sit outside and breathe. I also allowed myself the following couple of days to relax and come back down and boy I'm glad I did.

I don't think anyone who isn't affected by PTSD knows what an emotional struggle it is just to deal with day to day stufflet alone nights out. Yours was a huge night with people you hadn't seen for years. Feel very proud you did it and next time put some measures in place.

Take care
KP

 

[ragdoll]

KP - thanks. I did mention to my hubby if it was becoming too much I would nip off to the toilets. I didn't realise at the time how many "toilet breaks" I took. The time we left the pub was about 2am and that was when patrons had to line up to get back in.to the pub!! In hindsight (isn't hindsight a wonderful thing??) I realise I didn't want to be put in that position and reality was sinking in after a few bottles of water, so we called it a night.

I am proud I went out. Just not so proud of the after effects.........It has scared me off to say No to a medievil fest. being held this weekend. Too scared to even attempt an hour. Too overloaded. Maybe next year...Setting limits and boundaries this week... hugs ......((((((TO ALL HELPING ME)))))) :inlove:

 

[Karyn]

Hey,
It's good to know your limits. I did a combination today - cancelled on a friend for lunch, which I felt guilty about, but then instead of beating myself up about it FOREVER (as I tend to do) I managed to go out tonight to a difficult social event where I didn't know many people.
I like your toilet strategy, I've used that one myself - all over the world there must be anxious/PTSD people in the toilets at any given time!!
Well done for going, and I hope you feel better soon.
Look after yourself,
Karyn.