Undiagnosed Half Of My Childhood Is Missing

[wallflower]

I've been in individual counseling for about 6 months after years of marriage counseling was not helping. I recently came to the realization that I don't remember much at all from my childhood (very little before age 9). I had one session of EMDR and all I remembered was an empty, dark house with no pictures, no furniture, and most disturbingly, no people. I was not able to unbury any new memories. I know that I was neglected while my mother was involved in substance abuse and I was abused physically at times. I really want to bring back those memories so I can piece myself back together again, but I'm also terrified at what's in there.

I'm hoping that others with similar experiences can tell me what happened in your journey and where you are.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the forum!

I also have PTSD from complex trauma. In my case it physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, as well as neglect.

The abuse started the day after I was born, with my father putting alcohol (cognac) into my pacifier just to make his friends laugh. My father expected me to spit it out. Instead I sucked on it (the only time I actually kept the pacifier in my mouth). After that it was a free-for-all.

I am describing here my experiences. I am not telling you what you should do or providing suggestions. I wish you all the best with your therapy. Just beware that if side effects show up, that it can happen. You have a right to ask for a different therapy style or a different therapist.

I was introduced to EMDR by my 22nd therapist. The first two appointments went really well. At the third appointment I had "unexplained" side effect. During the appointment my brain synapses began firing and did not stop until the day before the next appointment. This continued for 1 1/2 years during which I was hospitalized three times because all of my memories (which I had never lost) began replaying as continuous flashbacks. Normally, I have flashbacks triggered by one of my senses. EMDR was continued by another mental health practitioner and I had a repetition of the same side effects.

From my 23rd therapist, I learned that my side effects of EMDR were typical for "complex PTSD". Therapist #23 made sure that that treatment was stopped. We tried other things.

For the past 1 1/2 years I have been working with my 24th therapist. She seems to be trained in many different therapy styles (e.g. mindful cognitive-behavioral therapy, play therapy, sand therapy, somatic experiencing). She explained to me that for people who have experienced complex trauma throughout childhood are easily triggered by EMDR. It is known that it is good for individual traumas, but not for trauma throughout development. She always emphasizes that it is important not to re-traumatize the client.

Best wishes on your journey!

 

[myself]

I am dealing with a loss of childhood memories as well. they tend to buble up in nightmares and flashbacks, and I get realy paniced sometimes over things that should be mundane; I don't know why these things that should be mundane scares me but they do. I still have a lot of questions and things to process when the bits and peices do rear up.

I was diagnosed with PTSD at 12 years old, but the theripist I was taken to back then was a crackpot who betrayed my trust; she would tell my mom what I told her, so I stoped telling the t anything since I knew it would get back to my mom and my mom would use the information to hurt/manipulate me. It turned me off from theripy for years, and now as an adult I've sought out a new theripist and just started theripy with her. the new t, is much better and actually works on teaching me skills to do better and lets me know why I have no memories of so much of my life. I'm glad I found someone I like and can trust to keep things confidential.

 

[myself]

for me, the new memories started poping up after a recent event hapened that scared me, and made me fear for my little sister's safty. I had protected my little sister from abuse when we were little, so being in a situation where I was really worried for her safety and worried becaues I didn't know where she was and if she was okay, and knew there was no way I could protect her now, it all came together and gave me a melt down. memories started pooring in. flashbacks and panic atacks became more frequent; my PTSD got exsponentially worst, and I became non-functinal.

the new memories came when I found out my sister was missing. I was afraid her biological mother, one of my abusers had abducted her. (little sis is fine now BTW)

I don't know what will bring back more of your memories, but I'm told by my t, that a criciss event can cause PTSD to get worst and the memories to come back (that's what happend with me). Also, being in a safe enviourment might help. trying to talk about my past is painful, but the flashbacks it causes sometimes brings up new memories.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((((Myself))))))))

Welcome to the forum. May you find safety, comfort, witness, hope, and healing here.

The memories will come in time as you find a good T., learn to feel, begin to heal, and find value in yourself. It begins by speaking gently to yourself and getting as much support as you can from safe, kind people.

Are you safe in your environment right now? Establishment of safety is job one.

Wishing you comfort...

 

[wallflower]

Thanks for your responses. I am in a safe environment, but I'm not sure it's a healthy environment for me. After reading through this forum, I think that my husband also suffers from ptsd. He has a very similar background, but his response is much different than mine. I disassociate and he won't back off, which is a horrible dynamic for both of us. Just when I feel like I'm safe he explodes and it throws me off and sends me into my dark place which makes him feel abandoned. He accuses me of being passive-aggressive and not meeting his needs and threatens to leave me, which makes me feel unsafe and throws me off for days. We both trigger each other and it can be like walking in a minefield around here.

All of this has triggered the feeling of being separated from myself and distant from people. I haven't had any flashbacks or memories yet. It's just dark and silent when I try to remember and it's like I'm seeing someone else's life, not mine. I was told about disturbing childhood events (neglect and abuse), but I don't remember them. I only feel overwhelming sadness and can't get past that.

In less than a week I start a new job and I really hope that being around other people in a professional setting will be good for me. Hopefully I can be my confident, intelligent self during the day and leave that dribbling, scared little mess at home. I know this is disassociation, but I think it's what I need right now.

 

[princess09]

wallflower, I really relate a lot to everything you are saying... from not being able to remember your childhood (although I can remember an empty house with no furniture and no pictures as well) to your relationship with your husband. Just the other day my T asked me to think about when I feel safe and my instinct was to say "well when I'm with my boyfriend" (I live with him) but I didn't say it because I know it's not true.

 

[suzie q]

Went through a lot of years in therapy trying to remember my first 7 years of life. Nothing ever really came but a few body memories and parts of a really bad nightmare that were validated later.

This used to consume me, and with my OCD thinking, I mean consume. My brain was always saying "what if?" I never came to an answer about what truly happened to me to forget my formative years. After the age of 7, I have plenty of horrible memories to cover the first 7.

Some things aren't meant to be remembered. I always thought that meant that I could never truly heal my wounds. Once again, just my brain trying to get me to stop the healing process. I had to learn to focus on the things I could heal. I spent way to much time focusing on what I thought I might be missing concerning my memories.

My point is this...spend your time on the stuff you remember. Heal from that tragedy. Peel that onion. Get well as soon as you can by learning the coping tools to live day to day. I can't let the "what if's" take up my time in life. Coulda, shoulda, woulda, etc.

 

[wallflower]

Thanks Suzie Q. Maybe it's a blessing that I don't remember much. Princess, wow. I'm sorry you went through this too, but on the other hand, I'm relieved that I'm not the only one.

 

[Alicej]

I disassociate and he won't back off, which is a horrible dynamic for both of us

Ouch, I totally recognise that! Been struggling with it with my partner for a while. What a relief it is to read and recognise some things like this that I've never heard anyone else ever articulate before. This forum is starting to make me feel just a little less crazy. Thank you all.