Has Anyone Seen PTSD

[raku]

My father - who had combat-related PTSD - would go off without much warning: he would quickly become physically rigid, get a wild look in his eyes, his mouth would turn into a grimace - kind of a snarl - and he would start panting. Then he would start ranting and shouting and hitting me, never making a whole lot of sense. When he was done hitting me, I would notice that his hands were shaking - probably from the adrenaline.

Unlike what some others have said, his eyes didn't look reptilian. The expression in his eyes would switch back and forth from wild terror to wild rage, over and over, although I don't think that he was really seeing me. I think that he hit me in order to alleviate his terror and turn it into rage, which made him feel stronger.

I've seen a similar reaction in a co-worker who is a veteran. My co-worker gets road rage when driving the company vehicle, and he too goes rigid, starts panting, grimaces, and gets a wild look in his eyes just before he starts shouting obscenities. Like my father, the behavioral transition is very sudden and comes on without much in the way of warning.

As for me, I don't know what I look like most of the time, but I feel overwhelming terror, start panting, and also become rigid. Once I did see my face, and it had the same grimace as my father.

 

[dust]

The person in the mirror was not me......I don't know who she was to this day.

Tlight, I totally relate to this. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a woman who I hadn't ever seen before, I could not believe it was me! She looked incredibly warm, sophisticated and quite attractive! Strange, I had never *seen* myself before the middle of this meltdown. I believe that this happens to some of us - perhaps it is to do with the regression, I guess I was a child looking at myself as an adult - or something like that? Hmm, sounds a bit flaky.

dust

 

[growingpains]

Wow the mirror thing freaks me out. Sometimes it is my eyes and sometimes my whole face...I feel disconnected from it. I wondered if it is just a strange human thing..but sometimes it is like--"What is SHE looking at?" Haha hopefully people don't think I am a flake now. But in the years with PTSD and numbness I mostly looked cold and emotionless even with a smile--like a china doll. It hurts now to look back at the pictures because in a way I looked fake even though I couldn't help it of course. I was always genuine in my actions and life.

 

[Grainne]

Dust - your post gave me goosebumps. I know not why....

 

[Jestadud]

Once again thanks for all the responses.

There is always something new to learn, dust I didn't realise some people could see themselves! But its obvious some can.
For me I have a sort of tunnel vision and feel remote, the act of focusing on myself would sort of snap me back.

I wonder if those who go into fight mode don't carry the main effects for so long. (its abrupt or explosive)
Whereas perhaps those who go into flight, freeze, fawn or suchlike feel the main effects longer. Hence someone can go look in a mirror.

kaddy1, I would have to put my hand up to that description.

 

[sidekick]

Triggering:

For me it depends on the type of trigger and where I am in emotionally I guess.

My first husband, in the late 80's was very abusive, physically but mostly verbally/emotionally. I use to ignore it the best I could, sometimes fight back verbally. About after a year or so I guess I snapped one night.

He use to get in my face, corner me, hold me down, pin me down by my shoulders and just scream and scream at me. I wasn't as good then at blocking him out as I was with this marraige. So I had locked myself in the bathroom and screamed and screamed and begged to be left alone. He was pounding and trying with all his might to push the door open.

I had a toddler and infant and to this day, I have no recollection of where they were or what they wre doing. So sad.

I just remember the door almost breaking and him saying he wanted to kill me and my oldest son (not his), then him apologizing and begging me to come out. Somewheres along there I went bye bye because the next thing I remember is coming out and leaning over the kitchen sink sobbing and trying to slice my wrists and saying I can't do this anymore, that I was so sick of living like this and of him doing this to me. He was trying to grab the knife away from me and the next memory I have is of being in our bedroom at the other end of the house and of me trying to stab him as he was screaming at me. I did end up slicing him a good one on his back. I have no clue what happened next.

I know a few other times the children came between us and I would try to stop them and he would send them flying and I would attack/loose it. I was violent after that first time of "snapping". It lasted off and on another year before I got up the courage to leave him.

The husband I am currently divorcing, when he would "pin" me down, get in my face and yell at me (after being told time and time again to please not do that as it was a trigger to me and he was crossing my boundries, done in a very calm voice, since I was no longer violent and always calm, never yelling). I would "shut" down or get that far away look so many of you are describing. I didn't realize it but did know that I went bye bye as I call it. He would get so pissed off at me and accuse me of ignoring him and not caring or not loving him. Sometimes I would chuckle or laugh or be sarcastic (this is part of my ptsd and how I handle uncomfortable situations), but not at what was happening, but because it was teh only way I could keep myself calm and I couldn't believe I was in this situation again. It was a way to keep all those other emotions under controll.

The last time in September when he was the most violent, grabbing me and shaking me, screaming and trashing my office/breaking furniture. I know I shut down hard and went someplace. I crawled into some hole. I don't recall the things he said, just did. I know I was terrified and I do remember saying to him, SEE I knew you were capable of this, you were just hiding it as long as you could. I knew it..........I knew as that was going on, I heard this little voice inside of me saying that I could not go on like this....It was over.

On that note, I also know when I have been triggered by other things, sometimes I act childish: stomping feet, whining..........Hasn't happened in a bit....

I have worked at trying to know/catch what will trigger me and see if I can work through with it/deal with it or if I need to leave and avoid completely.