Has Anyone Seen PTSD

[cragger65]

My nuero-psych told me that after I first had the break down, she couldn't see the person that she knew in me at all anymore. I was wild, psychotic, with murderous thoughts towards my abusers. I felt nothing but hate then. I know I've returned more to myself now, just reading this post. It's been a good juxtipostion for me. Thanks.

 

[Jestadud]

Thank you all for your replies. Sorry if it caused upset to some but we can't always avoid discussing the nastier elements of ptsd.

I am fully aware what ptsd looks like and feels like from this side of the fence but wondered and worried what it looks like from the other side to others.

It would seem that the eyes have it, the other persons dead reptilian eyes that take over. Its almost as if others can read our thoughts through them, which is scary all round.

Only grainne mentions the shaking which suprised me. A couple of months after an event I met someone who had been in the room when it happened, he asked me what had happened and was talking about how I was shaking. I hadn't realised till then that this could be seen externally I'd thought it was an internal thing.
I think I explained it away as an "anger thing" I had no idea at that time that it was ptsd.

dust, not being picky but genuinely interested to know how you could see yourself.

kaddy1 it's interesting that you mention "fight or flight" as the apex of being full blown. All through my therapy and during my time here I have never been comfortable with that, for me when it comes to fight the time for flight has gone.
Now there is something new appearing on this forum called the 4f's which is
fight ,flight, freeze or fawn.
This makes more sense to me and I would say that full blown my apex would be freeze or fight of course someone else could be freeze or flight, or maybe fawn or freeze.
Explains how we can all have ptsd but different views on it.

 

[cragger65]

Thanks for that Jesta, I've never heard the 4 F's before. That really clarifies some things for me in my own behaviour.

 

[Jestadud]

I believe the 4f's idea has been brought to the party by Pixie.

Not as catchy as fight or flight, but maybe more flexible?

 

[Pixie]

The 4f's are in the articles on C-PTSD by Pete Walker which I found extremely helpful and it seems that it is explaining much to others also which I am grateful for.

The model does also talk about "hybrid" types too so it is very flexible...

Flight/Fawn
Fight/Freeze
Freeze/Fawn

etc...

I'm actually a Fawn/Flight type and just to know this has given me so much comfort and understanding...

Pixie

 

[Harney]

I've been told I fold into myself when I'm severely triggered -- I shrink down into as much of a ball as I can, stare into space, hyperventilate, shake, and get a far-off look on my face.

 

[Perdido]

I can only imagine that half the time, as I go about my life, the best way to describe my expression would be "blank-faced." I'm an easy-going guy, but have spent the past two decades in a numbed state of being. It's a protective thing for me, a way to manage the mental lows that have dominated my every step since THAT day.

I have a video tape from a local news station that recorded me in the aftermath of the day my friend died in my kitchen. My face was expressionless and vacant of emotion. That was shock, I believe, but through the years, this protective mask has clung tight, reflective of my ongoing, futile effort to control the uncontrollable, the PTSD demons inside me.

 

[Perdido]

I can only imagine that half the time, as I go about my life, the best way to describe my expression would be "blank-faced." I'm an easy-going guy, but have spent the past two decades in a numbed state of being. It's a protective thing for me, a way to manage the mental lows that have dominated my every step since THAT day.

I have a video tape from a local news station that recorded me in the aftermath of the day my friend died in my kitchen. My face was expressionless and vacant of emotion. That was shock, I believe, but through the years, this protective mask has clung tight, reflective of my ongoing, futile effort to control the uncontrollable, the PTSD demons inside me.

 

[dust]

dust, not being picky but genuinely interested to know how you could see yourself.

Jesta,

When I first started to 'go' I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed the changes in my eyes, the pupils were so large and black - I had never seen that before. When I look back at pictures of myself from that 2 year period I see how pale I am and how expressionless my face was, but I was also aware of those changes at the time.

dust

 

[Momma Kitty]

my first reaction is wanting FLIGHT, which is usually not immediately possible, thus it turns abrupty to FIGHT, but I do my best to avoid, which ends up really taking me to the sweats, heart, spasms, migrane, visibly sick, until I can get somewhere to calm myself (FREEZE OR FAWN?). These reactions to triggers of such simple basic things which others do not have issue cause friends and family to tire of my drama. It was one of the factors resulting in my divorce. He began not telling me things for fear of my reactions. My stepdaughter thought I was "faking" and became angry at my withdrawn, antisocial behaviour; which of course, intensified my problem.

I have learned every possible physical reaction my body can have as a result of stress. There is no way to avoid stress. Even my co workers have seen my "drama". Learning my triggers and simplifying my life, such as a non professional job now, moving to the country, organizing my clutter, limiting my social contacts, and making endless lists have helped me get "grounded" as my counselor put it.

Having a new husband that understands is a biggy, too!!

 

[NarcSis]

Used to come across the occassional 'real' trigger at work - many you can tell are pretty much just experiencing panic, but those who are experiencing flashbacks have almost a strange faraway look in their eyes, they can hear you but seem unable to respond, there are distinct flashes of fear/terror in their eyes, they are either balled up, hyperventillating or screaming. Very time consuming thing to bring someone down from, especially when your dispatchers are screaming at you wanting to know your availability status!

I never used to understand this presentation, I could only sympathize...I don't like the fact that I can totally understand this reaction now.

 

[TLight]

People have told me they can see 'it' in my eyes.

I think my eyes reflect the fear that everything and everyone around me is untrustworthy and capable of hurting me badly.

That is the 'feeling' I get prior to a flashback or in the midst of the 'episodes.' That the world is a very untrustworthy place and I'm in terrible danger and can't rely on anyone around. Everyone becomes 'the enemy.'

When I had my prolonged psychotic break.........well, I'd look in the mirror while I was obsessively chopping my hair off and I was just 'not anywhere to be found.' I was walking dead. The person in the mirror was not me......I don't know who she was to this day.