Has Anyone Else Never Experienced A Relationship?

[xena21]

Now that Valentine's Day is tomorrow I find myself feeling more depressed once again. Although I'm depressed every day. Tomorrow is an especially bad day because I've never had a relationship with anyone except my Mom, and I was wondering if anyone had experienced anything similar to that? I've faked my way through life by making "friends" with people, but never have been close to people or have let down my guard in a way to have a relationship with anyone.

I'm 40 and have never kissed anyone. It's patheitc. It's sad. At least for me it's sad because I always pictured a Hollywood type family in my life. I live alone and think about killing myself every day, but I haven't been able to do it yet. So I wonder if anyone else is in the same boat? Has anyone else NEVER been in a relationship? I mean NEVER kissed a boy or girl and really desired too? Has anyone really dreamed of having that life with someone else but just couldn't escape their past? I don't know how much longer I have, but that's the only thing I ever wanted in life.

 

[saffy]

Hi xena21

I have never had a meaningful relationship, even with my parents.

For me any relationship was better than none, even if it was abusive. I realise now that I was looking for someone to fill a void so anyone would do. I did not connect with them in the proper ways because I was with them for the wrong reasons.

A hollywood type family? what is that?

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[xena21]

Saffy - Sorry...I would have replied earlier but I ended up in the hospital later that night. I'm sorry you have felt the same way as me. I do not wish it on anyone. I didn't actually expect to end up in the hospital but Valentines Day can be rough.

I am thankful for animals though and the love that I can show to them. It is amazing that they are so receptive to it.

It does beat having any type of abusive relationship for sure at this point in my life, which is why I stay clear of people. Maybe some day I can dream again of human contact. For now I pet my dog. I wish you the best too.

 

[saffy]

Hi xena

I hope you are good today. Sorry to hear you ended up in hospital :(

Animals give so much unconditional love back. It is a pity that humans cannot or will not as we are all animals really ;)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Nighthawk]

I am unable to have relationships.

 

[jmni]

So I wonder if anyone else is in the same boat? Has anyone else NEVER been in a relationship? I mean NEVER kissed a boy or girl and really desired too? Has anyone really dreamed of having that life with someone else but just couldn't escape their past

I may bot be in exactly the same boat but I am not far away.

xena21, I can tell you that it is not all it's cracked up to be. You are not really missing much. I've been in a relationship before but now I feel that it was just a show. I have kissed boys and found it to be empty and meaningless. It was never like it was in the movies. There was never a deep devotion behind it or a romantic subtext. I never kissed someone and felt like stars were falling out of the sky around me. I use to envision a wonderful man saving me. That was a delusion. Once I became infatuated with someone who seemed to have a life I desired.

I use to believe I was unkissable and untouchable and did not understand why it seemed so easy for everyone else. Has anyone ever told you that because you are a woman you can have any man. That's a bit of an exaggeration. But most men will do anything for sex or to be with a woman. I think some of us who are abused are taught to believe that we are not women and that there is nothing sacred about womanhood. We are taught to believe that no one will ever want us and mistaught everything about relationship dynamics. This is part of the abuse. But this delusion is actually very easy to fix. Because there are plenty of people who feel as desperate and needy as you do. I think that you should do it just because you want to. You just have to let someone kiss you.

 

[xena21]

But most men will do anything for sex or to be with a woman.

I always thought that too. My experience growing up shaped that from the beginning, probably because my first look at sexual activity was perverted and came in the eyes of my family.

I always believed I never had a voice to say no, and that actions were more powerful than words...so my actions were to stay away so people couldn't hurt me. Its not helpful though in times like last week when I should just be able to say no to people or tell them what I want or need but I felt I could't. I feel so programmed now to just DO things and not say things.

At the hospital last week, the security guard kept hitting on me, (maybe because I was easy prey) and asking me for my information...where I lived and my phone number. He wrote down his information and gave it to me...what a freak. I had just come in from hurting myself and he was flirting with me! I was afraid not to give him something, yet I should have just told him to go F%$@ him self. I ended up giving him a fake number to appease him and I just was so ashamed of myself. I hate myself so much. I never can speak up.

That is why I stay away from people. I know I can't say no to people. I'm so afraid of them and myself. It's just easier to be alone.

 

[Delta62]

Xena
I have a really difficult time in this area being male. I am sorry for the experience you had to endure, makes me concerned none the less. I feel I think more than I do because the fear becomes overwhelming. For me sustaining relationships is draining because of fear of getting hurt again because of childhood trauma. It seems like in the guy role, on one hand your supposed to be able to sustain the tough image but in reality it's not that easy. Some of what your talking about is avoidance based. I can relate in many ways...As I get older, it becomes clearer but then difficult too because of being the opposite. Make sense?

 

[jmni]

You gave him a fake number so you wont hear from him again and to shut him up but you seem to think it's because you are too weak to tell someone to f-off. You just didn't want to put up with it. You can complain about him to customer service/HR there because it's sexual harassment.

I always believed I never had a voice to say no, and that actions were more powerful than words...so my actions were to stay away so people couldn't hurt me.

I keep to myself because it is easier than putting up with things like you described. Why don't you date someone who generally acts like they are not very aggressive or controlling.

 

[xena21]

I actually did end up writing an email to the Patient Advocate at the hospital, not to identify anyone specifically, just to vent about the situation. Not only had I been harassed by a guard, but I also had been treated very poorly in other ways. I just felt like saying something would help for the future and maybe help me shed some of my rage at that moment.

Why don't you date someone who generally acts like they are not very aggressive or controlling.

I'm not really sure why I don't date anyone. I've never dated anyone in my entire life. I have a hard time even hugging my Mom, and she is the one person I truly love and trust in this world. The reason I started therapy 6 years ago was to figure out why I have never been able to get close to anyone.

That has been a decision I sometimes regret. Since then I have tried to kill myself 5 times. I'm sure eventually I would have evaluated my past on my own, but before therapy I had a good job, I wasn't a freak to the people around me, because nobody knew anything. Now I am just the person that everyone whispers about. I have no job, and I live alone still having never answered the question why I can't be close to anyone.

 

[jmni]

That has been a decision I sometimes regret. Since then I have tried to kill myself 5 times. I'm sure eventually I would have evaluated my past on my own, but before therapy I had a good job, I wasn't a freak to the people around me, because nobody knew anything. Now I am just the person that everyone whispers about. I have no job, and I live alone still having never answered the question why I can't be close to anyone.

Have you been with the same therapist the entire time? And i have to ask if you do not work then who is talking about you? Are you interested in becoming employed again?
What happened since therapy began?

I know what you mean. People have called me crazy behind my back as well and even to my face and it really hurts.

 

[maddog]

Xena21, I just wanted to say... I understand, and I'm so so sorry for how lonely and hurtful this situation is.

I have never been in any sort of relationship with anyone who wasn't abusive or manipulative and in fact have never really been in what I would describe as a relationship at all. The only sexual contact I have ever had with anyone has been coercive and aggressive. I have never been kissed, touched or in any way cared for by anyone who genuinely cared about me. I am 31 now...

Yes, it's terribly, terribly painful and lonely, and leaves me often wondering if I will ever experience those things. More complicated than that is my very real terror that I never could, and that my fear of people and extreme reactivity to physical cues makes me now more unloveable than ever.

I don't know what to say, other than to encourage you to work towards trying to be at peace with your own existence and your own self, and to know that you can be whole without the presence of a significant other in your life. That said, you have a lot of life left ahead of you, and none of us can know the future or who or what might be waiting there for us. I so deeply hope that a genuine and caring someone worthy of your affection does come into your life, but whether or not that happens, I hope you can believe that you are a worthwhile and special person who has survived so so much and who carries scarrs that were in no way your own doing or your own fault.

And I'm appalled and sorry for what you experienced in the hospital, sounds disgraceful, and in the worst possible environment for such predatory behaviour to occur. I suspect I may have done what you did in giving the false number to get rid of him, I also struggle terribly with being assertive when feeling personally threatened and ironically, had a similar experience with a predatory person while in hospital myself last year, though in my case the other person was a patient. I too could not be assertive and it was luck and luck only that I wasn't more seriously assaulted.

I'm glad you wrote a letter to express your concerns and to recount your experiences, that is a productive and constructive way you can take control after the event to assert your rights and needs, so good on you for doing that.

Take care of yourself and know that this forum is always here with supportive people whenever you need to reach out. Many of us do that often, so I hope to see you around more.

Maddog