Has Anyone Else Never Experienced A Relationship?

[xena21]

Have you been with the same therapist the entire time?

jmni- Thanks. No I haven't seen the same therapist for the entire time. I've never had a PTSD therapist for more than a couple months, beginning last year. Before that I was seeing strictly an OCD therapist who only specialized in CBT for OCD. I got piecemeal trauma therapy when I ended up in the hospitals throughout the last few years, but never had a therapist trained in PTSD. Originally I had gone to a therapist looking for answers on relationships, and when she heard about my traumatic past, she referred me to a crisis center for additional therapy. Those people in turn referred me to OCD specialists because they believed my OCD was extreme and needed to be addressed. I was never able to find a therapist able to treat both PTSD and OCD, so I stayed with just the OCD individual.

What happened since therapy began?

Since then, I've been passed around a bit. As I said before, I don't trust people. Probably my reason for never getting close to people, and thus, never having relationships. I guess its hard to get anywhere with a therapist when you don't tell them much. When I did try to get help it seemed like I went to the wrong places. People kept passing me off to others, telling me I needed additional help from someone else, but then I wouldn't get it, because that person would then pass me off to someone else. It was like I was on some assembly line or conveyer belt. Eventually I got tired of it and just stayed with the OCD therapist who seemed nice, but knew little about anything except OCD. When I really got bad I ended up in the hospital and they gave me trauma 101 then sent me on my way back to my OCD therapist. That's how it went for about 4 years.

I started with a new therapist a couple months ago from the VA hospital. She's the third one I've had in the past few months. I'm not sure what will happen. She seems nice enough, but I have a very hard time judging people now at this stage of the game.

And i have to ask if you do not work then who is talking about you? Are you interested in becoming employed again?

It's probably more my own guilt than actual people pointing and staring, but my neighbors have said things to me. My family says things to me. Former co-workers have said things to me. I was in a high functioning position a few years ago so it's kind of a shock to them, but I understand it.

Yes, I think to live in this world I personally would have to work again. It's not for everyone I understand, but I have always needed a purpose beyond myself. When that was taken away, I felt like I fell in a hole and I still haven't been able to get out. I've volunteered plenty since then, and worked part time, but I just haven't been able to get that satisfaction. I've gone back to school for things as well. I just can't seem to get back the will to live.

More complicated than that is my very real terror that I never could, and that my fear of people and extreme reactivity to physical cues makes me now more unloveable than ever.

I appreciate your response. I understand completely and can relate. I wish you the best as well.

 

[xena21]

I just realized I made a mistake on the last post. Sorry I cut and pasted my post and didn't realize the quotes all ran together. Sorry about that Jmni and Maddog. Hopefully you can distinguish where the breaks are.

 

[jmni]

@xena that's ok. I was still able to read it.

hen I did try to get help it seemed like I went to the wrong places. People kept passing me off to others, telling me I needed additional help from someone else, but then I wouldn't get it, because that person would then pass me off to someone else. It was like I was on some assembly line or conveyer belt. Eventually I got tired of it and just stayed with the OCD therapist who seemed nice, but knew little about anything except OCD

This is how I felt when I first started therapy. Eventually I quit.

It's probably more my own guilt than actual people pointing and staring, but my neighbors have said things to me. My family says things to me. Former co-workers have said things to me. I was in a high functioning position a few years ago so it's kind of a shock to them, but I understand it.

I feel a lot of stigmatism associated with my mental illness. People are so rude. It's the same as racism or sexism. Actually I feel like it really holds me back and causes me to fear success. I fear videos popping up of me in my car on youtube. I think about people that were nasty before getting together to gossip about me. That is just what is in my mind and in my experience the people who are pretty hopeless and more nuisances. Never mind the actual efforts of more competent people to undermine their opponents in the workplace who are harder to catch in the act. It's a serious problem for me. It is more that than my abusive history with my family that is holding me back inside and it contributes more to my paranoia and inhibitions. But I know what you mean. It is so sad to feel like people have nothing to do than to watch you and plot nasty things against you because its a reality. I would describe it more like shame than guilt. Personally it makes me feel paranoid like I am being followed because I have been targeted which I could describe in more detail at some other time.

At least it sounds like you have made some good use of your time. Do you feel like a stigma is holding you back? I mean is it like a mental subtext or do you concerned with real efforts? does violate the Americans with Civil Disabilities Act and is harassment. I feel like I have agoraphobia because I am afraid of freaking out in public and the consequences of it.

We've certainly changed the subject. It was suppose to be about being relationships. For me these experiences have contributed to isolating me. Just like you I don't trust people. You are blaming yourself but it sounds like you have had a lot of problems in the past five years that were out of your control. There are people here who related to you so I think you can meet someone in the real world who will. Also I don't think it's pathetic that you've never-been-kissed. Many people don't enter their major relationship or meet the love of their life until they are a little older.

:hug:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I just realized I made a mistake on the last post.

Fixed. :) Next time something like that happens, click the report button and write what needs fixing. One of the staff will come and fix it faster.

 

[xena21]

Sorry about that. I appreciate the help fixing it. I'm still feeling my way around.

I feel a lot of stigmatism associated with my mental illness. People are so rude.

I completely agree with you. I have that same feeling about others. The shame is also very difficult to deal with. For me, the hatred for myself is more unbearable though. For some reason I can't stand myself. I do everything I can to undermine my future endeavors, but I know that I need to stop if I am going to survive.

I feel like I have agoraphobia because I am afraid of freaking out in public and the consequences of it.

As far as agoraphobia, I have definitely turned toward that direction. I have always been an introvert..well, very shy...but the last few years after losing my job, I have cut off ties with the world. Basically I have discontinued communication with friends family, and everyone except my Mom. I stay in my house except to walk my dog and get groceries when I need them, and go to the occasional therapy appointment. I use to train for marathons, go to the gym every day, and talk to friends on the phone. I don't do any of that now. Most of that has to do with the shame of the mental stigma, and the fear of the people around me. It just kept getting worse until now it is easier to be in my house alone than around others.

I can't even conceive of a relationship with another person. Its all I have ever wanted, and all I ever lived for, but I can't even imagine it ever happening considering the predicament I'm in now.

 

[Loner]

I'm 27 and nope, never had a relationship, neither romantic or a close friend to talk to.Maybe never will. I'dlike to, but I'm starting to get over it.

 

[xena21]

I'dlike to, but I'm starting to get over it.

Have you been trying to have relationships and failed or do you look at it as a far away thing in the future? For me it's like a wall I can't get over. I have tried in the past, but it's like I speak a different language then the other people. I even attempted to go online and try an online match thing many years ago. What a nightmare! Needless to say that didn't get anywhere. I hope the best for you though.

 

[jmni]

For me, the hatred for myself is more unbearable though. For some reason I can't stand myself. I do everything I can to undermine my future endeavors, but I know that I need to stop if I am going to survive.

Why do you not like yourself? You seem like an empathetic decent individual?

Sometimes I don't like myself either and the reasons vary. At this point I am really not that bad. But in the past I detested myself much more and I related to what you said at that point in time more. I had higher expectations of myself and just felt guilty for being such a loser and a wreck in addition to the embarrassment and I could not envision getting myself out of that position. Ironically I met someone very shallow who I think had NPD. What I took away from it is that confidence is easy to acquire through shallow means. I think that is why so many of abusers are such arrogant haughty cows. But I realized that through simple small things I could improve my confidence and like myself more and it actually works but it is only a quick fix. I guess if I was in your shoes I would try to determine if relationship or career is more important and what kind of position and situation I would feel best in. It also just sounds like you have a lot of anxiety and depression, which are out of your control, and as if you need to relax and allow yourself to laugh and have fun.

 

[xena21]

I'm not sure of the exact reason why I don't like myself. It's not a rational thing that I can point at, but a deep feeling of hatred. It stems from my childhood, and I know the main reason behind it. I just can't seem to get myself to believe I'm not the evil one I think I am, despite the rational side of me knowing that one person can't stop all bad things from happening.

I was abused a great deal for the first 11 years of my life, and I never said a word to my Mom. The problem is, if I had said something, my little cousins after me would not have been hurt. I was the first one to be hurt, and let it go on for so long without a word until he was on his death bed. I can't seem to forgive myself for that though rationally as an adult I see other children and would never hold them to that standard.

After that I promised to do things to help people. I went into law enforcement to catch the "bad' people. I failed at that too. I had to retire early and so the hatred for myself continues. It's something I can't explain very well.

I just always thought if I could at least have people around me that I could love and protect and vice versa, than everything would reverse itself. I would be happy and I would know as I got older I would always be safe.

 

[Loner]

Have you been trying to have relationships and failed or do you look at it as a far away thing in the future? For me it's like a wall I can't get over. I have tried in the past, but it's like I speak a different language then the other people. I even attempted to go online and try an online match thing many years ago. What a nightmare! Needless to say that didn't get anywhere. I hope the best for you though.

Both I guess. I don't think I'm unwantable. I think if I started going to bars to pick up girls I'd eventually be able to bring one home but that isnt going to be conducive to me being comfortable and getting over my issues. I also think even without the ptsd that not many women would be into me. This isn't self deprecatory, I'm just, I'm pretty smart, I am not into most of the things most people are, even without my issues its going to be an unusual woman whos into me. Actually, in years past, when I was actively avoiding interaction with people due to not being ready, I actually had women ask me out a few times. Cute smart ones too. I think the whole loner thing kinda worked for me actually, I came off as shy and disinterested and even mysterious perhaps.


Now I'm ready I think, but I just don't meet that many women that I connect with and am attracted to. Tried a dating site, didnt get any dates, but it did make me realize that the kind of women that will be into me probably won't be found on a dating site.

I more just meant. If it happens, it happens, if it doesnt then it doesnt. I have focused on improving myself for so long, learning the social skills I missed out on learning when I was a child, trying to understand where people are coming from etc, it just makes my head hurt. I don't really get how to talk to women or whatever and I think I'm ok with that. Maybe someone comes along someday and maybe not.

As strange as it sounds, I am pretty damn certain that no matter what other relationships I may have in my life no one will ever love me as much as my dog did. I've been thinking about it and he seems to of been my soulmate. Itd be nice to date someone, to have some tenderness in my life and have someone i really enjoy spending time with, and heck, to get laid,but I'm not too worried about it. I can be happy without any of that. For all the hurt and neglect I have felt in my life I still think I'm lucky, I think most people go through their lives never being loved by anything asmuch as my dog loved me.

 

[xena21]

As strange as it sounds, I am pretty damn certain that no matter what other relationships I may have in my life no one will ever love me as much as my dog did.

That doesn't sound strange at al! My dog is the reason I get up most mornings. She is 14 now and I try hard not to think of her not being here. I wish they lived as long as people, because they certainly love better than people do. She is my best friend and companion every day, and I don't know what I will do when she is gone. For now, she is my purpose in staying alive most days, which isn't a good thing I know. I have been trying to find more purpose in my life because I know the devastation losing her would be. Just writing that is making me feel bad.

So, yes, I completely understand and agree with you!