Other Haemolacria UPDATE: migraine, poisoning

[Angrboda]

I wake up everyday with tears streaming down my face. I can't stop crying anymore. I even cry all night in my sleep. But this morning, there was blood in my tears. It wasn't a lot, and I'm pretty sure it's just being caused by irritation. My body isn't supposed to have to cry all day, every day, for over a year. So, not terribly alarming, but it is really weird. I'm curious whether this has ever happened to anyone else. Have you ever cried until your eyes literally started to bleed? Also, is there a way I can make myself stop crying? If my eyes are bleeding I should probably make it stop.

 

[jenkins]

Well when my parents got divorced when I was 5 I cried for 5 days straight and I couldn't stop. I don't know what was going on with me. By day 5 I didn't have any more tears, I think I was getting dehydrated. I didn't blame myself for the divorce, I guess I was just crushed by them splitting apart.

I don't know what to say. I forced myself to shut off my heart. That was a terrible decision. It caused me big problems later in life.

 

[Chris-duck]

I'd probably see your GP about this. Crying alone usually wouldn't cause you to cry blood, could have dried your eyes out a bit causing a tiny tear in your tear ducts but if it doesn't ease up I'd speak to a doc.

 

[Jade-]

A couple of years ago I cried for a week straight.Not while I was asleep,but during the time I was awake.

After about 3 days my eyes started swelling and by day 5 they were swollen shut. I ended up with an eye infection from it.

If you've been crying nonstop for over a year,even while sleeping, I can't imagine how bad your eyes are now. Are they swollen? Dry and infected?

What are you crying about? Are you in therapy? If so,what has your therapist suggested or done about you constantly crying?

Are you literally crying nonstop and have been over a year or are you figuratively speaking?

 

[Angrboda]

It's not figurative. Sometimes it stops for a few hours during the day, until he comes home, but as soon as he comes in it starts again. I don't usually wake up until about two in the afternoon because I can't sleep very well, and he gets home around six. I'll cry for awhile after I wake up even if he isn't here. Otherwise, I have tears running down my face most of the time. My eyes don't really get swollen anymore, though, at least not like they used to. I guess my body adapted or something. He won't let me see a therapist. Someone called the police one day because I was crying too loudly and they were worried, and the police called someone from the crisis center. She said she would set me up with a counselor to come to my house when he isn't here, but when I called them they said they don't come to people's homes. I'm too afraid of him to go outside. He was getting bad before Christine died, but now he's gotten even worse. She was his friend, but she was my friend, too, so she would've believed me if I'd talked to her. Now there's no one to believe me, and he's so much worse. I e-mailed the woman at the crisis center and asked if there was someone else I could call. I told her I'm not safe here with him. She never answered me. He's here now, but he's doing that thing where he just sits in the corner and acts like I don't exist and won't answer me when I speak. And I'm crying.

 

[Jade-]

I guess you have 2 options.You can cry all the time or get the f$ck outta there when he's not there.

Nobody can do it for you though.

 

[Chris-duck]

I told her I'm not safe here with him

I just read your previous posts, you've been saying you're unsafe with him for three months plus now. So, a million suggestions were offered in your previous thread for ways to leave, I think you should maybe reread that and call the number @somerandomguy gave.

 

[somerandomguy]

@Angrboda ... It sounds like you're ready to leave. You can call the crisis center right now, or you can call 1−800−799−7233 and they'll connect you with a place you can go immediately.

It's f*cking hard. I know it. But you can do this.

 

[Angrboda]

There aren't any numbers to call. I had notebook pages filled with numbers. No one at any of those numbers will do anything to help. The women's center is the only real supposed resource here, and they're a scam. They just take people's information so it looks like they have people they're helping then they stick you on a waiting list for years even though they say it will be two weeks and they fill their pockets with donations but do nothing for people. Even the woman from the crisis center said they're a scam. I tried to get out for years. There's no one there. There's nowhere to go except into the snow to freeze, and he won't even let me have my clothes and he locked my coat up in his storage. I wouldn't even have a coat. The past five years of my life have been me trying to get out and get my life back. I did everything I could. There is nothing else now. I know everyone means well, and I'm grateful, but trust me, you've spent five minutes googling. I have spent five years actually calling those numbers and trying to find someone or something. There's nothing. There's no one. When I got out the first time it was all on my own. All it did was get me into a much worse situation. I sit here all day every day and pray and beg god to let me go home to my first abuser. I promise to let him rape me like he wanted if I can please just go home. And I weep f*cking blood. That's what it means to leave. I'm not making that mistake again. I'm so f*cking tired. I don't exist. I can't find my own voice in my head anymore. This is death. It's fine. I'm done. I don't want to fight. I don't want out. Out is worse. I just want to be finished, and to have someone to talk to until then because I'm so f*cking lonely.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm so f*cking lonely.

You want to talk to us here? Many of us understand.

 

[Angrboda]

You want to talk to us here? Many of us understand.

I would love to talk. I just don't want every conversation to go straight to 'You need to leave! Do this now!' No. Even if I got out at this point, I couldn't survive. I'm not functional anymore. At all.

 

[somerandomguy]

Even if I got out at this point, I couldn't survive.

I don't know how helpful this is, but after my abusive partner left me (yeah, I never had the balls to leave myself), I felt exactly like that. Every moment I felt like I was going to die. The pain was immense and unstoppable. I couldn't bring myself to do anything.

And yet I didn't die. I kept going, even though the pain was the worst thing I had ever felt in my life.

It really, really seems like it's the end. But it's not. And if there's no one you can lean on IRL, you can come here. Words on a screen isn't ideal, but it's something. And it's something just for you.