Yep. Living it now.
I've been a monster to live with for my poor husband for 4 long hard years.
All of the things you describe and more.
After almost a decade of therapy that healed some but clearly not all of my issues I took a considerable break convinced i was cured.
Then I met a man I felt safe and secure with, and omg has the PTSD come back with a passion.
I'm here in the process of restarting my treatment to try save what little is left of the wonderful marriage I've destroyed.
I've learned some things already that might help you explain yourself to your partner.
First is self sabotage, we often dont feel worthy of healthy love, for me I had never experienced it so had no clue what to do with it.
Also I didn't trust it, always looking for his flaws, often creating imagined ones and usually pushing him away. I think in a attempt to at least have some control over how and when he hurt me, because I was convinced he would.
That part was fairly obvious from the outset.
But what I'm learning as i move along this journey that i was completely oblivious to is that it was also about finally feeling safe enough to break down.
I'd finally found someone who would support me enough that i didn't have to pretend to be strong for, and as a result my walls all came crashing down and i allowed myself to grieve.
Unfortunately i took too long to recognise this, and now have to fight to save my marriage at the same time as feeling my pain re-exposed.
So you are a step ahead of me honey, grab this chance by the horns and run with it.
Good luck!
