Childhood Has anyone else gone through life without telling anyone of CSA, at all?

LucyLou

Learning
Had session this morning and it went OK. We went through procedures around me going more into CSA and what would require safeguarding referral and I'm not so worried about that side of it anymore but I did mention how I felt the fact that me not wanting anyone else to know about any of it makes me think that other people will think I'm making it up. Which obviously isn't true....I just know of all the trouble it would cause and I don't think I would ever be ready for that. She didn't really say much about that. Just an "of course not" to if she thought it made it sound like I was making it up. Has anyone else gone through life without telling anyone of CSA, at all? I mean, I've told my best friend but, even her....she doesn't know who they are. It was a hard one and even she said I seemed "low and far away", which I think was just due to not sleeping/racing heart issue last night. I feel like I have to email to explain/justify myself. Why I'm choosing not to tell anybody or name them. I hate how sessions make me overthink sometimes. I told her how I think I need to push myself more and I think going back to the beginning if it all, is going to be easier than the here and now and she agreed....said she thinks it was be easier too, because it's in the past and not happening now. I'm going to get some bits wrote down for the next session now, whilst I'm thinking all this.
 
What you're going through is super super common.
I never told anyone till I was 24. And then I must have done it so vaguely as they never realised and I never told them again for another 16 years.
And the needing to justify yourself and feeling people will think you are making it up. These are very old messages from childhood and also other people's messages.
Building strength in yourself and belief in yourself is key to help with this.
You know the truth. Anyone who doubts you , that doubt is about them and not you. It shows their character as opposed to you making something up or having to justify or explain anything to them.

It might have felt dismissive your T's response to that. But that is because she believes you. And whilst this sense of needing to justify yourself is a big thing for you, she's normalising it all. Which sometimes, in my opinion, comes across as a bit dismissive. But actually, it's the opposite.

I'm really glad she was able to explain and you felt reassured about the reporting side of things. Glad you feel able to express yourself to her.
 
I've told one person, in detail, what happened to me. My best friend in middle school. She's still the only person who really knows anything about what actually happened to me, and even then she doesn't know all that much. After this point I stopped really telling people about what this person was doing to me because I knew they would try to keep me away from them. The opposite happened when I told my mother I had been molested and (after she screamed at me) who did it, while we were in a huge, completely unrelated fight. She never did anything, asked any follow up questions or even ever mention it again.

Even my therapists have never heard about what's happened to me. When I was seeing my old therapist I was really close to starting to unpack it but unfortunately my insurance was cut off so I never told him and I continued to be abused (as I had not fully come to the realization I needed to get away from this person.) I still haven't told my new therapist yet as I'm still reacclimating to therapy and it's just so hard to talk about.

Many of my friends will bring up their own CSA trauma and even then, after the people closest to me share what has happened to them I still haven't disclosed what happened to me. The most I'll really tell them is I was molested and give them a vauge idea of who did it.

I really understand why you wouldn't want to tell anyone who your abuser is. I hesitated for so long because it was someone I really loved, who I am always going to love regardless of how much they hurt me. I didn't want people to think lesser of them, I didn't want people to keep me away from them or tell me I'm making the (obviously) wrong decision if I ever went back to them. Even if this isn't your reason for staying silent I just want you to know that theres someone else who struggles this way too.
 
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