I am talking about the man that raped me when I was 10, the first of 3 incidents in my life and I hope it never happens again. So I get a Friend request on Facebook a couple of weeks ago and it is from Jeff.....argh, I get pissed thinking about it now. I saw his name and his picture and I froze. He had written a little note along with it, honestly I can't remember what it said, I don't know why because I stared at it for what seemed like eons. Something about not seeing me for a long time and wanting to connect. Grosses me out thinking about it. I hit the ignore button on the request and tried to put it out of my mind. Then this morning he sends me another request again, "hey haven't seen you in a long time, like your picture let's talk". Really, Really, REALLY....are you ****ing kidding me asshole, seriously? Like I worked on painting and re-doing my sons bedroom all day, thank God I go to sand and paint and ripe carpet up and pull nails out the floor, got some frustration out but now it is time to go to bed and I am still just so damn angry. I thought I forgave him, thought if I saw him on the street I would pass without a word but for him to smugly suggest that I be his friend and to once again not acknowledge that there was anything wrong with what he did to me....that is going to drive me crazy....blah!
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Has Your Abuser Ever Tried To Be Your Friend
- Post starter Monarch
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That must be so frustrating. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with the person who hurt you... it just means you release your hand from around their neck. Letting go of your chains so you have the freedom to live.
Both guys tried to stay in contact with me for a long time. The first guy stayed in contact with me for almost a year. I reported him a year after he did what he did. He wanted to see how I was doing, or whatever.
The second guy stalked me after he raped me, and the stalking lasted 6 or 7 months, I THINK. I dunno if he still does it or not. But he'd say things like "it'll be better next time. You'll enjoy it next time. I just want to love you. Now that we've done it, I can wait until you're ready, etc."
They are scum, and narcissistic and if that guy was pathetic enough to even do that to you, you shouldn't let him into your life. You can release your hand from around his throat so you can have freedom from him, but you don't have to be his friend, acquaintance, or anything else.
Both guys tried to stay in contact with me for a long time. The first guy stayed in contact with me for almost a year. I reported him a year after he did what he did. He wanted to see how I was doing, or whatever.
The second guy stalked me after he raped me, and the stalking lasted 6 or 7 months, I THINK. I dunno if he still does it or not. But he'd say things like "it'll be better next time. You'll enjoy it next time. I just want to love you. Now that we've done it, I can wait until you're ready, etc."
They are scum, and narcissistic and if that guy was pathetic enough to even do that to you, you shouldn't let him into your life. You can release your hand from around his throat so you can have freedom from him, but you don't have to be his friend, acquaintance, or anything else.
Oh my goodness Monarch - I don't even know what to say to that! That's a very frustrating thing to have to deal with...and it must have been horrible to have seen his face and name in a personal environment like Facebook. You go there to communicate with friends, colleagues, family...whoever is it, you surely trust them a bit, and then up he comes to disrupt your peace. Ugh. Terrible...
My abuser was my father and I did maintain a relationship with him up until this past summer. It was horrible, all along, and when I realized that I was doing it for all the wrong reasons, I stood up and left. He does, every now and then, reach out to me...trying to get me to come back to him. Not easy to deal with...and that's my father; i've known him and had to deal with him all my life. I can't imagine the intrusion you must feel.
Glad to see you're pissed off :) and not completely unsettled by it all.
Grainne
My abuser was my father and I did maintain a relationship with him up until this past summer. It was horrible, all along, and when I realized that I was doing it for all the wrong reasons, I stood up and left. He does, every now and then, reach out to me...trying to get me to come back to him. Not easy to deal with...and that's my father; i've known him and had to deal with him all my life. I can't imagine the intrusion you must feel.
Glad to see you're pissed off :) and not completely unsettled by it all.
Grainne
Hi Monarch
My parents, both of them, were my original abusers. Then my husband beat the crap out of me for upteen years until I divorced him. He got his therapist to call me. Do you believe? Then one day maybe 6 years after the divorce I came home one day and found him standing by the front door of my house. I was so scared. He said something I don't remember, and I said, "You're on private property. If you don't leave I'll call the police." Somehow I managed to get past him, get the door unlocked, get inside, and lock the door. He left.
I don't know where the strength came from. I had had an awful day and was exhausted.
Sounds like you're doing great. Of course you can't stand the thought never mind the sight of him, even his photo. Over the years I've managed a little pity for my ex. He didn't even know what he had done was wrong. Thank goodness neither of us is that sick.
maria
My parents, both of them, were my original abusers. Then my husband beat the crap out of me for upteen years until I divorced him. He got his therapist to call me. Do you believe? Then one day maybe 6 years after the divorce I came home one day and found him standing by the front door of my house. I was so scared. He said something I don't remember, and I said, "You're on private property. If you don't leave I'll call the police." Somehow I managed to get past him, get the door unlocked, get inside, and lock the door. He left.
I don't know where the strength came from. I had had an awful day and was exhausted.
Sounds like you're doing great. Of course you can't stand the thought never mind the sight of him, even his photo. Over the years I've managed a little pity for my ex. He didn't even know what he had done was wrong. Thank goodness neither of us is that sick.
maria
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- #6
oh man, if he was standing in front of me, I would either kick him in the nuts or run away, could go either way. I still take shit from my Dad, he was here for Thanksgiving, first time he has ever visited me in my house since I moved here 12 years ago. He was ok except for a few comments that were hurtful, I can deal with those. Then he physically assaulted me before he left, the night before he left and he waited until my husband wasn't around. I didn't tell my husband until after they left though, he was pissed of course. Talked to my mom on the phone, who was in the room when it happened and she said "you are over-racting", yep, there is was the store of my life and the reason I left the minute I graduated from high school. So between Thanksgiving and Christmas, it was been pretty rough.
S
SpringRain
Monarch - I'm so proud of you reading your posts. You have been through hell and this recent event is enough to send anyone spinning. But reading your posts I see power in you. You have feelings of anger, you are in touch with them, and you can express them. I'm not suggesting for a minute that this is easy for you. This is a hard, painful time. I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you. You have obviously been on this journey for a while and I respect the work you have obviously done and continue to do. Even while you are in this pain it is clear from your posts that you honor yourself and your worth. I wish you nothing but peace as you work through this latest part of your journey. We are all here for you and I'm glad you come here for continued support. With respect -
be well
Rain
be well
Rain
Gloria
Diamond Member
Oh my gosh! I thought that no one could understand how I felt seeing my half-brother. When my sister committed suicide two years ago, I talked to a friend that she confided in and found out that my brother had molested her also. My other sister had told me how my half-brother got into bed with her when we baby sat for my niece and nephew.
I confronted my half-brother and told him to his face exactly what he did to me, what he said to me and where it happened. I was very brave and thought that by confronting him I would feel better and it did help somewhat. My half-brother didn't admit to anything but he said he was sorry. Last time I saw him, he tried to provoke me into attacking him. I was with my son and he told my son that I was a liar and that I was not welcome in the family any more. Then he started on me. He started laughing and coming closer to me and getting in my face and he told me that he always makes ajoke that my little brother died of lead poisoning and was laughing. He was so cocky like he was so clever and witty. Ha! Ha! Ha. My little brother committed suicide by shooting himself. I guess the bullets were lead. I fail to see the SOB's humor. I want to jump on and beat the crap out of him. He's old and I could have done it but I didn't. I left and I havent' spoken to him. I get so upset when I receive a Christmas card from him or he calls me. My half-brother is in his 80's and I hope he dies soon. He still takes up space in my head and I hate it. I still feel like punching him when I think about what he said. I want him to pay for what he did to my sister. She never got help and was a tortured soul who took her own life also. I hate him so much. I don't how much his attack on her affected her demise but in her whole life she never had a boyfriend and would never take a shower unless everyone was out of the house. I hate that man so much.
Monarch,
I understand your anger. I have it also. I have the dilemna of responding to my brother's Christmas cards and such. I want to send something really nasty to him but I don't. I don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing how much I hurt. When my brother contacts me I am a basket case for weeks. He's in my head. I don't want him to get into my head. I feel like my brother is still raping me every time he contacts me. I just hope he dies soon. All I can say is that I feel your pain. I know your anger. I would be interested to know how you come to terms with this horrible man.
Gloria
I confronted my half-brother and told him to his face exactly what he did to me, what he said to me and where it happened. I was very brave and thought that by confronting him I would feel better and it did help somewhat. My half-brother didn't admit to anything but he said he was sorry. Last time I saw him, he tried to provoke me into attacking him. I was with my son and he told my son that I was a liar and that I was not welcome in the family any more. Then he started on me. He started laughing and coming closer to me and getting in my face and he told me that he always makes ajoke that my little brother died of lead poisoning and was laughing. He was so cocky like he was so clever and witty. Ha! Ha! Ha. My little brother committed suicide by shooting himself. I guess the bullets were lead. I fail to see the SOB's humor. I want to jump on and beat the crap out of him. He's old and I could have done it but I didn't. I left and I havent' spoken to him. I get so upset when I receive a Christmas card from him or he calls me. My half-brother is in his 80's and I hope he dies soon. He still takes up space in my head and I hate it. I still feel like punching him when I think about what he said. I want him to pay for what he did to my sister. She never got help and was a tortured soul who took her own life also. I hate him so much. I don't how much his attack on her affected her demise but in her whole life she never had a boyfriend and would never take a shower unless everyone was out of the house. I hate that man so much.
Monarch,
I understand your anger. I have it also. I have the dilemna of responding to my brother's Christmas cards and such. I want to send something really nasty to him but I don't. I don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing how much I hurt. When my brother contacts me I am a basket case for weeks. He's in my head. I don't want him to get into my head. I feel like my brother is still raping me every time he contacts me. I just hope he dies soon. All I can say is that I feel your pain. I know your anger. I would be interested to know how you come to terms with this horrible man.
Gloria
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- #9
That is alot to handle for anyone because not only are you mad at him for what he did and is doing to you but also what he did to your sister and making fun of your brother...the guy is just a total ass and yes, a waste of space. I don't let Jeff into my head anymore, not that I haven't' felt un-nerved by the whole thing but I am glad that anger came out instead of hurt, suffering, pain, scared, sadness..those are things that I felt at the time. I have learned how to box those things up and put them away, sometimes in therapy I bring them out but I can always box them right back up and walk away. Hasn't always been that way. I think people that haved abused you will always abuse you, like my dad, he is pleasant to everyone else. I have told my friends that grew up with me what he has done to me and they will say "but he was so nice to me"...yes he was he is just a shithead to me, I am the target of it, plain and simple and always will be, his issue not mine. I think it is harder when it is family though, my Dad is suppose to protect me and love me and he doesn't and sometimes that still really upsets me that I will never know how that feels. I finally, for the first time had to see my dad as my abuser, like i just figured this out at Thanksgiving this year, that was painful but freeing at the same time, letting it sink in has brought a whole host of emotions.
I'm really impressed by your ability to b so clear about this person, and to be able to use his name. I haven't been able to say the name of mine, and when it's come up, as it has to sometimes, it sounds incredibly unfamiliar.
Mine tried really, really hard to make me be his friend. The courts went a long way to aid him in his efforts, too. 'They' kept talking about how important it is for 'families' to be together, and how the best thing for a child is for the parents to be together. This is a man who gave me a broken leg the day before I went into the hospital to have my daughter.It was an early delivery. I was supposed to 'work things out' and be friends for the sake of the child. It was explained to me again and again and again that the court;s first priority was the 'best interest of the child', and threw us together every chance it got. By the time it was clear to these people that he really was an unbelievable danger, he'd been encouraged so much he became a stalker. Even then, he said he just wanted me to be his friend, and if I would just stop making him so mad he wouldn't have to 'do anything' to me.
These sickos are unbelievable. I think you handled it beautifully, and seem as if you will continue to do so. Thank you so much for posting what seems to me to be a positive response to a dreadful trigger.
Take care,
anni
Mine tried really, really hard to make me be his friend. The courts went a long way to aid him in his efforts, too. 'They' kept talking about how important it is for 'families' to be together, and how the best thing for a child is for the parents to be together. This is a man who gave me a broken leg the day before I went into the hospital to have my daughter.It was an early delivery. I was supposed to 'work things out' and be friends for the sake of the child. It was explained to me again and again and again that the court;s first priority was the 'best interest of the child', and threw us together every chance it got. By the time it was clear to these people that he really was an unbelievable danger, he'd been encouraged so much he became a stalker. Even then, he said he just wanted me to be his friend, and if I would just stop making him so mad he wouldn't have to 'do anything' to me.
These sickos are unbelievable. I think you handled it beautifully, and seem as if you will continue to do so. Thank you so much for posting what seems to me to be a positive response to a dreadful trigger.
Take care,
anni
Gloria
Diamond Member
I just have to comment that my half-brother is one of the most charming and handsome men that I have ever known. He comes across as being so sincere that in the past when I see him, sometimes I couldn't believe that he abused me. I think that is exactly how these perverts get away with stuff. They work very hard at projecting such a great image so they can continue get away with stuff. If the victim appears angry or hostile, then the courts and the family assume that they are the ones that are sick instead of the abuser. I am inspired by everyone's bravery by facing their demons. I'm also impressed that you can say his name. I like to call the people that abuse me derogatory nick names as it seems to give them too much dignity by referring to them by their given name. I think that's how I vent.
Gloria
Gloria
That introduces a funny note, at least, Gloria. I have SUCH a list of names, none of them printable. :) It actually does make me feel better to use them. I wish that were the only reason I don't use his actual name, though. It basically just scares the crap out of me, which is why I'm so impressed she can do it so 'easily'. I'm sure it wasn't originally.
If the names were printable, we'd have a great thread, though. :) You're right, it takes away their supposed dignity plus we'd probably laugh an awful lot.
Anni
If the names were printable, we'd have a great thread, though. :) You're right, it takes away their supposed dignity plus we'd probably laugh an awful lot.
Anni
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